Realms of the Soul

♦ 

(We have forgotten who we are and where we come from. We hide from ourselves by living externally, away from ourselves, yet our memory holds all the secrets of the universe. We start to discover the truth when we move inside.)

Part One

(Chapter One to Chapter Six)

'In Hiding'

"Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things."

Cicero

♦

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”  

William Shakespeare

Outside…

  The city chatted about its daily business, so many different voices joined the chorus. To some it was simply noise; to Toni it was a symphony. The loud instruments from the big main roads gracefully gave way to the side streets that wound around and through the city, holding everything together. Their music infiltrated the metropolis, bringing more life, like the Side Streets of Vangelis. As Toni ran the music played in her mind; the alleyways and dirty pathways seemed to be whispering to her. She tore down the narrow tunnels; she was always faster and knew the streets better: a never-ending labyrinth of escape routes and hideaways.

 

Leo’s boys were already giving up; for them it was a game and if the chase became too difficult they lost interest. She turned the corner and ran straight into someone; both fell on the ground; in the confusion the man’s wallet fell from his jacket, Toni wasted no time, she grabbed it and got up. The man gripped her arm and for an instant their eyes met, just for a second, only a second, but it was a moment that would change their lives forever. The girl saw a fleeting look of recognition cross his face, he seemed to be entranced by her. She kicked him hard in the stomach; he relaxed his grip, and she took off again, tearing down side street after side street. She stopped and hid in a doorway, listening for signs that she was being followed. Instinct told her there was no one. She slid down the door to the ground, breathless, almost forgetting why she had been running then she remembered the wallet and looked inside. ‘Usual stuff,’ she thought, flicking through the contents: credit cards, ID, bits of paper, money and a photograph. She took the cash and thought about selling the credit cards then decided against it as she didn’t like dealing with other people.

  Toni was about to throw the wallet away when the photograph caught her eye. It was a picture of the man (a slightly younger version) with a woman, the woman had a lovely face; they were looking at each other smiling. The happy scene stirred some distant emotion, something she hadn’t felt before. Suddenly she felt melancholic: the more she looked at the photograph the stronger the feeling became. She put everything back; somehow she couldn’t bring herself to throw it all away, the photograph haunted her; she couldn’t throw it in the dirt and abandon it. She wasn’t sure what to do and thought about returning the wallet to the owner, without the cash, after all she was hungry.

  Toni looked at the ID card. The man’s name was Matthew Oliver; he was a policeman, looked like the plainclothes type: a bit worn, rough round the edges, (they were the worst ones, full of questions). She heard a familiar rumble from her stomach, put the wallet in her pocket and went to get something to eat.

  A few hours passed and Toni was still wandering the streets, it was getting dark. It was always better to make towards home at this time. She slept in abandoned buildings in run-down, forgotten parts of the city; she didn’t always go to the same place— it was dangerous to have regular habits. Home, to her, were these forgotten places: the streets were her school, the park was her garden, the people her means of survival and her entertainment, the elements her constant companions. At night the city became more hostile, the streets were dangerous; you could never be sure who was lurking in the shadows. Where she slept, or tried to sleep, she could hear all the sounds of the city: the far off scream of a police siren, the general rumble of a city at night, a city that never slept. These sounds would often lull her into a light sleep; then all of a sudden she would hear something unfamiliar— too loud, too close—and immediately sit bolt upright ready to run. Such were her nights: a mix of sleep, anxiety and fear; she could never get used to them though she had been so long on the streets.   

 Inside…

  Matthew couldn’t shake the image of the girl from his head, there was something incredibly familiar about her that haunted him, something faraway from another time and place. He had to find her. The loss of the wallet didn’t bother him too much, everything could be replaced, except for the photograph. He thought about the photo and how happy he had been back then. He had never really recovered from the loss of his family; everything had changed so suddenly: his life destroyed by a drunk driver, the driver had received a few years in prison. Where was the justice? He was a policeman, he represented justice, but sometimes he found it hard to believe in.

  Matthew stared at the whisky on the table across the room, ironically even he had fallen victim to the bottle after the accident; it had been easier to live in a drunken stupor for months than to face the pain of living without his wife and son. He had been so lost in his own suffering, lost in his own world, that he had let someone down, someone who had needed him more than ever. He realised only when it was too late. The whisky he kept as a reminder of his mistakes, as a constant test, a road not to go down again. He opened the window and immediately felt the cool night air on his face; he stood looking out, listening to the rumble of the city. It was a city he loved and hated. Here he could lose himself; there was always so much work. He had few real friends and rarely went out socialising.

He spent what free time he had with his partner, Simon, and kept himself fit by taking early morning runs; he was in good shape for his forty-five years. To his colleagues he seemed quite contented, though rather lonely; they respected him; he was good at his job and always said what he thought; they were always trying to set him up with possible partners but with little success. Matthew’s wife had died seven years ago but he couldn’t forget her; he didn’t want to forget her, he hadn’t made peace with himself and felt responsible for what happened. He had been the one to insist that she go and pick up a pizza, he was responsible for her death in the car accident. His past remained with him in his present and, as far as he could see, would remain with him in his future.

  There was a chill in the air. Matthew closed the window, muffling the rumble of the city.

  Toni wrapped herself in an old blanket; the wind whistled through broken windows and the sounds of the city echoed in the distance. The sad notes of twilight played around her; music and imagination kept her warm. Each part of the day had its melody and this was the time of Vangelis and Twilight.

The next morning…

  The photograph disturbed Toni, it made her realise how empty her life was and how lonely she felt. She wanted to talk to her friend, his name was Billy, they often talked about their hopes and dreams for the future, how one day things would be different. She found him at one of their hangouts and sat down next to him. He looked at her; she looked different, not cheerful and confident, strong and capable, as she had always appeared; she looked weary and sad. He had never seen her this way; it had always been her to pick him up and dust him down; maybe now it was his turn to do the same for her. Toni spoke first.

“Billy I’m tired, I’m tired of all this, of being hungry, of running from Leo and his boys, and the rest, of seeing your bruises........ and it’s arrived, can you feel it? The first chill of winter.”

“You’re joking, summer’s only just ending; we haven’t hit autumn yet.”

“But before we know it we’ll be sitting out here shivering; each year gets worse not better. Everything gets worse.” She could almost understand her friend for putting up with so much from his mother, maybe she would have done the same if it had only been a good thump every now and again, it was the other things she had run from. The solitude of living on the streets was almost unbearable: alone at night in cold buildings, listening to the sound of rats scurrying around in the darkness. She had to sleep in the worst places, for fear of standing out, for fear of history repeating itself.

“You’ll be ok, you know you will.” Billy tried to make her feel better, but she just shook her head; she reached in her back pocket and took out the wallet.

“Look at this photo. I couldn’t throw it away, they look so happy. I want a piece of their happiness.”

“Well maybe they had everything they wanted and life was great, maybe their life was forever summer. You shouldn’t let a dumb photo set you off.”

“It’s not a dumb photo.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean...”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re right it’s only a photo. It’s just that I want to know the answers.”

“The answers to what?”

“To all this.”

There was a long empty silence. Toni replaced the photo in the wallet, took out some of the cash and gave it to her friend. “I guess I’m just tired of being alone.”

“You’re not alone, you’ve got me, we’ve got each other, remember? We’re in it together. If you really can’t face it anymore get found.”

“But I don’t wanna get found. I wanna be an unknown face in a crowd.” They sat without speaking for a few minutes, then Billy got up to go, he turned to Toni.

“We’ll find a way through all this and then one day we’ll look back and everything will just be a memory.” He smiled the smile that Toni loved, the same smile he had given her on her first day in the city, the smile that meant the world to her. She watched him disappear.

  Billy was ten, but here age didn’t count for anything, in this desolate existence there was no innocence. Children were born already old in a place where survival depended on quick thinking, reading situations, knowing what you had to take and what you didn’t. Toni thought about what Billy had said but wasn’t convinced that she could survive yet another cold winter, or that she even wanted to, her life seemed so full of winter. She imagined his smiling face in her head and she knew that she would try, she would try to find ways of surviving where some people couldn’t. If not for herself then for her friend and the smile he had given her four years ago when she had needed it most. In front of her was a busker; she listened to his song and could hear Billy’s voice hidden within the words.

Billy’s message to Toni from the street:

  Toni approached the busker.

“Did you write that song?”

“No, it’s by Mark Joseph, talented guy. I like it. Get Through is the title; sort of gives me a push to keep trying.” He smiled at her and picked up his bowl of change. “Not much here but enough for two hotdogs. What d’you say?”

“Thanks.” Toni liked the busker, his name was Larry. They were soon munching away on their mid-morning snack. Larry finished first.

“Well that’s me done, see ya around, and look after yourself. D’you hear?”

“I’ll try.”

Later…

  Toni sat on some steps just around the corner from Matthew’s apartment; she had come with the intention of returning the wallet but now she was having second thoughts, she didn’t want to bump into him again. She took out the photograph and stared at it, then she looked around. People walked past, wrapped up in the business of the day, all unaware of her dilemma. As she replaced it in the wallet she knew that this time she couldn’t remain indifferent. It was only now that she began to realise the full implications of what she was about to do: she would be creating a link between them; he would be curious and start to ask himself questions. She had a strange feeling that there was an unseen force drawing them together and that there was nothing she could do to stop the inevitable.

  Toni sighed, got up and walked up to Matthew’s apartment block; the main door was open; she walked in, found his mailbox and put the wallet inside. As she stood with her back to the door she sensed the presence of someone behind her and turned round abruptly; she found herself face-to-face with the owner of the wallet. She made for the door but this time he was quicker and blocked the way.

“Listen,” he said, “I only want to talk.” This was exactly what she didn’t want to do. She said nothing, it was better not to be dragged into a conversation, she was suspicious of everyone, besides she knew the ‘I want to be your friend’ approach. “Please,” he insisted, “just tell me your name.” His voice stirred something inside her just as the photograph had; she remained silent. She didn’t want to be a name, she wanted to be anonymous, she wanted to shout at him and tell him to leave her alone, that she wanted to forget and be forgotten. She was angry, angry with him, with everyone, with the world, but she said nothing; after all, she had taken the wallet; she had chosen to return it; he had been her victim. Toni’s emotions were getting complicated, she didn’t understand the turmoil inside her head and she felt trapped; she had to get away from him.

  A van drew up outside with a delivery, two men came through the door carrying a big box and Matthew had to move aside to let them in. Seeing her opportunity Toni dived underneath the box and ran out of the door. She could hear some confusion behind her but didn’t look back, she darted in and out of traffic, ran through a crowd of people and turned down one of those familiar side streets that she knew so well. There was a wall at the end, just low enough to scramble over so she dropped down the other side and hid in a dark corner behind some bins. Toni could hear steps the other side of the wall. A phone rang and she heard Matthew curse under his breath, after a brief conversation the sound of his steps slowly faded into the distance.

  Matthew was forced to give up the chase due to an urgent call from his partner. He had seen Toni from the newspaper stand across the street and was curious to see what she was up to; he was surprised when he saw her return the wallet. ‘My God, who was she?’ he asked himself. There was something so familiar about her: her wild curly hair, her troubled, blue eyes, but he had let her get away again; she was like a frightened animal, always running. He couldn’t get her out of his head; there was a small voice echoing deep in his mind that he hardly dared to listen to, a voice that whispered, “It’s her, it’s Nicki.” He knew he would meet her again, it was only a matter of time.

 Toni stayed hidden for a little while longer then headed towards what she considered her part of the city; now there was no going back, she knew the cop would be looking for her. Summer was coming to an end, Toni could feel the air changing. Earlier Billy had made her feel more optimistic but now her doubts were returning. Winter on the streets was brutal: there was no mercy for those who found themselves with no home and no food; there were places to go but people asked too many questions. She preferred to get through on her own, then she didn’t owe anything to anyone. Toni had found herself on the streets at ten years old, for her it had been liberation rather than misfortune as she finally found freedom from a living hell with a man she feared and hated. Before the age of seven she didn’t remember anything but was convinced it was for the better— judging by what she could remember.

The streets represented a release from the past, a refuge from all that she had suffered with a man who called himself her father; she couldn’t understand how a father could treat his own child how he had treated her. Toni would spend hours in the park watching fathers playing with their children, families relaxing, playing together, laughing, how she had wished to be part of one of those families. Her father had always told her that she was a bad person and didn’t deserve to be happy, he had said it so often that in the end she had believed him. She had been desperate for love, for some show of affection and had done things that she had felt ashamed of, without knowing why. She would never forget the laughter of her father’s squalid friends; every time they moved he would find a new set of no-hopers.

She had felt wretched and lonely, dreading Friday and Saturday nights: her father’s friends would come round, already drunk; they would tease her and make comments she didn’t understand, then go out and get even more drunk. Every so often when her father came back he would bring someone with him. “Be nice to him; you know what you’ll get if you refuse,” then he would push her into his room. She knew all too well what she would get if she didn’t do as she was told and the result would be the same, the ‘gentleman’ waiting in the bedroom. “These men give us money so we can buy food and pay the rent; they’re lonely, in search of love and affection,” he had told her once. “You should help them; there’s nothing wrong in helping other people.”

None of what her father said convinced her fully, something felt wrong but she had let herself believe him. When she was ten, she read a leaflet about child abuse, there was a phone number. She phoned the number and asked a woman if it was all right if her father’s friends were affectionate towards her; the woman had asked her a lot of questions and almost begged for her name and address. It was then that she understood the truth: how she had been lied to, how she had been used, she felt sick with shame. A voice in her head had told her to run and hide, she needed a place with dark corners, abandoned buildings and confusion, far, far away. So she ran until she thought she was safe, bus after bus, city after city, until she felt she had run far enough.

  Matthew Oliver and Toni were two people living lonely lives; both had a past which plagued their present; both carried with them a misplaced sense of guilt, one was the remedy of the other— it was inevitable that they should meet.

  After her narrow escape, Toni decided to lie low for a few days; she had a feeling that the cop would be looking for her; she was tired of coping on her own but she trusted no one. She had one desire and only one, not for a nice house and comfortable life, her only desire was to trust someone enough to cry in their arms. She was much older than her fourteen years, she had been shown the world too soon and felt as if she had already lived a lifetime; she felt old, she felt tired, tired of running, tired of being afraid.

  It had been about a week since the latest encounter with Matthew, it had rained non-stop and Toni didn’t feel very well. She spent most of the morning sitting on some steps watching the world go by; her head was thumping and she felt weak. She glanced from one person to another and tried to imagine their history, what sort of life they led. Her glance fell upon a familiar face, Matthew’s face; instinct told her to run but she just couldn’t find the energy. He came and sat beside her, neither said a word. Finally, Matthew broke the silence.

“How about breakfast?” She turned to look at him; he had a kind face, his eyes sparkled. “Let’s at least go and get a drink,” he suggested.

“Ok,” was all she said, she wanted to get warm and she was hungry. They found a café, Toni immediately headed for a corner table, wanting to be as inconspicuous as possible. Matthew called over the waitress and ordered two hot chocolates and a couple of doughnuts; he felt sorry for Toni, she was pale and thin.

“I don’t want your pity,” she said, reading his mind. Breakfast soon arrived; she drank the drink, picked up both doughnuts and got up to go.

“Where are you going?”

“What’s it to you?” she replied quickly; he was looking at her strangely and making her nervous. She turned round to walk out. Matthew panicked, he couldn’t let her go again, this time he had to do something. He stood up without a word and put her in handcuffs as the doughnuts fell to the floor. It was the first thing that had come into his head; he knew that given half the chance the girl would run; he had to know who she was and the only way to keep her in one place was to arrest her. Toni could hardly believe what was happening.

“What are you doing?” she demanded.

“I thought that was obvious.”

“But you can’t arrest me for nothing?”

“Oh but I’m not, I’m arresting you for stealing and for assaulting a police officer.”

“But I didn’t know you were a cop.”

“Does it make a difference?”

“But I gave the wallet back. I didn’t even touch the cards; I could’ve sold them.”

“What happened to the money?”

Toni had no desire to argue with him and no energy to put up a fight, her headache was worse and she felt cold; they were also drawing a lot of attention. She let herself be accompanied to the car and got in without further protest. Matthew was surprised she hadn’t put up more of a fight, he had expected at least one round of biting and kicking. She stared into space. “Aren’t you supposed to read me my rights? And don’t think I’m gonna answer any questions.”

“What’s your name?”

“I said I wasn’t gonna …”

“Answer any questions. I heard you the first time. What’s your name?”

Toni wasn’t in the mood for games, she said the first name that came into her head.

“Sarah, my name’s Sarah.”

“You don’t look like a Sarah to me. Let me look at you…mmm…no, you’re definitely not a Sarah, try again.” She knew he was teasing her but he was right she didn’t feel much like a Sarah. “I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me where you live either, are you?” She didn’t reply, normally she would be ready with quick answers but today wasn’t her day. It was better not to say anything. They arrived at the station, Matthew sat her down at a desk and produced a form.

“Listen, you have to start talking to me.”

“What’s that form for?” she asked, giving Matthew a dark look.

“Information for the Social Services.”

“I don’t want Social Services involved; I don’t need them poking into my affairs. I can look after myself.”

“The Social Services will come anyway if I call them, with or without your name.”

“Sarah, Mary or Jessica, what difference does it make?” She could see that he was starting to get angry.

“Look I’ve got better things to do than sit here discussing what might or might not be your name. Tell me your name.”

“Well if you’ve got better things to do, go and do them and leave me in peace. I didn’t ask you to bring me here, it was your choice. I’m quite happy to go.”

“You’re not going anywhere, tell me your name.” Matthew was losing his patience, she looked at him and suddenly felt sorry for being so difficult. The phone rang, it was something important and he had to go.

“My name’s Toni.”

“And your surname?”

“I don’t have a surname.”

“Everyone has a surname.”

“Listen,” she said, fed up with the questions, “I’ve had so many surnames that I don’t know which is my real one, and if I did I wouldn’t tell you anyway. My mother’s dead, I don’t know where my father is, I don’t live anywhere and I can look after myself. That’s all there is to know.”

They looked at each other. Matthew had every reason not to believe her but something told him that she was telling the truth. Now he had a problem: he didn’t know what to do with her. Just as he was starting to get somewhere he had to disappear for a few hours and he certainly didn’t trust her to stay put. Toni, however, didn’t intend going anywhere; her head hurt and her legs felt weak. Matthew decided to put her downstairs in a cell while he decided what he was going to do. As he led her there he was puzzled by the lack of protest.

  Toni wasn’t sorry to be locked up; there was even a bed, something she wasn’t used to; it was true she couldn’t get out, but at least no one could get in. She lay down, shivering, her head felt as if it would explode any minute. She fell into a restless sleep, images kept flashing through her mind, faces, a million different faces, the same dreams that always haunted her.

  After a few hours she woke up, not feeling at all well but she didn’t want to be ill, not there, not then. She heard footsteps, it was Matthew. He hadn’t wanted to lock her up but there were always interruptions, whatever he was doing, always interruptions, he unlocked the cell, Toni sat up, her head spinning.

“Come on,” he said, “I haven’t finished with you yet.” He took her arm firmly but gently, she tried to stand up but her legs gave way and she collapsed.

“Shit,” she said under her breath. She didn’t want to appear weak in front of him but her thoughts were confused and her body didn’t want to go anywhere. Matthew picked her up and put her back on the bed, covering her with a blanket.

“You’re burning up,” he said, feeling her forehead. Then he turned to the officer present and told him to go and find a doctor.

“I’m ok,” she said, “I don’t need a doctor.” Matthew resisted the temptation to interrogate her further, worried about her state of health. Toni tried to sit up but the attempt failed; she gave in to the illness, lay back on the bed and closed her eyes.

  After about twenty minutes a doctor arrived. He gave Matthew a ‘What’s a child doing locked in a cell?’ look and examined Toni. He gave her something to lower her temperature and make her more comfortable, reassuring Matthew that it was only flu, then he left. Matthew wasn’t sure what to do with her; he had no intention of calling the social services and he couldn’t leave her ill, alone and locked in a cell. He decided to take her home, he felt that she was his responsibility. Luckily there weren’t too many people around, he wasn’t sure how he would explain himself if anyone asked him what he was doing. From what he could guess she didn’t have a home to go to; she was completely alone in the world; there was no one to worry about her and no one to care for her when she was ill. His heart hurt for her. He went to pick her up.

“Come on, we’re ……..”

“We’re what?” Toni interrupted. “Where are we going now? Leave me in peace.”

“You can’t stay here, you’re ill. , you’re coming home with me.”

“No, I’m staying here.” She was afraid; she didn’t want to go to anyone’s home.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to argue with me.” Matthew laughed, lifting her off the bed. He was right, she felt terrible, she didn’t resist and resigned herself to her fate.

"Nothing weighs on us so heavy as a secret."

Jean de la Fontaine 

  Toni woke up after a long but restless sleep; it took a while for her to get her thoughts together. She sat up and looked around the apartment. It felt strange to be there, to be inside somebody’s home, the city, her home, remained outside. It was already dark, she was surprised she had slept for so long; it was too quiet and she felt uneasy.

“So you’re awake then, how are you feeling?” Matthew went to feel her forehead but she pushed his hand away.

“Where’s the bathroom?” she asked.

“Just down the corridor to the right.”

She tried to stand up but her head was spinning and she had to sit down.

“Do you want some help?”

“No, I got up too quickly that’s all.”

She tried again, slowly, and much to her relief made it there and back without making a fool of herself.

“I made you a hot drink and something to eat.” Matthew put a cup of hot chocolate and a sandwich down on the table in front of her. Toni was hesitant, she didn’t understand why he had brought her here— in her experience nobody did anything for nothing. She wondered what he wanted from her. She took the drink, how good it tasted, and nibbled the sandwich; she wasn’t really hungry but she never refused food. She thought of where she would have been without the cop’s help; she imagined being in her abandoned building, no comfortable sofa and no hot drink. It was dangerous being warm and comfortable because she knew it couldn’t last and it only made it more difficult to return to the street, to her life, the only life she could have for now.

  Matthew had watched Toni while she slept. He felt incredibly sorry for her but it was more than just pity or sympathy, the fact that she was so completely alone and so young left him with a feeling that somehow he had failed her, that society had failed her. He guessed that she couldn’t have been much older than thirteen or fourteen (maybe even less), yet when you looked into her eyes they showed a lifetime of experience, knowledge beyond her years. She was proud and used to surviving alone, not trusting anyone. In appearance she reminded him of someone he had lost many years ago, someone he had let down, who he desperately missed. Time had passed but had not healed. As he looked at her he felt he would have done anything to make her happy. There was more to this girl than he could make out and he wondered for the hundredth time if the girl could possibly be his Nicki; he could hardly bear to hope. It had been seven years ago, now she would be about fourteen. He dismissed the thought as impossible and once again tried to silence the little voice in his mind. It was at this point that Toni had woken up; she was so suspicious of him and accepted anything from him with reluctance, he could see that she felt uncomfortable. He so wanted to break through her defences and get to the person underneath. However, Toni had different ideas, trust had to be earned and although she needed a friend, experience taught her caution.

“Do you feel better?” Matthew asked her after she had finished the drink.

“Yes a little,” she replied, feeling less hostile towards him. Matthew didn’t really want to press her with questions but his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why did you return my wallet?”

The question didn’t really surprise her, she knew he would ask sooner or later. There was a brief silence, he didn’t expect her to answer but she did and what she said surprised him.

“It was the photo, it was too beautiful to be lost. You both looked so happy. I returned the photo so that you wouldn’t lose or forget that moment.”

Matthew was taken aback by her sincerity. Toni was lost in her thoughts, in what the photograph had stirred in her. Suddenly the phone rang and brought her back to reality, she immediately regretted saying so much and felt embarrassed. It was a wrong number.

  Matthew had so many questions but was afraid to push her too far, he didn’t want her to do one of her disappearing acts and he wondered how he was going to keep her there once she felt better. He knew that if she wanted to she would just up and go. It was getting late. He looked at her clothes: they were old and dirty; he went and found one of his T-shirts.

“You’d better give me your clothes to wash; put this on.” He passed her the T-shirt. “I’ve made up a bed for you in here.” He showed Toni where she would be sleeping. She went in and closed the door; it seemed odd to her that she actually had a bed. She thought about Matthew and how he had done all this for her. He seemed genuine, she didn’t like to admit it but she liked him; she felt safe with him. She glanced down at her clothes; he was right they did need a wash, but if she took them off she certainly wouldn’t be going anywhere; she would attract too much attention running down the street dressed in a big T-shirt. Maybe it was better at this point to just accept his hospitality, at least for a few days while she got her strength back, but could she trust him? In the end, what could he do to her that hadn’t been done already, except kill her, but he didn’t have murder in his eyes. Maybe it was worth the risk just to live in comfort for a few days. She changed her clothes, placing them on the back of a chair; she was exhausted, physically and mentally, and thought she would just lie down for a few minutes. The silence made her feel nervous; she was used to the rumble of the city, constant noise, but nothing could keep her awake and she let herself fall into a deep sleep.

  Matthew knocked gently on the door of the bedroom, there was no answer; he opened the door and saw Toni asleep on the bed dressed in his T-shirt. He walked over to the bed and covered her up. Turning round he saw her clothes which had fallen on the floor, he picked them up wondering if they would survive a wash. He let his mind wander back in time: how often had he picked up clothes and toys left sprawled all over the floor in the rush to do something else. How long ago it was, yet it seemed like only yesterday. He too was tired, tired of being alone, tired of the same feelings of guilt, but they haunted him just the same. He looked at her and wondered what her secret was. Why was she so afraid?

  Toni slept on and off all night; each time she woke up she had to remind herself where she was. She was still running a temperature and nothing felt real. She almost expected to wake up in the morning and find herself curled up in a corner of one of her dark and abandoned buildings. When morning came it took a while to get her head together. She looked around and slowly remembered where she was and what had happened, that it all hadn’t been some strange dream. There was still that same question burning in her head, ‘What did the cop want from her?’ Was it just curiosity or did he want something else? She was potentially a minefield of information: she knew what was happening on the streets; she knew who was dealing what and where. Toni decided to confront him, went into the lounge and found him sitting reading a newspaper.

“Why are you helping me? What do you want?”

“Oh and good morning to you too. Did you sleep well?”

“Quit the sarcasm. Give me a straight answer,” she demanded.

“Listen, there is no straight, simple answer, but you can trust me, I don’t bite you know. I don’t want anything from you. Do we really have to have a heavy discussion first thing in the morning?” He hadn’t slept well and the last thing he felt like was a head-to-head.

“You don’t know how many times I’ve heard the word trust, people don’t know what it means. I want to know the deal here I ……….”

“Why not take each day as it comes for now. Surely it’s better here than on the streets?” He knew he had to get her to give her word, it was the only way to be sure she wouldn’t run off. “If you really want to go you’re free to do so but I want your word that you won’t just disappear without saying anything.”

“What about Social Services? I don’t want them in my life.”

“No Social Services,” Matthew promised.

“But you still haven’t given me any answers,” she insisted. “Why do you want to help me?”

Matthew had an idea why but it wasn’t something he could easily explain.

“Haven’t you ever helped anyone?” he asked her.

Toni thought about Billy, she had tried to help him and still did.

“Ok,” she said, “I give you my word, if you think you can trust it. I won’t just disappear, but no Social Services or I’m out.”

“It’s a deal,” he concluded, breathing a sigh of relief. “Now, how about breakfast?” Toni still felt a little weak, as well as anxious and unsettled. She wasn’t particularly hungry but picked up a piece of toast, and sat down.

“Where are my clothes? I want to get dressed.”

“Still in the washing machine.”

“Well I can’t sit around in this all day,” she said, tugging at what she was wearing. She felt at a disadvantage without her clothes; she had the idea that he was withholding them on purpose so she couldn’t make a quick exit if it became necessary.

“Well, I could go and buy some new ones. What size are you?” As soon as he spoke, he realised what a stupid question it was, but he kept forgetting who he was dealing with.

“I don’t know, it’s a long time since I went shopping,” Toni replied sarcastically. “Listen Mr. Fix It, I don’t want any new clothes, just give me my old ones back.”

“I told you, they’re still in the washing machine.”

  Toni was tired and her head was hurting again. She felt out of place and wanted to be left alone. She got up without speaking, went back into the bedroom and closed the door. Matthew sat down to drink a coffee and thought about Toni; he couldn’t even begin to imagine what her life had been like. Things he took for granted, things that most took for granted, for her were something special, out of the ordinary.

  There was a knock at the door. Matthew had taken some time off work with no explanation and Simon had come round to see what was going on—his partner usually had to be forced to take holiday.

“What’s the deal with you and the kid?” Simon asked. “You’re the one who’s always telling me not to get so involved all the time.”

“It’s a long story.” Matthew didn’t really want to go into details.

“I’m all ears.” Simon wasn’t going to be put off.

“She reminds me of Abigail.” Matthew was a little embarrassed, he knew it sounded ridiculous.

“You mean your wife? But she died seven years ago. You can’t take in every kid that reminds you of someone you miss.”

“You wouldn’t understand and keep your voice down, she’s in the bedroom. Anyway it’s my business.”

“We’re partners, remember, so that makes it my business too. So what are you going to do? Call the authorities?”

“No, no Social Services, I promised her.”

“You’re making promises to a teenage street kid! God she’s good. She’s already got you well and truly conned,” Simon grinned at Matthew.

“You know you don’t mean that; you’re usually the big softie when it comes to cases like this.”

“I just think you’re asking for trouble; you should leave well alone.”

“Can we change the subject? Did you want something or did you just come round to give me a hard time?”

“Just wondered what you were up to.”

“Seeing as you’re here do you think you could do me a favour? Could you just nip out and buy some clothes: jeans, sweatshirts, a jacket, err……some underwear I suppose, thirteen/fourteen-year-old sort of size? Well maybe a bit smaller; she’s a bit on the thin side.”

“Did I hear you correctly? You mean you want me to go and buy clothes for your little con-artist, I hope you know what you’re getting into.”

Matthew didn’t know at all what he was getting into but he just knew it felt right.

“Are you going or not? If not you can stay here and I’ll go.”

“Given the choice between shopping and babysitting, I’ll go shopping. You can reimburse me later, I’m not subsidising your new charity. See ya later.”

Matthew smiled, he was very fond of his partner, Simon was always light-hearted and optimistic.

  Toni had fallen asleep again and hadn’t heard any of the conversation. It had been a more restful sleep and she woke up feeling better. She got out of bed and started looking in cupboards and drawers. She found several photos of the same woman she had already seen, then she heard footsteps; she quickly threw everything in a drawer and lay down on the bed. Matthew knocked on the door and when there was no reply went in anyway.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Ok.”

“Why don’t you come and have some lunch?” Toni didn’t answer. Despite the conversation earlier she still felt confused. Now she was starving but didn’t want to say so.

“I’ll go and prepare something, if you’re hungry it’ll be ready in ten minutes.”

  Toni went to the bathroom though she didn’t think much of washing. At the beginning, with her father, there had been a nice bathroom but slowly life deteriorated until there was only one sink in the corner of the room. She remembered how everyday he had made her wash from top to bottom in front of the sink, the water was always freezing and if it was cold outside he would open the window to make it worse. He would tell her that she was dirty, that the dirt was ingrained on her soul and that she had to scrub hard. Toni looked at the sink and decided not to wash. She went into the lounge, sat down and started tucking into the sandwich on the table. Within minutes all that remained were a few crumbs on the plate. Mathew came in as she finished eating.

“Do you want to watch television?” He passed Toni the remote control, it wasn’t something she was used to but she thought it was a good idea— it was something to stare at and a way to avoid conversation.

  After about an hour of flicking channels and trying to make sense of the people and the programmes she turned it off. She was getting fidgety and needed something to do. It seemed unnatural to her to be shut inside; it was so quiet, she could hear herself thinking and she didn’t want to think. Outside there was too much going on, only time for the immediacies of life, not for reflection. Here there was too much time for thinking and talking.

  Toni got up and opened a window, not to let in some air but to let in some sound.

“Are you hot?” asked Matthew.

“No, it’s too quiet in here.”

“Well put the TV back on, or what about some music,” he suggested.

“It’s not the right sort of sound, I want the window open.” Then it dawned on Matthew what she meant; she wanted her sound, street sound. He thought how strange all this must be to her; she must have been on the street a long time to feel more at home outside than inside.

“How long have you been living rough?” he asked, wondering if he would get a reply, but she was distracted, looking through the window at something happening below. She answered without thinking. “Don’t know, maybe four years, not sure, time just passes, I don’t think about it.” This wasn’t strictly true, she did think about it, she tried to keep track of time as she knew that once she was eighteen she wouldn’t have to be a nobody anymore; she could start to live instead of hiding round corners and living in shadows. Her father wouldn’t have any authority over her once she was eighteen. Only she wasn’t really sure how old she was; she didn’t remember ever celebrating her birthday so she could only throw a rough guess.

“What’s your father’s name?” Toni looked at Matthew suspiciously.

“You cops always want names. Why does my father interest you?”

“He might be looking for you.”

Toni started to get nervous, Matthew could see that she wasn’t happy with the way the conversation was going.

“I don’t remember agreeing to answer any questions, that wasn’t the deal. If you start poking around in my business I’m out of here.”

“Did you run away from somewhere or somebody?” Matthew had found the truth without looking very far. Toni didn’t know what to say, he had backed her into a corner.

“I’m not going to answer any of your damn questions.”

“Why did you run away?” Toni felt her emotions tumbling around inside, he was pushing her too far. She became agitated at the mere thought of her father, the image of his face in her head would set off a chain of memories and she would feel only desperation and hopelessness. A voice in her head told her it was time to leave.

“I need my clothes, where are they?” Without waiting for a reply she went to look for them. They were still damp, she didn’t care, it wasn’t the first time she had worn damp clothes and she was sure it wouldn’t be the last. She threw off the T-shirt and got dressed, then went back into the lounge. Matthew realised he had gone too far; she was more sensitive about her past than he imagined and now he had blown it.

“Don’t go.” She ignored him and walked towards the door, he grabbed her arm.

“Give me another chance.”

She looked into his eyes, and saw something familiar, something she couldn’t explain, his grip on her arm loosened. “All right, I’ll stay, but no more questions.”

“Ok, no more questions. Now get into something dry.”

“No.” Toni felt better in her own clothes even if they were damp. Matthew said nothing, thinking that she would soon change when she felt uncomfortable, but she was used to discomfort and damp clothes didn’t bother her.

  Matthew got on with some paperwork while Toni sat and stared at the TV, not really understanding the purpose behind the inane programmes, but it served its purpose for a bit of escapism. It was turning out to be a long day.

  Later on Simon came by with the clothes. Matthew was convinced that there would be another little scene if he made any attempt to get her to change now, so he decided to let it go. Simon had other ideas though, seeing as he had gone to the trouble of getting them.

“Come on kid, you can get out of those rags now, here,” he threw a bag over to her. She just looked at him. They didn’t understand how she felt; she didn’t want charity and she didn’t want things to change, up to now she had been just fine on her own. Everything was happening too quickly; her clothes were all she had left.

  Toni was wrong about Simon; he had gone through a difficult childhood and understood more than she gave him credit for.

“I don’t think we’ve been introduced. My name’s Simon. I’m Matthew’s partner.” He stood up and held out his hand. Toni was in two minds, she wanted to remain aloof and detached, but she liked him; his face was friendly and his eyes clear and honest, he was the sort of person you liked immediately. Despite what she was thinking, she said nothing. “Lighten up kid, we’re all friends here. What about some dinner, Matt? I’m starving. I’ll go and knock up something. What’ve you got in the fridge?” Without waiting for an answer he disappeared and started rummaging around in the kitchen.

  Toni stood up and went into the bedroom, there was a mirror in the corner, she stood in front of it and looked at herself. She was a mess, her hair was a mass of knots; she looked at her hands, her nails were dirty, what there was of them. Her jeans were too short and her sweatshirt worn thin and falling apart. The people on TV didn’t look like she did. She went back into the lounge, picked up the bag of clothes and went into the bathroom. She ran a bath and got in, she couldn’t believe how good it felt sliding into the hot water; she soaked for a while and felt more relaxed. She washed her hair for the first time since……well since she could remember. After the bath she got dressed in her new clothes, finding a bin under the she stuffed her old ones in it. The bath caught her eye, it was filthy, she washed it and left everything as she had found it; her father had always been so fussy about dirt and things left out of place. She went back into the bedroom and looked in the mirror again. It was an improvement, but not even a wash and new clothes could hide what she thought was so obvious. Toni had a hard exterior but inside she was scared, lonely and vulnerable. She went into the kitchen, something smelt good. She was expecting some funny comment from Simon about the new clothes or that she had washed, but he didn’t say anything, he only asked her to set the table and walked out. Without really thinking what she was doing she started preparing the table; she found a tablecloth, folded the napkins and placed everything perfectly.

  Matthew and Simon were actually used to TV dinners, not that Toni had a habit for the finer things in life, but her only experience of how people lived was when she was with her father; it was a few years ago but she remembered every detail. He had always made such a big thing about dinner, the table always had to be just right. If she had forgotten something or put something in the wrong place there would be consequences. Sometimes it would be a glass too far to the right or left; sometimes it would be nothing in particular, everything depended on his mood. Simon came back in.

“Table looks great,” he said, trying to sound natural, when in fact he was a little taken aback. Toni sensed his surprise. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all.” At that moment Matthew walked in, Simon shot him a look but it was too late he had already opened his mouth.

“What’s the occasion? Is it someone’s birthday?”

“Don’t you normally eat like this?”

“Well no, not really,” Matthew answered.

“I thought everyone ……………..,” she didn’t finish the sentence. Simon tried to smooth things over.

“Hey, it’s great, really. Make a change to eat properly, won’t it Matt?”

Toni felt she had somehow done something wrong. Living with her father was all she knew about how things were done. She had been relatively protected from outside influences; they were always on the move so she hadn’t attended school regularly and had given up trying to make friends. In the beginning life was bearable but slowly things got worse as he spent everything and earned nothing. Some habits he had kept up: his obsession with the dinner table, amongst others. The tablecloth had holes, the cutlery was old, the glasses were chipped and the plates cracked.

  They sat down at the table. Toni was hungry and as soon as her dinner was in front of her she attacked it, forgetting for a moment where she was.

“No one’s going to take it away,” Matthew assured her, then regretted saying anything as Simon shot him another ‘keep your mouth shut’ look. Toni had the habit of eating quickly in fear of losing the little food that she had. Once again, she began to feel awkward; she felt she was making a mess of things and pushed her dinner away. She didn’t know how to behave around other people as she didn’t know what to do or say.

“It doesn’t matter, finish eating,” Simon said, sensing her difficulty.

“I’ve finished, I’m not hungry.” She looked from one to the other, wondering what they thought of her; she didn’t want to care but she did; she was angry with herself for how she felt. She knew she wasn’t like normal kids. The times that she had gone to school her classmates had always ridiculed her; she hadn’t known any of the lessons and had felt so ignorant. After running away from her father she had kept herself to herself; the only person she had got close to was Billy.

  Toni saw that Matthew and Simon had finished; she got up and automatically started clearing the table then set about doing the dishes. Matthew was about to say something but caught the expression on his partner’s face and decided against it. He didn’t know what to think; he had thought of her as a sort of street savage but he had noticed how tidy she had left the bathroom how she had set the table so methodically then started clearing up without a word, putting everything in its place.

  When Toni had finished she opened the fridge, took a can of beer and went into the lounge. Matthew, although he never drank, always kept a few beers at home for his partner. The two friends were lost for words.

“You know she’s only thirteen or fourteen, and she’s got flu; she really shouldn’t be drinking,” Simon commented.

“Well you go and tell her.” Matthew didn’t intend entering into another discussion with Toni.

“You took her in, she’s your responsibility, partner. I’m off home.” Simon said his goodbyes and left.

  With Simon present the atmosphere had been lighter. Matthew looked at Toni; her dark curls fell over her face, the resemblance to his wife was remarkable. She felt his eyes upon her and started to feel nervous.

“Don’t stare at me,” she said, taking a swig of beer.

“I’m sorry, you remind me of someone, that’s all.” Matthew felt her eyes piercing his, looking for answers, but he couldn’t give her any.

“Talk to me Toni, tell me your story.”

“I haven’t got a story.”

“Everyone’s got a story,” he insisted.

“Not me, there’s nothing to tell.” Matthew was right though, Toni did have a story, more than most and was constantly afraid because of it, afraid of saying too much, of giving away too much of herself. Her past had to remain a secret, locked away in her memory.

“The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed.”

                                Sebastien Chamfort.           

  Toni was having a restless night. She often had nightmares and would wake up to find herself calling out, crying or shaking, sometimes all three; she seemed to have permanent dark rings under her eyes from what seemed a lifetime of sleepless nights. She couldn’t get used to sleeping in a bed, tired and desperate to sleep she tried the floor. Matthew heard her calling out in her sleep and went to her; seeing her on the floor he assumed she had fallen out of bed, he bent down to pick her up. Toni was a light sleeper and on feeling someone’s hands on her immediately started hitting out, throwing punches and kicking. Her fist caught Matthew’s face. He dropped her on the bed, taking a few hasty steps back.

“Get your fucking hands off me,” she said, spitting the words at him.

“You’d fallen out of bed I was trying to put you back in,” he explained, nursing his eye. “That was some thump you gave me.”

“I was on the floor out of choice. Next time mind ya own fucking business.”

“Good advice,” he said, then went to get something to put on his eye.

  Afterwards it was difficult to get back to sleep for both of them. At six o’clock Toni gave up trying and got up. Her hand felt sore, then she remembered walloping Matthew in the eye and imagined that she wouldn’t be very popular with him that morning. She got dressed and went to get a drink. He was already up sitting in the lounge drinking a coffee; he looked up. She had certainly done a good job on his eye. Her mind drifted back to the scene earlier that morning, she let her sense of humour get the better of her and smiled.

“So you think it’s funny, huh?”

“I’m sorry……I…..,” but before she could finish he picked up a cushion and threw it at her.

“Well it was worth getting a black eye just to see you smile,” he said, thinking that maybe the ice had started to crack.

  Toni went into the kitchen to get a drink. She thought of all the things she had done to him: stolen his wallet, kicked him, thumped him and given him a black eye. She reckoned he either genuinely wanted to help her, or what he wanted from her was so important that he would put up with anything.

  Matthew hadn’t slept after sorting out his eye; he had sat looking at old photos. When his wife and son died he had thrown most of the pictures in an old box; some of the photos he had destroyed in a drunken rage and he cursed himself for being so stupid. One photograph of Nicki, that was all he needed to be sure; he knew there was one somewhere. There it was, right at the bottom. He picked it up, now he was certain it was her—it was Toni or rather Nicki, eight years ago. There was no mistaking those dark curls, the way they flopped in her face; those deep blue eyes— her mother’s eyes that he had found so unbearable to look at after his wife’s death. Looking at the photographs, he had felt a sudden urge to go to Toni and confess everything but the thought of another black eye deterred him, besides she didn’t seem to recognise him and it wasn’t so simple; he wasn’t her natural father. He remembered how difficult it had been to accept someone else’s child. They had been close but their relationship had at times been stormy. It was only when it was too late that Matthew realised how much she really meant to him. He had spent the rest of the night staring at the photograph of his Nicki, wondering if there could be any doubt, going over and over in his mind what had happened.

  Nicki had reminded Matthew of his wife’s previous partner and he felt slightly jealous. Slowly though, he had grown to love her, accepting her for who she was, seeing in her something special, something extraordinary. Then, after the accident, every time he looked at her he had seen his wife and was driven to despair. He hadn’t cared about anything and blamed Nicki for what had happened, using her as a cover for his own guilt he blamed her for everything that went wrong. He remembered how he was drunk most of the time, he just hadn’t been there for her. She was seven years old; how could any of it have been her fault? He had never forgiven himself; she had been suffering as much as him but he had lost himself in a bottle and done nothing to comfort her. He had seen the pain in her eyes and done nothing. All this was seven years ago. God knows what she had been through since then because of him. When she disappeared, he had looked for her everywhere. He was drunk, they had argued and she ran off. He spent all night looking for her in the rain, then all day. He didn’t sleep for nights and nights; he looked for her until he collapsed from exhaustion. She had just disappeared into nothing, neither he nor his colleagues had been able to find a trace of her. His world was empty. He hadn’t touched alcohol since then, but it was too late, the damage was done, he had already lost everything. Nicki was constantly in his thoughts; he used to go to the park everyday hoping to see her playing with the other kids. After months and months of looking, hoping, imagining, he slowly started to take up his life again. He was offered a transfer but didn’t want to move, he wanted to be there when she came home…but she didn’t come home. After three years he accepted a transfer, then after another two years of wondering, looking, and regretting in another place, he transferred to the city to lose himself.

  When Matthew had literally bumped into Toni a few days ago he was mesmerised by her, almost paralysed. The likeness to his wife had struck him immediately; he had felt a strange sensation but hadn’t seriously thought that the girl could have been Nicki. Now he was convinced it was her. She was here with him after all this time, only there was a twist, there was always a twist— she didn’t seem to know who he was. Every so often he saw a flicker of something in her eyes but nothing more; he didn’t think she remembered him, and who was this man she called her father? The questions were many and the answers were few.

  Toni came back from the kitchen holding a glass of orange juice, she noticed how Matthew was looking at her.

“I need to get out,” she told him. “I need some air, I’m not used to being closed inside. Don’t you have to go to work or something?”

“Why? Do you want to get rid of me?”

“No I just wondered. I don’t want to keep you from your duties.” Matthew thought he might be pushing his luck a bit as he was thinking of suggesting going to his beach house for a couple of weeks. He wanted to get closer to her, to gain her trust but here in the city full of noise, of people, of problems it was all too oppressive. They needed space. He wasn’t sure how she would react to the suggestion that they spend time alone together out of her home territory.

“What do you say to a few days by the sea? I have a beach house a few hours up the coast. We could profit from the last days of summer.” Toni thought about it.

“Why not?” she said. The idea appealed to her. It was a good time to lie low for a while, one of the gangs was always harassing her and she was weary of constantly having to look over her shoulder. She was tired of the constant battle of life on the streets.

“We can go tomorrow, if ya like,” Matthew said, rather surprised that she had agreed so readily.

“Ok, we’ll go tomorrow but I really have to get out now, if I stay cooped up inside for one more minute I’ll explode.”

“It’s a bit early to go wandering the streets and you still haven’t fully recovered.”

“I feel like going out so I’m going out, besides what’s being early got to do with anything?”

“All right, if you insist. Let’s go out and get breakfast.”

  The night had changed into morning and the city was opening up to the day people. As Toni walked outside the fresh air caressed her face. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply; the smell of the streets was so familiar and she felt lighter after the intensity of being in an apartment. It was a welcome feeling after being inside for nearly two days.

“Come on, let’s get something to eat,” Matthew suggested.

“I just wanna walk.”

“Ok.” They walked in silence. Toni was lost in thought. Matthew was curious as to how she had survived for so long on the streets. He looked around him at the rising confusion, then looked at her; he could see that she felt at ease. Her face was relaxed yet her eyes darted from one thing to another, taking it all in; she seemed to be assessing each situation. They walked for a long time. Matthew tried to give her the lead; he wanted to see where she would go, which roads she would take, hoping that she would take him into her world, just as he had taken her into his.

  Toni wasn’t thinking about where she was going, she just let her legs carry her along and somehow they ended up in her favourite place. It was a warm Saturday morning, the park was already full of movement, mainly joggers. They walked passed the children’s play area, Matthew remembered all the hours he had spent in a similar place hoping to catch sight of his Nicki; how faraway that time was. Now she was here with him but he was unable to say anything, she didn’t even know who he was. Part of him wanted to tell her everything, it would mean confessing his guilt, for what he had done and for what he hadn’t done. And what if history repeated itself and she ran off again? He looked at her; she certainly needed cheering up. So far he had seen her smile only once; she needed to laugh, to forget herself and whatever was inside her head. She needed to do what he doubted she had done for a long time; she needed to play.

“I’m getting hungry; let’s get something to eat,” Matthew suggested. “There’s a place over there.” He instinctively put his arm round Toni and rested his hand on her shoulder, guiding her in the right direction. She hardly noticed; it seemed the most natural thing in the world.

  Just as Toni was about to finish eating Matthew disappeared for five minutes, when he came back he was carrying a ball.

“Come on, I’ve paid the bill. Let’s go and play ball.”

“Listen……..I…….., ” Toni was hesitant.

“No excuses.” He grabbed her hand and they went back to the park, Toni was a little reluctant, she felt uncomfortable. How many times had she watched children, families and friends playing ball in the park, how she had longed to join in, to be a part of something, but now she felt too self-conscious, unable to let herself go. Matthew started messing about with the ball. “Come on, we need two goals; here take the ball.” He headed it over to her, took off his jacket and sweatshirt and made a goal. “Those two trees are your goal, this is mine.” Matthew remembered how they had all played together; it had always been girls versus boys. Nicki and her mother had always won. “Right, throw the ball up in the air, the rules are…there are no rules.”

Toni threw the ball in the air, something seemed familiar about all this, but before she had time to think her opponent had gone off with the ball towards her goal. She went after him…the game had begun. Toni played without a thought for anything. It felt good running for the sake of a game; they ran, played, fell down, cheated and laughed. They had been playing for a while when Toni noticed someone watching them, her friend. She ran over, surprised to see him.

“Hi! Didn’t expect to see you so early. How’s life?”

“Ok.”

“Really?”

“Toni, you don’t have to worry about me,” he said. But she did have to worry, someone had to worry. “What’s the story then? What the hell are you doing with him, a cop?”

“News travels fast round here? It’s a long story. Why don’t you let me talk to him about your problem, he’s really not like the rest.”

“Talk to a cop, you’re joking; you know what’d happen.”

“Yeah you’re right, sorry, not thinking straight.”

“You’re telling me, too much good living. You’re going soft.” They laughed. They understood each other; each respected the other’s decisions and expected nothing. “Toni don’t say anything to him, will you?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Sure, I promise.”

Matthew could see them talking but could hear nothing, he was a little jealous of their intimacy, of the way Toni seemed to feel at ease with the boy. He was younger, about nine or ten he guessed.

  Toni thought a lot of Billy and was very fond of him; she helped him when she could.

“Hey Billy, d’ya wanna play?”

“I can’t I have to go. See ya.” He turned and started to walk away, Toni watched him go, then ran and caught up with him.

“Billy, if you need anything, you know where I am…I mean anything.”

“Ok thanks.” He continued on his way. Toni sat down on the grass and watched him go, she didn’t know how to help and felt a sense of uselessness, it was a familiar feeling though she didn’t know why. She heard Matthew behind her.

“What’s your friend’s name?”

“Billy.”

“Billy what?” Toni didn’t reply, she got up and started walking in the opposite direction. Matthew sensed that her mood had changed; she had become more distant, the presence of the boy had reminded her of something. Matthew was right, for a while when she was involved in the game she had almost forgotten herself but seeing Billy had brought her back to reality. Toni realised that behind the façade of the park and all the people going about their business, playing, running, sitting, there was always someone suffering. She wondered what problems were hidden behind the happy, smiling faces. Maybe that’s why people came here, to play and to forget, if only for a short time, but Billy hadn’t even played, he hadn’t even forgotten just a little; he had been cheated out of his right to play.

  Toni had fallen into a black mood, she thought how life on the streets in some ways was a lot simpler. Matthew felt he had lost her again; she was away in her head and there was no way of getting in. Maybe he was suffocating her and should give her some space; maybe he should trust her, but he was so afraid of losing her. She looked so like her mother and every time he looked at her he could see Abigail looking back at him.

“Toni I have to go to work for a while. If you want to do something we can meet later. That’s if you feel all right; if you don’t feel well we can go home.” She looked at him surprised at his suggestion.

“You mean you trust me to come back or have you had enough of me already?”

“Yes or no. Decide before I change my mind.”

“Ok, I’ll see you at your place this evening.”

“Well you didn’t take much persuading.” Matthew was hoping that she wouldn’t take up his offer of a free afternoon. H couldn’t even begin to imagine what she would get up to and he was already regretting what he had said, but it was too late. Toni, however, was quite relieved to have the opportunity to spend some time alone without having to fight for it. She still felt a little weak but needed some mental space, she was fed up with always being on her guard about what she said. Before he could change his mind she started to walk off. “Hey, hold up a minute,” Matthew found a scrap of paper, scribbled down three numbers then took some cash from his wallet, “here are my phone numbers, the first work, the second home and the third…”

“Do you really need all those phones?” she interrupted. He offered her the note and the money.

“Take this for food or in case you need something. And if you start to feel ill call me.”

“I don’t need your money.”

“You needed it before, remember? If you don’t use it you can always give me it back later.” He stuffed it in the top pocket of her jacket with the note. He could hardly believe what he was doing. There was a part of him that never wanted to lose sight of her again and another part that wanted to see if she would come back to him. He was torn in two but he also understood her need to be alone. Toni sensed his uncertainty and before turning to walk away, she looked at him.

“I’ll come back. Don’t worry.” She swore she could see tears in his eyes and couldn’t understand why he looked so sad.

  Finally, Toni was alone again. Although not quite as alone as before, now she had somewhere warm and safe to go at night; that changed everything, having a bed to sleep in changed everything. She walked down street after street, taking shorts cuts; she knew every corner of the city. She knew which streets to avoid, where gangs hung around bored and looking for trouble, where drugs were sold, where prostitutes hung out, where you could get anything and everything. She hated it, she had seen so much suffering but was unable to do anything, now she had hardened towards it all. She had only managed to save Billy from the clutches of the drug dealers but she had paid for it and was still paying for it, no one forgot anything. She had soon wised up and gone for self-preservation.

  Just after midday Toni entered the library, she loved this place, it was so calm. The library had been her salvation; she had first started going there to keep warm and then slowly she began to read book after book. Some books she had read and re-read, lost in the magical, make-believe stories she had so much wanted to believe but as soon as she left the library she entered into another world where there was no space for the magic. Her favourite was The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, the second of seven adventures in a series called The Chronicles of Narnia. The idea in the book of walking into another world through the back of a wardrobe appealed to her. She had read all seven so many times she had lost count. Sometimes she would sit with headphones and get lost in music; if she was feeling down listening to her favourite songs and melodies would cheer her up.

  When it was very cold she would hide in the library and get locked in on purpose. Under some of the bookshelves there were empty cupboards, she would hide in one until she heard the click of the light switch and the bang of the main door. She used to imagine herself in the lands of Narnia with Aslan, the lion, as her protector. Although she didn’t realise it, these nightly expeditions in the library to Narnia had probably saved her life. Aslan had indeed protected her; winter was hard on the streets; it was difficult to survive nights with temperatures below freezing. Toni had been careful not to attract attention, she had only gone to the library out of school hours and had slept there only when the cold at night was insufferable; she was afraid that if she did it too often she would be discovered. She had also used other buildings for shelter, but again, only when desperate, discovery would have meant no longer being lost and forgotten. This was her way of surviving the cold months and it had worked.

  Toni’s library in the end became more to her than just a place to keep warm, each book she read became her companion and the characters in the books became her friends and enemies. While she was lost in a book the outside world didn’t exist and she felt and believed in the magic, but reality was always there waiting, waiting to teach her another hard fact of life; there was no escaping it. There was no disappearing through the back of a wardrobe into the magical world of Narnia. On the street, survival was the name of the game and she was a survivor.

  Toni walked through the rows of bookshelves, trying to choose a book. As she would soon be off to the beach she chose one about sailing; she sat at a table and buried her head in it. She had learnt as much here as she had learnt on the streets about life. She had read about people’s lives, real and imagined, their beliefs and ideas; she had taken everything in, newspapers, magazines, anything she could read, she read. She was totally unaware that she was learning; she thought that learning only happened at school and as she didn’t go to school she imagined that she must be ignorant; people always treated her as if she were stupid and she believed them. She didn’t realise how full her mind was, how complete her education had been and was continuing to be. Her understanding of life and of people was far deeper than anyone of the same age. To Toni, books were a way to communicate with those who had long since gone, to hear their thoughts, a way to experience the magic of imagination. Books gave her the courage to dare to believe in a better life.

  Time always flew for Toni once she was stuck in a book. She had been reading for two or three hours when she started to feel hungry, she suddenly thought of Billy and decided to go and find him. She didn’t know for sure where he lived, he had always been very secretive and although she had an idea she had respected his request not to look for him at home. She wandered the streets looking for her friend and found him sitting on some steps watching the world go by; he was always in the same places. There was a hot dog stand nearby. Toni bought two and went to sit next to Billy.

“Here.” The boy took the hot dog.

“Who won the game?” he asked her.

 “Nobody, I got some time off and I thought I’d come and find you. I miss talking to you.”

“So tell me about your friend.”

“I don’t know, Billy, it’s weird. It all started with that photo, you remember that photo of him and a woman. There was something special about it and I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.”

“So what did you do?”

“You’re not going to believe me, I took it back to his apartment. I just wanted to leave the wallet with the photo in his box, but he saw me.”

“You’re right, I don’t believe you. Shit! You mean you steal a cop’s wallet then take it back; that’s as good as a written confession. I hate to say it but I think you’re losing it.”

“Yeah, I know it’s crazy, but it doesn’t stop there… Well, to cut it short, he came looking for me, found me and arrested me, then I got sick and ended up crashed out on his sofa. I’ve been his guest ever since. He even wants to take me to the beach tomorrow. He looks at me strangely, like he’s remembering something; he kinda goes quiet and gets all misty-eyed.”

“Can you trust him?”

“I want to but….well you know.” They looked at each other, saying nothing but understanding everything. “And you, how are things between you and your mother?”

“Depends on her mood, on whether she’s got something to drink.”

“Why don’t you let me help you?”

“You know the answer. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Toni took the rest of the money from her pocket and gave it to him. “Here, take this, give her something else to think about.” Billy took the money without a word. Toni looked around and saw some activity at the corner of the street. “Hey Billy, we’d better go. Look who’s over there.”

“Leo and his boys.”

“Come on, I don’t want any trouble.” They got up and walked slowly in the opposite direction. Just before turning the corner Toni looked behind her; as she turned round one of the gang looked up then said something in his leader’s ear who smiled as he caught her eye. “Shit, they’ve seen us, run! Stay in the open, among people, then they won’t do anything.” They both took off like the wind, as they ran past a shop Toni pushed Billy inside. She knew that they weren’t really interested in him, but if he was with her they would pick on him just the same. This meant she had lost time. She could hear someone behind her; she ran up some steps but somehow slipped and fell to the bottom. She felt a hand on each shoulder pulling her to a standing position and then she was dragged into a dark alley.

“If you scream it’ll be worse for you,” a voice whispered in her ear. The sun was bright, it took her eyes a while to adjust. She saw the usual faces surrounding her; she wasn’t afraid, usually they only knocked her around a bit if they caught her, which wasn’t very often. They pushed her from one to the other, then Leo grabbed her by the collar and held her up against a wall.

“So we meet again.”

“Get your hands off me, you filthy son of a bitch. Don’t you dare lay a finger on me.”

“Big words for one so small,” as he said the words he hit her hard across the face with the back of his hand. He was wearing rings and she felt them dig in her face. “I haven’t forgotten what you did, you little shit!” He hit her again. It hurt a lot but Toni didn’t flinch. She was waiting for her opportunity.

“Hey, what’s going on down there!” a voice shouted. Toni felt Leo’s hands loosen and she fell to the ground, the gang disappeared and Toni did the same before some do-gooder started taking over. She climbed through the window of a deserted building and hid until things had calmed down. She felt warm liquid on her lips; her nose was bleeding; it felt numb and the right side of her face was throbbing. She imagined the tranquillity of Matthew’s apartment, the stereo, the television, the fridge, the sofa, the bed, the security; it was time to go back. She thought of where she had slept not so long ago, there was no comparison to the safety of Matthew’s home.

  Toni stayed hidden for a long time, she was waiting for it to get dark so she wouldn’t be noticed as her face was swollen. When she emerged the people on the streets had changed places and the city now belonged to the night people. She started to make her way back to Matthew’s apartment. It was quite a walk; she thought about him; it seemed a long time since that morning and she wondered what he had been doing, whether he had thought about her, whether he was expecting her to go back. She kept her head down and tried to look as inconspicuous as a fourteen year old with facial wounds could look.

  Matthew had seriously regretted letting Toni go off on her own; he had spent most of the day worrying if she would go back or not, resisting the urge to go and look for her. He went into work even though he was on holiday, but couldn’t concentrate; he had told his partner about events during the night but Simon knew there was something Matthew hadn’t told him and guessed it involved Toni.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” Matthew replied, though not really surprised at the question, Simon always knew when he had something on his mind.

“Come on, you come here when you’re on holiday. You’re up and down like a yo-yo, wandering around. I can’t believe you’re so worried about that kid, especially after that black eye she gave you; she’s stronger than she looks. What’s it to you if she doesn’t come back, after all, she’s survived all this time supposedly alone, what’s another night, another two nights? How many kids have we seen in similar situations and none of them have hit your conscience like this one. There’s more to this than you’re telling me.”

“You’re right, there’s more to this than I’m telling you. Let’s go and have lunch at mine, I want to show you a photo.”

“If it’s going to make you less jumpy, sure let’s go and look at some photos.”

  Simon drove, Matthew couldn’t help looking for Toni in the sea of faces.

“Relax, will you. She’ll be all right,” Simon reassured him. They got home and sat down with a coffee. Matthew fetched the box of photographs, on the top lay the only one he had of Nicki. He showed it to Simon.

“Who does this remind you of?”

“Well yeah, it certainly looks like the kid.”

“It’s her Simon, I know it’s her.”

“Listen Matt, she sure looks similar but don’t let your imagination run wild. She doesn’t show any sign that she recognises you, does she?”

“No, but I’m sure there’s an explanation.”

“You mean like she’s exceptionally good at acting.”

“It’s not like you to be so cynical.”

“I’m not being cynical, it’s just that you’re getting carried away. I know you still miss them but you’ve got to put the past in the past.” Simon knew all too well Matthew’s story, how he still suffered from the loss of his family. He didn’t want him to hurt any more than he was. He didn’t want him to be disillusioned.

Matthew looked at Simon. “You don’t believe it’s her, do you?” He took out another photograph, this time of his wife, and showed it to his friend.

“Wow, they do look alike, but it might not be her, I just don’t know. I don’t want you to be let down, and what about the kid. It’s not fair on her; if she’s not Nicki what will you do with her?”

“How can I convince you. It’s more than just old photos, it’s a feeling. When I first bumped into her and saw those eyes something hit me; how can I explain something impossible to put into words? They’re the same eyes that used to rip into me every time I looked at them, reminding me that my wife was dead. I hated those eyes and I loved those eyes. The same face, the same damn curls that fell across her face. Each time I looked at her I saw her mother and I hated her for that. I couldn’t bear her to be near me, to even look at me. Simon, I must have broken her heart and the things I said to her that last night, how can I ever forgive myself? It’s her, I swear, it’s my Nicki.”

Simon looked at Matthew and saw the passion in his eyes. He looked at the photographs once more. “Really, only you can know. It was seven years ago; circumstances change and we adapt but there’s something inside that never changes which we recognise immediately regardless of external appearances. Something that’s always familiar, something eternal. If you say it’s her then I believe you.”

“So what if she doesn’t come back, what if…..”

“Now you’re really getting carried away. Did you have an argument? Did you part on bad terms?”

“No, but I’m worried, I don’t want to lose her again.”

“Matt, it’s totally unlike you to be so irrational; nothing’s happened yet.”

“You’re right, I’m getting everything out of proportion. Let’s have lunch and I’ll try and calm down a bit.”

“Have you said anything to her?”

“No, I don’t want to make any moves until I know more about what happened. She said she has a father somewhere. I’ve no idea who it is, whether it could be her natural father or someone else. Whoever it is something’s not right otherwise what’s she doing hiding round corners, in shadows. Who or what is she so afraid of?”

“Do you know the name of her natural father? Maybe we could try and trace him and find out more.”

“No, I don’t want whoever he is involved, Abigail hardly spoke about him, but from what I could understand he wasn’t the sort of guy you’d invite to dinner. I don’t want to go digging up the past before I know what happened from Nicki, I mean Toni. God this is complicated.” Secretly he was also afraid that whatever happened seven years ago might happen again.

“You’re right. Take things slow; get to know the kid better.”

  They ate a quick lunch, then Simon had to go and Matthew was left alone with his thoughts. He tried reading, watching TV, listening to music, but he couldn’t relax. Eventually the afternoon passed and the sun started to set. It wasn’t late but Matthew was anxious.

  Toni finally arrived at eleven o’clock; it had taken almost two hours; she was tired and her face hurt. The front door of the building was open; she used the stairs not wanting to be stuck in an elevator with someone she didn’t know. She stood outside Matthew’s door, feeling a little silly, wondering if he had forgotten her; she knocked, there were movements inside, then the door opened. When Matthew saw her he didn’t know whether to be relieved, upset or angry. Toni pushed past him and went to get a drink of water; he followed her.

“What’ve you been up to, who did that to your face?”

“I got mugged.”

“Try again.”

“It’s true, they took all the money you gave me.”

“Who’s they?” She wasn’t in the mood for giving explanations.

“Look I haven’t done anything. I haven’t stolen anything and I haven’t broken any laws, leave me alone.”

“Come and sit down, I’ll get something to put on your face.”

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Toni caught sight of herself in the mirror. There was dried blood around her nose and the right side of her face was red and swollen. She washed off the blood and splashed her face with water. She felt that she had let him down. He had been good to her, bought her new clothes, given her money and she had come in looking battered and torn. She went into the lounge and sat down. Matthew had made her a drink; she picked it up avoiding eye contact.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but don’t tell me you walked into a lamp post or got mugged because I know it isn’t true. Tell me the truth or don’t tell me anything at all. Now, come on, let me sort out your face. It wasn’t enough just to thump me you had to start on someone else, too, huh?”

“I didn’t start on anyone.”

“Well I hope this anyone, whoever it may be, is worse off than you. I can see I’ll have to get you out of this city before you do some serious damage to yourself. Here, put this clean sweatshirt on.” Toni looked down at the one she had on, there was blood splattered on it and it was ripped at the shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Matthew asked while bathing her face.

“The sweatshirt, it’s ruined.”

“Don’t worry.”

She was a little surprised at his reaction, he was so kind and gentle, she felt a sudden wave of sadness and tears filled her eyes.

“It’s ok to cry you know,” he said.

Toni tried hard to swallow the lump in her throat and remained silent.

"My soul is full of longing for the secrets of the sea, and the heart of the great ocean sends a thrilling pulse through me...."  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  The following morning Toni slept a little later than usual. Matthew had been up for a while and had prepared breakfast. As she got dressed she could hear him singing; still bleary-eyed, she went to get some of what he was cooking; it smelt good.

“How’s the walking wounded this morning?” he joked.

“Very funny.”

“Hurry up, sit down and eat something I want to arrive before lunch.”

“Arrive where?”

“Have you forgotten already? We’re off to the beach, remember?”

Toni had forgotten but was quite happy with the prospect. She didn’t remember if she had ever been to the beach but she had seen pictures and read many stories; the sea had always fascinated her. She wondered at its immensity; it could be wild and uncontrollable or quiet and calm. As Toni ate she noticed a bag sitting by the door.

“Are you ready then?” Matthew asked.

“I guess so.”

“I’ve packed some things for you, all you have to do is finish eating and get in the car.”

  They went down to the garage. Toni was looking forward to getting out of the city, it was all she had known for a long time. Sometimes she felt she couldn’t breathe for all the concrete; she couldn’t see the sky; it was so oppressive. They drove through the mass of buildings. Toni watched the various activities, seeing everything from the window of a car was strange, not being a part of it, only an observer. To her, like Matthew’s apartment, the car was another little box that people used to protect themselves from the onslaught of the outside world. She was used to the elements: the wind, rain, sun and snow, they had all become a part of her, she felt at home with them. Inside the car the stillness of the air disturbed her, it was unnatural, she opened the window to let the outside world in and the inside world out.

“If you’re hot I’ll switch on the air conditioning.”

“I’m not hot I just want the window open.”

  Soon they were leaving the city, Matthew slowed down as they approached a hypermarket.

“We have to get you some stuff,” he explained.

“But I don’t want anything,” protested Toni.

“Oh come on, you can’t wear the same clothes for two weeks.”

“Don’t see why not.”

“You don’t have a choice.” They stopped and he pulled her out of the car. Once inside Toni could only stand and stare at the rows and rows of things to buy; she was overwhelmed by the enormity of the store.

  Matthew started putting things into their trolley, measuring clothes up against Toni, who was bewildered and confused by the choice; she felt lost in a world that she didn’t know. She thought of people she knew in the city, people with nothing, no home, one set of clothes, all within the distance of a few miles. After a while, Matthew stopped to think.

“Let’s see, sweatshirts, T-shirts, jeans, shorts, swimming costume.” He looked her up and down, his eyes reached her shoes. He steered the trolley over to the footwear section.

“Here try these.” Matthew handed her a pair of trainers. She took off her old shoes revealing her bare feet. “Ummm...better get some socks and maybe some more underwear. Then a thought struck him, he wondered if she had started doing ‘women’s’ things. He didn’t even know if she was aware of what her body was supposed to do, if it wasn’t doing it already. “Er...can I ask you a question…er…it’s a bit personal….um… how can I put this?” Toni looked at Matthew and immediately tuned in to what he was thinking; she found his embarrassment amusing.

“Whatever it is ask me straight then I’ll decide if it’s worth answering.”

“Yeah right.” He paused, looking around him, nearby was a shop assistant. “Excuse me, miss, I wonder if you could help me,” he pulled her aside and mumbled something in her ear. She smiled and went over to Toni, who looked at Matthew smiling.

“Listen I don’t need a pep talk about the workings of the female body. But you needn’t worry, I’ll tell you when the time comes.” She winked.

“You cheeky….”

“Don’t start throwing insults at me,” she interrupted. “Can’t you take a joke?”

“I can, I just hope you can, too, when the time comes,” he shot her a playful glance. “Well I reckon we’d better take something just in case, you never know.” The shop assistant continued to smile and left them to it. Toni shrugged her shoulders and couldn’t understand why she needed all the things that Matthew had put in the trolley when she had survived for so long with next to nothing.

“Look, can we go now, this place is giving me a headache.”

“We still have to get some provisions.”

They walked down row after row, Toni had never seen so much food in one place. Finally, Matthew announced that they had better go, Toni looked at the overflowing trolley.

“Isn’t it a bit much for two weeks?” she asked.

“Yeah, maybe I’ve exaggerated a bit, but you need feeding up; you’re all skin and bones.”

“If I get any fatter those clothes you got me won’t fit.”

“You’ve always got an answer ready, haven’t you? Is there anything you want?”

“Me? No, I think you’ve got enough for both of us there.” As she was looking around, she saw a sign, BOOKS, and without saying a word walked off. Matthew followed her, wondering where she was heading with such determination. He was surprised when she stopped and started looking at books. After some time browsing through the titles Toni saw what she was looking for, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis; she took the book of her choice and laid it on the top of the trolley. She noticed how Matthew was looking at her. “What’s the problem? Didn’t you think I could read?” He didn’t answer, but was thinking how his impression of her was changing.

  Matthew pushed the trolley to the check-out and paid. As they walked outside Toni took a deep breath, picked up her book and went to wait in the car. She was so relieved when they were on the open road, nothing in front but open space. She put her head out of the window to get a good look at the city disappearing into the distance.

It looked strange stuck in the middle of an expanse of countryside, something alien, yet it was where she had lived since she was about ten; she had been right there in the centre like an ant in the middle of an anthill. She felt small and insignificant; she had left the city and it hadn’t made the slightest difference to anyone, except maybe Billy. She sat back in her seat and looked ahead; there was a mass of countryside in front. The more she watched the green floating past, the more she began to relax; there was no one to run from, no one to hurt her. The last time she had been in the country was when she was on a bus going in the opposite direction, heading into the mass of buildings to hide. She had spent all her time since then absorbed in that world without giving much of a thought to what went on outside the confines of the city. It was one world, one complete world contained within another. Paradoxically, despite the dangers, she had felt safe surrounded by so much concrete, with so many corners to hide around. She yawned; her eyelids felt heavy and she let them close.

  Toni woke up when Matthew stopped to fill up the car; she felt stiff and got out to stretch her legs. She looked around, nothing but hills, trees and sky surrounded them.

“Are we nearly there?” she asked.

“About another two hours. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“Thirsty?”

“No.”

“Well you’re easy to please. Come on, let’s go.”

  The journey continued in silence both lost in their own thoughts, Matthew wondering what he had let himself in for and Toni wondering what she was doing hanging around with a cop. Eventually the sea appeared over the horizon.

“Have you ever been to the beach?” Matthew asked, trying to get a conversation going. Toni thought for a while, trying to remember; she was sure she had but she couldn’t remember.

“Maybe when I was small. I don’t remember very well.”

“What don’t you remember, going to the beach or being small?”

She always got agitated when she wanted to remember something and couldn’t; she knew she had a gap in her memory that she couldn’t fill. Matthew’s question somehow annoyed her.

“I just don’t remember. I’ve seen pictures in books.”

“Do you like books?” He was curious about the book she had chosen and was pleased to have the opportunity to ask something.

“Yes.” Toni was wary of entering into a personal conversation, she wasn’t used to talking about herself.

“What book was it you chose?”

“You saw the title; you know what it is, so why ask?”

Matthew wasn’t making much progress, but he kept trying to get something out of her.

“Have you read it before?”

“Why are you so interested in the book? It’s just a book for God’s sake.” This wasn’t true of course: to Toni it wasn’t just a book, it was a memory; each book she had read represented a part of her life. With all the questions Matthew was asking she was starting to regret ever picking it up. She could see that he was frustrated because she wasn’t very forthcoming with information, but her life was too involved, if she started talking she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to stop. She had never spoken to anyone, not even Billy knew everything; she didn’t want anyone to know her. She couldn’t explain what the book meant to her, of her imaginary adventures in the library, it was too much a part of herself. She was fed up with Matthew’s questions and he was fed up with her lack of co-operation.

“Why don’t you just tell me something about yourself, damn it.”

“No.”

 “Stop being so difficult.”

“Then stop asking questions. Why do you expect me to sit here and tell you my life story when I know next to nothing about you? I bet you’ve got some secrets you’d think twice about repeating out loud.”

“Tell me why everything with you becomes a fight. I try to make conversation to pass the time and to get to know you better and you put up the blocks, that brick wall; what is it protecting you from?”

“I thought you were a cop not a psychologist.”

“Why are you hiding? What is it exactly that you don’t want me to know?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, I can look after myself. You explain something; tell me why you look at me like you do for a start.”

“You’re the one who has to give explanations; you’re the kid living rough, stealing to survive; you’re the one who needs help. What happened yesterday when you went off on your own in the big city; you came back with a bloody nose and no money. What happened? You keep telling me how capable you are, how you can look after yourself, but I don’t see much evidence.” Matthew knew he was provoking her, Toni knew it too but was finding it hard to stay calm.

“Stop the car,” she ordered.

“Why? Are you going to walk back?”

“I said stop the car.” The car skidded to a halt. Toni got out and started walking in the opposite direction; Matthew turned the car round and levelled with her, winding down his window.

“The beach is the other way.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you. If you think I’m a useless piece of shit then say so. At least be honest. I don’t want and I don’t need your help. Leave me alone.” She sat down by the side of the road. The sky was clouding over.

“Ok, I’ll just wait here until you manage to get a ride.” He pulled over and turned off the engine. Matthew knew the chance of a car passing was low, he was also thinking that he had gone too far and regretted saying so much.

  A short while later it started to rain. “What the hell am I doing here?” Toni mumbled. “What the hell am I doing with him?”

The car door opened and Matthew walked over. “Come on, get in the car.”

“No.” She was determined not to let him win.

“I’m sorry, I said too much. In an hour we’ll be at the beach house. I promise I won’t open my mouth for the rest of the journey.”

“I don’t want to spend the next two weeks stuck in a beach hut with you.”

“Well we won’t talk to each other then. Come on, we’re getting wet. And it’s not a hut.” Toni stood up and went to get into the car. Matthew followed her. “Not a word, ok,” he said, starting the engine.

  Toni had fallen into a black mood by the time they arrived, it was still raining and the sea had changed from blue to grey. The sky was heavy, she felt heavy, she could almost feel the weight of the sky on her shoulders pushing her down. Thunder rumbled in the distance, waves rolled over the sea, dark, like the colour of her thoughts, wild and untameable like a part of her. Toni felt angry, angry with everyone and everything; she was about to explode. Matthew stopped the car; she got out and starting walking down the beach to the sea.

“Where are you going now, it’s teeming down!” Matthew shouted after her, he had a feeling that she was going to do something crazy. She reached the water’s edge, put her arms in the air and threw her head back; she let the wind carry away her melancholy; she let the rain wash away the dirt and grime of the city; she screamed and let the crashing waves carry away her anger. Matthew watched in amazement at the spectacle, then thought that maybe it was a good idea; a little voice in his mind urged him to join her. The two of them would have looked quite a sight to anyone who might have been passing, but there was no one to disturb them. Their tribal cry lasted only a few minutes. They stood in silence for a while, watching the storm moving away; patches of blue sky slowly appeared and the sun started to peep through. Matthew looked at Toni.

“You’re crazy, but it did feel good,” he admitted.

“Sure did.” They turned round and went back to the car, both wet through.

  Matthew arranged their clothes near the fire. Toni was sitting in a chair watching the flames dancing, her hands clasping a hot drink. It wasn’t cold, a fire wasn’t really necessary but it was comforting.

“Where do you get the wood?” Toni asked, curious, as all she had seen was a large stretch of beach and further inland, only grassy slopes.

“There’s a forest about fifteen minutes drive away; it’s wonderful, particularly this time of year. Are you hungry? It’s too late for lunch and too early for dinner. How about a sandwich?”

“Anything I don’t mind.” Toni was in good mood, at least for now she had got rid of the shadows that had been hanging over her earlier. She decided that despite her doubts she was going to relax; she didn’t have to think about food, about who was round the next corner or about being cold at night. She smiled inwardly, wondering how she would fill her time.

  At ten o’clock Toni found herself in bed, she was tired. She looked around the room, Matthew had put her book by the bed; she picked it up and started to read, but before even finishing the first chapter she had fallen asleep. Later, Matthew noticed the light still on and pushed open the door. He smiled as he saw her sprawled out on the bed, the book had fallen to one side; he put it back on the bedside table. As he looked at her he thought how he would have given anything to be able to go back in time and change everything, to relive everything in the light of what he knew now; but how many people had wished just that very same thing. He covered her up and went to bed.

  Matthew woke up with a jolt, hearing Toni shouting. He went to her but she was still asleep, tossing and turning, saying “No” over and over again. He could see beads of perspiration on her forehead. He was unsure whether to wake her up or not. Her face was twisted, absorbed with the emotions of the dream. Her voice got louder, then suddenly she sat bolt upright, her eyes wide open. Matthew went cold as he saw the terror in her eyes; she was breathing quickly. He couldn’t work out if she was awake or asleep then her breathing slowed down and the fear in her eyes was replaced by confusion.

“Hey, it’s ok, it was only a dream,” Matthew reassured her, taking her hand. For a split second Toni couldn’t remember where she was. An image flashed through her mind of a family playing on a beach, a young boy, herself, a woman (the woman in the photograph) and Matthew, like a memory. She came back to the present, putting it down to fantasy, a kind of dream. An incredible sense of sadness overwhelmed her and a single tear rolled down her cheek. She felt a strange sense of loss. She wiped away the tear.

“I’m all right,” she said.

“Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes just talking makes bad dreams go away.” Toni wished it was that simple. “It was nothing,” she said quietly and Matthew knew it was no good insisting.

“Well if you need to talk I’m here.” He didn’t even know if she was listening, her eyes looked a long way away. He felt useless, if she didn’t want to open the door into her world there was nothing he could do and he left her alone with her thoughts.

  Toni lay back on the bed, eyes open, she didn’t want to go back to sleep, terrified of what might be waiting for her. She remembered what Billy had said once, that his dreams made him feel better, that sometimes they helped him get through. But Toni couldn’t open to her dreams; she was afraid of what she might find, of who she might find.

  Morning finally arrived, Toni wandered into the lounge, bleary-eyed. Mathew had been up and about for a long time.

“I’ve been waiting for you. It’s a glorious morning, do you fancy a run?”

“A run where?” Toni looked puzzled.

“Along the beach of course.”

The idea of running for pleasure didn’t strike Toni as something normal. She had always run out of necessity, out of fear, out of a need to get out of somewhere or away from someone. She often watched the joggers in the park, some, she supposed, to lose weight, others to keep fit, but whatever their reasons she had always thought of running for pleasure a strange idea.

“No thanks, I’ll give it a miss.”

“Listen, if I can stand by the sea in the rain, screaming to the ancient gods like a madman, I think you might at least give it a go.” Toni laughed and got herself into shorts and T-shirt.

  It felt good running along the beach; she could feel the sand between her toes, the sea lapped her feet. They ran together in silence, the rhythmic sound of the sea their background music. Toni found it easy to keep up the pace, in fact if anyone was struggling it was Matthew.

“Do you want a rest?” she enquired. “You don’t seem very fit to me; no wonder you didn’t catch me when I grabbed your wallet. Not much hope for the city’s police force if you’re a typical example.” She turned and ran off in the direction of the beach house.

“Wait ’til I catch you!”

“You mean if you catch me!” Toni shouted, laughing. This wasn’t too far from the truth she was fast but Matthew had found his reserves and was closing the gap. Toni was laughing so much it slowed her down. It was amusing to her being chased for fun, usually if she got caught she would be in for a thump, or worse, from one of the gangs, this time all she got was a soaking. Matthew ran up to her and took her in his arms.

“Hold ya breath, you’re going in!” Toni hit the water, it was cold but refreshing; as she surfaced she was still laughing. She looked at Matthew, splashed him and then started swimming away. A moment later she stopped, Matthew reached her.

“I didn’t know I could swim,” Toni said puzzled.

“You swam like a fish when you were little, we could never get you out of the water,” he said, having spoken without thinking.

“What do you mean ‘when I was little’?” Toni looked at him long and hard, a look that demanded an answer.

“I meant that you probably swam like a fish when you were little.”

“That’s not what you said, I might be a lot things but I’m not deaf.” She knew what she had heard and it didn’t make sense.

“Ok, let’s go and dry off and I’ll explain.” Matthew didn’t know how he was going to explain anything but he needed time to think.

“Explain now.” Toni could see that he was trying to buy time, but there was no avoiding the issue; he had to come up with an explanation. They got out of the water and sat on the beach.

“When I first saw you, you reminded me of someone I used to know some years ago, my wife’s daughter; we used to go to the beach a lot. I just got confused for a moment and imagined you were her.”

“What happened to your wife?”

“She died in a car accident.”

“I’m sorry …..and the girl?”

“We lost touch.”

“So the reason you’ve been so good to me is because I remind you of your wife’s daughter?”

“I suppose so,” was all Matthew could answer. It sounded so wrong, the way everything sounded was wrong, but he couldn’t tell Toni the whole truth; it was too early, and pointless if she didn’t recognise him.

“So that’s what I am, a reminder of your past life. So what happens when you get fed up with me, when you get fed up with having a reminder of your wife’s daughter hanging around?” This thought had been in the back of her mind from the beginning; that the novelty of her presence would wear off.

“Toni, please it’s not like that, I’m not going to throw you out.”

“Oh forget it, it doesn’t matter,” she tried to make it sound like it wasn’t important one way or the other, but it was important, it did matter. Toni liked Matthew, she didn’t want to be a reminder of someone, she wanted to be that someone. Matthew knew he couldn’t tell her the truth then and there, but he couldn’t lie.

“To be honest it started off like that but I’ve grown fond of you.”

“How can you be fond of me after just a few days and after all the problems I’ve caused you? You don’t even know me.”

“I don’t want to see you all alone on the streets again. I want you with me, and not just because you remind me of my wife’s daughter. I swear…I don’t want to lose you.” Matthew was holding Toni’s arms and looking directly into her eyes, she could see he was being sincere, but it was all a bit intense for her.

“Ok, I believe you,” she said, although she wasn’t quite convinced; she felt there was something more, something that he wasn’t telling her. She wasn’t in the mood for any more discussion so she let it go.

  Having just discovered that she could swim and being wet anyway Toni decided to test her newfound ability and ran back into the sea, still dressed in T-shirt and shorts. It felt good gliding through the water as if it were only an extension of her body. She floated on her back with her head half submerged in the sea. She closed her eyes; the sun warmed her face and she imagined she was floating in eternity, at one with nature. It was a feeling she had never experienced before; all her fears, her worries and uncertainties disappeared, all the voices in her head were silent. She could feel her heartbeat in tune with the heartbeat of the universe; she could hear the song of the earth. As she bobbed about on the sea she felt a part of everything. Somehow she felt at home, like La Petite Fille De La Mer of Vangelis; such beautiful music, it seemed such a contrast to the harsh world she was used to.

  The pleasant sounds of nature were disturbed by a rumbling from Toni’s stomach; she suddenly realised how hungry she was and started swimming towards the beach where Matthew was waiting.

“I’m starving.”

“Come on then, let’s have breakfast.”

  While Toni dried off Matthew made something to eat; he knew that she hadn’t been satisfied with his explanation and was grateful that she hadn’t pressed him further. They ate breakfast. Toni was once again lost in her thoughts; several minutes passed then she put those thoughts into words.

“The woman in that photo, was she your wife?”

“Yes.”

“The girl you spoke about, you said she was your wife’s daughter, didn’t you have any children of your own?” Matthew felt uncomfortable, nor was he happy answering questions about his past, but he knew if he wanted Toni to open up then he would have to do the same.

“We had a son called Timothy.”

“What happened to him?”

“He died in the car accident with my wife.”

Toni said nothing for a few minutes, somehow understanding Matthew’s sense of loss. He had been one of those perfect families playing ball in the park one day, and the next, one of those lonely people wandering around looking for someone or something.

“It must have been terrible to lose everything so suddenly,” she was almost talking to herself. She started to view Matthew in a different light, with less suspicion. She had only thought about herself in the past few days and she had treated him badly when he was doing his best to help her, for whatever reasons. She wanted to take his hand and squeeze it but she wasn’t used to giving demonstrations of affection. They looked at each other and for a moment, made contact.

“Toni what do you remember about when you were younger, before the age of seven?” She looked at him curiously. “I don’t remember anything; sometimes I try to remember but my mind comes up blank.”

“What about your mother, what do you remember about her?”

“Nothing, my father told me she died.” She didn’t want to say anymore and made the excuse that she had to go to the bathroom, but for Matthew, for now, it was enough. She didn’t recognise him because she didn’t remember him; she had forgotten everything. Now he knew beyond any doubt who Toni was.

“In all things of nature there is something of the marvellous.” Aristotle   

  Toni didn’t have to be persuaded to go for a run the next morning she was up at the crack of dawn and running along the beach barefoot, splashing in the shallow water. For the first time, for as long as she could remember, she experienced a sense of freedom, here there was no one to disturb her, only Matthew, but she was getting used to his company. Toni loved the sea and was already dreading the time when they had to go back to the city; she tried to chase such thoughts from her mind. She had been running for thirty minutes when she came to some rocks; she sat down on the sand near one that appeared to have the face of an old man embedded in it. She stretched out, closed her eyes and listened to the music of the waves; every so often a seagull would interrupt the peace, she had never felt so relaxed. She felt as if she could have spent the rest of her life on that same spot like the old man of the rock. She rolled over and looked at him, wondering how many days he had seen pass by in silence, how many ships on the horizon and how many storms. How many glorious summer days had wandered by, the sun beating down, making him sweat, how many waves had splashed his face and cooled him. He obviously liked his position as he was smiling, at peace with himself and the world. Toni wondered if she would ever be like him. Her stomach told her that it was time to eat. She got up and started running in the direction of the beach house; she made it back in half the time, light-hearted and full of energy. Matthew was sitting on the steps smiling.

“So you couldn’t wait for me this morning, huh?”

“No, I’m sorry I couldn’t resist. You were still asleep when I got up, at least that’s what I guessed from the snoring coming from your room.”

“You’re treading dangerously, if you’re not careful you’ll end up where you did yesterday.”

“Not now, I’m starving.”

“You’re always hungry.”

“Well I am still growing.” Toni hated being hungry; hunger had always reminded her that she was alone, that she didn’t have a nice cosy home with a kitchen and a big fridge full of nice things to eat. Some days she remembered being hungry all day waiting for an opportunity to steal a wallet or purse or some food usually she didn’t do too badly but there had always been days when she felt her stomach would turn in on itself. She gulped down her breakfast and immediately felt better.

“You’ll get indigestion eating like that,” Matthew commented, but Toni ignored him. When she had finished she leaned back in her chair looking satisfied with herself, wondering about the day ahead.

“What are we going to do today?”

“There should be a couple of old bikes somewhere, we could fix them up and go for a picnic?”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

  Before searching out the bikes with Matthew, Toni went through the usual ritual of clearing away the breakfast things and tidying up. She felt nervous, a sense of anxiety, if things were in a mess, her father had hated disorder to the point of obsession and he would explode in a fit of temper if things weren’t how he wanted them. When he lost his temper the end was always the same for Toni: she became his punch-bag, absorbing all his anger and frustration. Sometimes there would be long periods of calm if she managed to get everything right, but the longer the period of calm the worse the inevitable explosion. You couldn’t argue or protest, it was best just to get it over with as quickly as possible. Their last year together had been pathetic, trying to keep clean and tidy the squalid places where they lived was impossible. Some of the dirt had been ingrained for years and wouldn’t ever be removed, but he had made her try. Matthew had noticed how Toni instinctively tidied up everything; he thought it better to ignore the habit. When she had finished she went outside to check out the bikes; Matthew was organising his tools.

“Well that’s them done, come on, we have to make something for lunch. What do you want in your sandwiches?”

“Don’t mind.”

  When everything was prepared they set off, each carrying a small backpack; this was something else that was new for Toni. They cycled along the road that ran parallel to the beach, the sea was on their left and green hills on their right. She felt calm, after only a short time with Matthew she was beginning to realise that maybe life could be different, that even she was entitled to something better. Suddenly Matthew turned right leaving her cycling off alone.

“Hey! Where are you going?”

“Come on, stop dreaming, it’s time to start working. We’re going up there.” He pointed to the top of the hill. Toni looked up at the winding road.

“You mean, up there, to the top, but isn’t it a long way? And it’s all uphill.”

“That’s where we’re having lunch.”

“Lunch? You mean dinner, it’ll take ages.”

“At least you’ll work up an appetite.”

“I don’t need to work up an appetite; you said yourself I’m always hungry. Why can’t we just cruise along here by the beach; it’s so relaxing.”

“Don’t be lazy, besides it’ll be great coming down again.”

  Toni could see she wasn’t going to win this one and decided that the quicker she got up there the quicker she would get her lunch. It was a gradual climb and seemed never-ending. Once at the top the road levelled.

“This is more like it,” she said, relieved that the difficult bit was over. Matthew had stopped and was looking out to sea.

“Wasn’t it worth it, look at that.”

Toni got off her bike, she had been so concerned with getting to the top that she hadn’t looked around her. She marvelled at the view: the expanse of the sea, the sense of space, sense of freedom, sense of the world, a sense of something she couldn’t put into words.

“You’re right. It was worth it.” She sat down hypnotised, not just by what she was seeing, but by what she was feeling; she had seen wonderful pictures in books but nothing compared to the reality of seeing and feeling for herself. She had never had the same sensation in the city; there everything was so closed in, no sense of space, no sense of something more, of something unexplainable. They both took a drink.

“Do you want to stop for a while?” Matthew asked her.

“We’ve done the hard slog, might as well carry on.”

  They cycled slowly in silence. Matthew saw how relaxed Toni was and was tempted to take the opportunity to tell her everything but he couldn’t be sure of her reaction. He looked at her and wondered what was in her head. At the same time she looked at him wondering what he was thinking; they caught each other’s eye and laughed.

  To Toni, it seemed as if they were cycling on top of the world. The sea breeze blew in her face, the sea air seemed familiar, as familiar as the smells of the streets, and she lost track of time. Finally Matthew suggested stopping for lunch. After eating they lay back on the grass and Toni allowed herself the privilege of imagining that this was how it had always been, that her life before was just a bad dream. With these thoughts in her mind she fell into a light sleep, Matthew watched her as she dozed, never having seen her so mellowed out; she had a different face, younger; he couldn’t really say contented but it came close.

  After a while Toni came to; she saw Matthew sitting with his back to her, facing the sea. She went and sat next to him feeling unusually talkative.

“Do you often come to the sea?”

“Every so often, sometimes alone, sometimes with Simon.”

“It’s a wonderful place, so different from the city.” When she thought of all the suffering that she had seen it seemed almost impossible that such beauty could exist in the same world.

“Come on dreamy, let’s get going back.”

“Do we have to? I feel I could stay up here forever.”

“I know what you mean,” Matthew said getting up. He took her hands and pulled her to her feet.

  Naturally, the return journey was quicker; the exhilaration of the ride down remained stamped in Toni’s mind for a long time after. When they arrived back she collapsed in a chair. Matthew laughed.

“Don’t make yourself too comfortable, isn’t it your turn to cook dinner tonight?”

“I don’t know the first thing about cooking.” This wasn’t really true but she had no intention of doing anything the slightest bit energetic for the rest of the evening. “I can make you a sandwich if ya like,” she offered.

“Not another sandwich.”

“Well, looks like you’re cooking then. Anyway I don’t think I’m capable of getting up from this chair.”

“I thought you were the fit one.”

“Not today.”

“Who’s first in the shower?”

“You,” said Toni, half way through a yawn.

“Don’t doze off again while I’m gone, will you?”

“What do you mean again?”

“Well you already had forty winks after lunch.”

“I wasn’t asleep, I was just resting.”

“Sure. Whatever you say.”

After dinner……

  Matthew was outside watching the sunset, Toni joined him, he instinctively put his arm around her, resting his hand on her shoulder and she instinctively leaned against him. The orange glow of the sun lit up her sunburnt face making her eyes look even bluer, like deep pools of water. She had the same feeling as at the top of the hill, a feeling that took her beyond time and space, something eternal existed in this beauty, something she couldn’t identify but that she felt inside. Then slowly the sun disappeared behind the sea, gone to wake up the other side of the world. She realised how close she was to Matthew and was slightly embarrassed, but she didn’t move despite herself, it was just too comfortable. A wind was getting up and the air was changing.

“Come on,” said Matthew, “let’s go in, feels like a storm’s brewing.”

  Toni was woken up by a clap of thunder, so loud that it seemed to be right inside her head. She sat up; her muscles ached. Rain was falling heavily on the roof. She got up and went outside to watch the storm. Lightning flashed over the sea, illuminating the scene before her eyes. Thunder boomed overhead, here was the other side of nature, the uncontrollable, the wild, the frightening; she imagined being out in a small boat, alone, in the middle of this wild, unforgiving sea. There was a strange beauty in the storm, eternity also existed in all this noise and violence but she didn’t feel afraid, she felt uplifted. It was cold and she started to shiver, she stood there for a few minutes then went back to bed, hiding under the covers, not from fear but simply because it was wonderful to do so.

  The next day they got up late, the rain was non-stop all morning, it didn’t bother Toni as she felt stiff and had no desire to do anything. She was quite happy to sit and read, she had hardly picked up her book since their arrival.

  After lunch Toni started to get fidgety, Matthew noticed that she was having trouble trying to sit still.

“Fancy a walk?” he suggested. “It’s almost stopped raining.”

“All right.”

  They wandered along the beach; every now and again Matthew would pick up a pebble and skim it across the surface of the water, trying to bounce it as many times as possible.

“Here, you try,” he passed Toni a pebble. “Use the flat ones, like this.” He put the pebble in between his index finger and thumb, then threw it low over the surface of the sea, it bounced three or four times. Toni had a go, her pebble bounced three times before it plopped into the water. “Not bad, now watch this,” as he went to make another throw.

“Stop messing about with stones, I want to introduce you to a friend.” Toni pulled Matthew’s arm and they walked along the beach until they came to Toni’s old man; she climbed on top. “I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Stoneface. He’s been here since time began and can tell you anything you want to know but you have to close your eyes and listen very carefully.” Matthew looked at her, not quite understanding what she was talking about. Toni noticed his confused expression. “Don’t you see?” she said, jumping off the rock. “Look, here are his eyes, his nose, and his mouth; he’s even smiling. Here, let’s give him a bit of hair.” She picked up a bit of seaweed and put it on his head. Matthew backed away from the rock to get a better look.

“Yes, you’re right, it does look a bit like an old man. I’ve never noticed before.” He smiled at Toni, she seemed a different person away from her other life. She seemed to live more in the present; she would lose that faraway look that she often had; her eyes and her face were more expressive, as if she didn’t feel threatened and could be herself. Her nights hadn’t changed though, he often heard her crying out or getting up and wandering around. If he heard her talking or shouting he would always go to her but she would be sleeping, in the middle of some terrible dream. At least during the day she seemed less troubled and on the beach she certainly seemed at ease.

  Toni walked over to Matthew and looked at her Mr. Stoneface.

“He looks a bit younger with hair, what do you think?” 

Matthew picked up more seaweed and positioned it carefully on Toni’s silent friend, just under his nose. “There, now he’s got a moustache.”

“He looks ....umm.... very distinguished.” A seagull landed on top of the rock, they laughed. The sky darkened, threatening rain but neither seemed to notice, they walked on a bit further, each lost in their own thoughts. Matthew was wondering whether Toni would ever realise the truth and what would happen when or if she did. Toni was thinking about life, how sometimes everything seemed so complicated. They stopped walking, turning to look out over the sea, there was a storm heading into shore, they could see the lightning and hear the thunder rumbling in the distance.

“Life isn’t easy is it?” Toni said, staring out to sea. The question surprised Matthew and he was taken aback by the gravity of her voice. It almost seemed like a request for help; as he looked down at her he was overwhelmed by the familiar feeling that he had let her down, that she had paid for his mistakes, it was a feeling that was difficult to live with. At her age she shouldn’t be having such thoughts, she should be going out with her first boyfriend, discussing make-up and music with friends, spending hours on the telephone.

  Toni was feeling lost, lost in a world that she didn’t understand, none of it was easy, sometimes it was all so unbearable, being at the beach made it better and made it worse. The beauty of the sea and the hills brought her joy, but momentarily as the beauty made her think of the suffering she had seen and she couldn’t understand how it was possible for such a contrast. Matthew placed his arm round her.

“Toni, Toni, Toni, you’re right sometimes life isn’t easy but you shouldn’t be thinking about things like that.”

“Well you tell me what I should be thinking about; you haven’t been there you haven’t seen what I have, you see everything from your side, not from the middle of all the confusion and desperation. You have your comfortable home, your job, your car, your beach house, but more than anything you have your ability to survive in this world and survive well. Some people don’t have that ability and can’t rise above their desperation, their fear of failing. I know you’ve suffered, like you said, everyone’s got a story, but those people, those families, those children, don’t have a hope in hell.” She wasn’t angry, she was simply stating things as they were, as she saw them. “I was lucky I found something inside to keep me going, I found the strength to continue, don’t ask me how. I suppose I lived a lot in my head, in my imagination, trying not to spend too much time looking around me.”

Matthew was moved by her passionate speech, once more impressed by her words. She continued, “I wish someone would explain it to me, I can’t make sense of anything, and don’t tell me I shouldn’t be thinking about these things because I’m too young. If I don’t think about this stuff now, when am I supposed to think about it? When I’m older I’ll probably be so used to it all, so accustomed, that nothing will make an impression anymore.”

She turned and looked up at Matthew allowing her eyes to linger, watching the expression on his face, he seemed troubled too. She felt drops of rain on her face and looked up at the sky. Matthew wished he could give her all the answers, he wished he could take away all the sadness in her voice, the voice of a child who had seen too much.

“I don’t know the hows and whys, I wish I did.” He knew that whatever he said would be inadequate. They both just stood and stared out to sea. Matthew glanced up at the sky. “Do you know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think we’re going to get very wet.”

The heavens opened, Matthew took off his jacket and held it over their heads.

“That’s not going to do much good, by the time we get back we’ll be wet anyway so we might as well enjoy it.”

“Enjoy it?” replied Matthew in a worried voice.

“Don’t you like the rain?” Toni lifted her face up to the sky and the raindrops splashed on her cheeks like tears.

“You’re not going to start screaming again are you?”

“Don’t tempt me.”

  They were soaked by the time they arrived back.

“This is the second time since we got here I’ve been drenched, some holiday; we’ll both be going back with a good dose of flu and you’ve only just got over the last one.”

“It was just a bad cold.”

“Hardly, you collapsed in my arms, remember?”

“Don’t exaggerate.”

“Come on, take off those clothes, I’ll light the fire.”

  It felt so good sitting by the fire staring at the flames. Toni had completely lost track of time that afternoon but was now certain it must be around dinnertime as she had the usual empty feeling. She wondered where Matthew was. She looked in the fridge for an idea of what she could prepare for dinner and found a few vegetables which looked like they had seen better days, a tin of tomatoes and some more bits that needed using up. She set about cooking without thinking about what she was doing and soon it was well underway. She had learnt to cook by trial and error, sometimes her father would dump the shopping in front of her and demand something for dinner; she had quickly discovered his likes and dislikes and had learnt to cook well, out of the necessity of avoiding his temper.

  She set the table perfectly, wishing that she could just throw everything on the table like Matthew did, but it made her nervous when things weren’t done properly. She heard him come in.

“Mmmm....something smells good, I thought you said you could only make sandwiches?”

“I’ve only thrown a few things together, it’s nothing special, rice with vegetables.”

“Well it certainly smells better than it sounds.”

“How long?”

“About ten minutes.”

  They sat down to eat and not a word was said until the meal had been demolished.

“Well Toni, I’m impressed, where did you learn to cook?”

“My father taught me.” It was true in a way, he had taught her with his ‘get it right or pay the consequences’ method.

“Was he a chef?”

“No.”

“Well what was he then?”

Toni could think of a lot of answers to that question, but they weren’t things she could have repeated to Matthew. This was dangerous ground for her: talking about her father was a taboo subject, she didn’t even know why she had mentioned him.

“I don’t know what he was, I don’t remember he changed jobs so often.” She picked up the plates and started clearing everything away, hoping Matthew wouldn’t ask her anything else, but he wasn’t going to let the subject go so easily.

“Well don’t you remember just one of the jobs he did?”

“No,” she answered bluntly. Matthew decided to go for the big one.

“Why did you run away from him?” Toni looked at him as if the question was a betrayal of everything that had passed between them.

“I never said I ran away from anyone.”

“Well where is he then?” She stopped what she was doing.

“I’m tired, I’ll think I’ll have an early night,” she replied and with that she went into her room and closed the door.

  Toni lay on her bed, she could hear light rain falling on the roof, she looked around the room; it was already getting dark, all the shadows had faces, the same face, her father’s face. She had the feeling that she wasn’t going to sleep very well that night.

  At four o’clock she was still awake: she had dozed on and off and was mentally exhausted just from trying to sleep but however tired she felt, sleep wouldn’t come. It had stopped raining, at least she couldn’t hear it anymore, she could only hear what was inside her head. She got up and went outside onto the veranda; the air had changed, it was warmer, the sky was clear, the next day would be a glorious one, the stars twinkled, she got the impression that they were laughing. She sensed Matthew behind her.

“Fine pair of insomniacs we are; here I brought you a snack.” He placed two glasses of milk and some biscuits on the table. “It’s a wonderful night.” Toni didn’t answer, it was all too beautiful to be disturbed by words. After half an hour of meditating on the sea, watching the stars and contemplating the universe, Toni took the glasses and the plate of biscuits back to the kitchen, leaving Matthew to his thoughts. She woke up late the following morning with a heavy head, then she remembered spending half the night awake, and sitting on the veranda with Matthew. She walked into the lounge yawning.

“Come on sleepy, you need a good run to clear your head.”

“I don’t think so, it’s going to take me all morning to wake up.”

“Sorry, didn’t hear, go and get changed, I’ll wait for you by the shore.” Toni didn’t really feel like a run that morning but got changed just the same and joined Matthew.

“Do we really have to?”

“Just imagine you’ve stolen someone’s wallet and you’ve got to run like hell or they’ll drag you off to the police station.”

“Very funny. Come on then, let’s get it over with.” Toni found her stride almost at once, falling into a comfortable rhythm that Matthew struggled to keep up with. He was impressed by her speed and stamina, looking at her you wouldn’t have expected it at all. After thirty minutes of a good pace Toni saw that Matthew was slowing a bit.

“Have you had enough yet?” she asked Matthew and immediately quickened the pace.

“Hey hold up. I get the message. You’re younger than me, remember?”

“And your legs are longer. If you want to stop, we can stop, it’s all the same to me. I feel like I could go on forever.”

“Ok, you win, I concede,” he said, then threw himself on the sand. “Pick me up on your way back.”

“Have it your way.” Toni continued for another fifteen minutes then turned back. She found a large shell, big enough to hold a fair bit of water. She filled it up and silently approached Matthew who was lying down, hands behind his head, eyes closed, busy soaking up the sun. Without hesitation, she poured the water over his face; he immediately jumped up, spluttering and rubbing his eyes, Toni collapsed in a heap, unable to control her laughter, then she saw Matthew get his breath back and thought it better to run. Matthew went after her and dived at her legs bringing her down on the sand with a thud.

“Now you’re for it.”

“Wait, wait, I’m sure we can do a deal here, if you let me go I’ll cook you the best breakfast you’ve ever had.”

“Today and tomorrow, or you’re going in the water.”

“Ok, it’s a deal.” Matthew let her go and Toni sat up laughing.

“Well you’d better get moving if you’re going to cook breakfast or it’ll be lunchtime before we’re finished and Simon will be here.

“Simon?”

“Didn’t I tell you?”

“No.”

“Simon’s coming for the weekend, so you’d better get going. I want my breakfast on the table when I get back.”

“Aren’t you coming?”

“No, I think I’ll take it easy on the way back but you’d do well to hurry a bit.”

“I get the feeling I’m being conned.” She stood up and started the run back.

  Toni began cooking breakfast and set the table on the veranda. As she was preparing the coffee, she heard a car pull up outside and in walked Simon with a big smile on his face, carrying a small bag and his favourite toy, a camera.

“Well, well, well, what have we got here, something smells good. Put a couple of eggs on for me, I’m starving, been driving since dawn.”

“You’re early, you’re not due until lunchtime.”

“I heard you were cooking breakfast and couldn’t resist. Must say Matt’s got a good deal here. Where is he?”

“On his way back from a run, he’s a bit slow.”

“You’re looking a bit better than a week ago, looks like the sea air agrees with you.” Simon went outside to look for Matthew. “Hey kid! You need to set another place at the table if you want to eat with us.” A cushion flew through the door and caught Simon on the head before landing on the ground.

  Matthew appeared as a dot in the distance, Simon started to walk towards him and they met in the middle, clearly happy to see each other.

“Wasn’t expecting you ’til later.”

“Woke up early. So how’s things with you and the kid?”

“What can I say? She’s full of surprises.”

“Well it certainly surprised me to find her cooking breakfast; is it safe? She might send your house up in flames.”

“I know what you’re thinking but she’s different to how I first imagined her to be and more complicated. It’s not easy to understand, you have to spend time with her to see how she is. One thing’s sure though she’s not talking, as far as her past is concerned she’s a closed book. I can’t get much out of her although she has admitted to having a gap in her memory before the age of about seven.”

“I wonder you didn’t say anything on the phone.”

“You’re joking, she’s got ears as big as Bugs Bunny, she doesn’t miss a thing. I’ve already fallen in one big hole that was difficult to get out of. I’ll explain another time.” They were approaching the house.

  Toni had prepared everything perfectly and Matthew had to admit that she had surpassed herself.

“Well if that wasn’t the best breakfast I’ve ever had it came very close,” Matthew looked at Toni and smiled.

“It was certainly worth driving all this way for,” Simon agreed.

“Yeah well don’t get used to it.”

“The deal was today and tomorrow.” Matthew reminded her.

“But that was before Simon arrived; it’s double the work now.”

“A deal’s a deal,” he insisted. Toni got up and started to clear the plates. Matthew gave her a look, “Sit down and take it easy, I’ll clear up later.” She hesitated, then sat down again, looking at the dirty breakfast stuff. Matthew and Simon showed no sign of moving; everything had to be cleared away or she would get that feeling again. She stood up and tried again. “Toni, I said I’d do it after, relax.” Toni looked towards the horizon, she felt a knot in her stomach, she knew she was being obsessive but she couldn’t help herself, she couldn’t bear to see all the things just left on the table. She went and sat on the beach, trying to put it out of her mind, a few minutes later she heard the noise of plates being cleared up and immediately felt better.

  Matthew and Simon seemed to talk endlessly about work. Toni was happy to have some time to herself and went for a wander along the beach, every now and again she would pick up a shell or a pebble and throw it into the sea. The weather was unusually hot; she paddled in the shallow water feeling her feet sinking a little in the sand; the water was clear and sparkled in the sun.

  Meanwhile, noticing that Toni had gone for a walk, Matthew gave Simon an update. How he had slipped up on the first day, the nightmares, her tidying up, her reluctance to talk about herself, her playfulness and her sense of humour, trying to put into words a rather complicated Toni, a Toni he hadn’t expected.

“I’ve got a long way to go yet, she guards her secret well, too well, as soon as the conversation gets near to a bit of personal information she makes an excuse and vanishes into dust.”

“Well you knew it wouldn’t be easy, she’s not used to trusting people and let’s face it you’ve only known her about two weeks.”

“I’ve known her a lot longer than two weeks.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It seems a lifetime ago that we were all together, me, Abigail, Nicki and Timothy, we had some great holidays by the sea. I can’t forgive myself for what I did, you know she tried her best to comfort me after the accident, she’d come over, put her arm round me and tell me everything was ok. It was almost as if I were the child, even now I sometimes get the feeling that she’s older than me, but the point is she was a child, she was only seven. I turned her away, ignored the fact that she was suffering too. There were times when I just couldn’t stand the sight of her, she reminded me too much of Abe; she reminded me too much of my guilt. Do you know what I said to her that last night? I’ve never told anyone because I’m too ashamed. I screamed at her that it was all her fault, to get out of my sight, to leave me in peace and that’s exactly what she did. I put all the blame on her and then threw her out.” His voice was full of remorse, regret for all the years lost that they should have been together.

“It’s no good reliving it all again now, what’s important is to try and put right what you can.”

“But what if she never remembers? What if she does and hates me?”

“What can I say? It’s a rather delicate situation, and that kid is unpredictable.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Come on, lighten up a bit. What about a swim?”

  Just as they were walking down the beach they saw Toni coming towards them, they waited for her to come within shouting distance.

“Hey kid! Fancy a swim!” Simon yelled. She approached them slowly, wondering how she was going to get out of it.

“Maybe later.”

“No excuses accepted,” insisted Simon, “go and put on your swimming costume. I take it you brought one with you.” They had bought two when they had done their shopping before leaving, though Toni hadn’t understood why she had no intention of wearing one. Apart from her modesty, she had a rather noticeable scar on her back and she knew Matthew would want to know how she got it. It was the result of her first dealings with Leo and his boys. She broke the rules and she had paid for it, but whatever had happened to her, in the end they had left Billy alone and that was all that mattered, that her friend was given a chance. She had seen lives ruined before they had even got started: lives dragged into a world of drug addiction and desperation. Once you were there you were stuck, they made sure of it, there were few exits.

  Toni gave Simon one of her ‘you heard what I said’ looks. He knew it wasn’t worth insisting, he knew her well enough to know that it was no good trying to change her mind. Relieved, Toni sat down on the sand and watched them; she felt a bit down without knowing why. It was such a glorious day but something nagged her, something in her head that she couldn’t put her finger on. She watched Matthew swimming, his strong arms gliding through the water. There was something familiar, too familiar, about all this: Matthew’s voice, the way he was;  though they hadn’t known each other very long there was something between them but what it was she had no idea. She felt herself falling into a dark hole, full of sadness: someone or something was missing, someone else should have been there with them. She felt like crying, but she hadn’t cried for a long time and didn’t intend to start then. Suddenly the beach was too big, there was nowhere to hide; she felt the space pushing her from all sides, she tried to move but couldn’t. The sun beat down on her head, she was sweating, she felt vulnerable, exposed and naked, her throat tightened and she took short breaths. She closed her eyes and tried telling herself that everything was ok, she was with Matthew and Simon and there was no need to be afraid; she tried taking deep breaths but it didn’t help, something weighed down her shoulders and pushed on her chest. Just at that moment Matthew stopped swimming and looked towards the beach. Toni was a long way off but she seemed strange, something wasn’t right. He shouted at Simon then ran out of the sea towards her, by the time he reached her she had recovered slightly and her breathing was more regular but she was white and her eyes were glazed.

“Toni, what’s the matter?” Matthew had never seen her in this state, he picked her up and took her inside. Simon followed, fetching a blanket. Matthew put her down on the sofa and covered her up; a little colour returned to her face. “What happened?” he asked, taking her hand.

“Nothing, too much sun.”

“Too much sun? How can you say that, you live outside, or at least you did.” Toni sometimes exasperated Matthew, she never gave a straight answer. “For once tell me the truth, you won’t lose anything by being honest.”

“I don’t know what happened. I just felt like I was about to remember something but then I felt I was being swallowed by....by....” She knew what she was being swallowed by but she didn’t want to admit it to them. She didn’t want to admit that what she had felt was fear: an incredible sense of fear and panic in finding herself in a lonely world, alone with what she had in her head.

“Swallowed by what?” Matthew spoke softly.

“By.....solitude,” she said finally, searching for a suitable word; at least it was half the truth. She wanted to say more, she felt they deserved more, but she was afraid of saying too much. If they found out what she had done maybe they wouldn’t want to know her anymore, or they might try and find her father; there were too many risks. On the street, on her own, it had been easier, she had negated all her feelings, pushed them away and remained hardened to everything. She wondered if there was a limit to how much you could keep inside; her feelings seemed to be spilling over the top, she was too full.

“Why don’t you go and lie down for a bit,” suggested Simon.

“No, I’m all right.”

“Ok, I won’t insist.” He spoke with a smile in his voice. Toni looked at him; he had a twinkle in his eye. He went and dried off; a few minutes later he was back. “What about a board game, haven’t you got some stashed away, Matt?”

“Have a look in that cupboard over there.”

Simon pulled out three. Toni assured them that she had never played any of them but caught on quickly and was soon piling up the money in a game of Monopoly.

  The day passed, Toni was fed up with being inside and announced she was going for a walk. She was slightly nervous about the possibility of a repeat performance of the incident that morning, Simon seemed to tune in to how she was feeling.

“I’ll come with you, you stay and do dinner Matt, after the breakfast the kid prepared this morning and the lunch I did, I think we deserve a rest. Let’s go.”

  They wandered along the beach; the sun was lower in the sky and the days were becoming shorter as summer drew to an end and autumn began. Simon disappeared for a minute and reappeared with a ball under his arm.

“Come on, show me your soccer skills.” They prepared two goals. It was fun playing on the beach, every so often the ball would go into the water and there would be a major scrum between the two of them to retrieve it. Toni in some ways felt an affinity with Simon, he was younger than Matthew and less hung up about things; they laughed a lot. After a while, they plonked themselves down on the sand, both out of breath. The sun was setting and they both watched it disappear behind the sea in silence, Toni felt calm and at ease; she yawned.

“Tired?”

“Yeah I do feel a bit tired. I didn’t sleep well last night; me and Matthew ended up with milk and biscuits on the veranda at four this morning. He doesn’t sleep very well does he?” Toni paused and turned to look at Simon. “How did the accident happen when Matthew’s wife and son were killed?”

“You should ask him not me,” he said.

She ignored his reply. “Did it happen here, I mean in the city.”

“No, where he used to live, a small town called Hamilton, a long way from here.” Simon looked into her eyes for a flicker of recognition, there was none. “I’m not the one you should be talking to, I didn’t even know Matthew then.”

“What was your childhood like?”

“You ask a lot of questions for someone who doesn’t like answering them,” Simon said laughing. “If you must know, I had a bit of a hard time, some of it was my fault but not everything. I was a bit of a hard head like you, in and out of foster homes, just couldn’t get it together until I met a couple who knew how to handle me; they set me straight.”

“What about your parents?”

“Divorced. My mother couldn’t cope with me and my father wasn’t interested. It all seems a long time ago now. I put my mother through a lot but it all turned out all right in the end.”

“And your father?”

“We see each other every now and again.”

“So you didn’t have a very happy childhood then.”

“Well, let’s just say it was troubled.”

“What about Matthew, what are his parents like?”

“Ask him. Any other questions?”

She was wondering if his father had ever taken him to the cinema, if they had ever played ball together, if he had ever met him from school or given him a birthday present, but she said nothing. She yawned again.

“Well I think you’ll sleep well tonight. You’d better go and get a shower before dinner, might wake you up a bit.”

  Toni’s yawning continued all the way through dinner; she was exhausted and didn’t even make the effort to clear up the dishes. She announced she was going to bed; she slept all night, no nightmares, no tossing and turning and didn’t surface until seven the next morning. What a difference it made: everything seemed brighter, more alive; she felt more alive. She decided to go for a swim before the other two got up; she listened at Matthew’s door for signs that he was still there. She heard the usual sound of snoring: Simon was asleep on the sofa. She put her costume on, threw a T-shirt over the top and carrying a towel under her arm, ran to the water. She took off the T-shirt and raced into the sea, it was cold but it felt so refreshing; she swam around, diving under water, trying to lose herself in the sounds of the ocean. Occasionally she checked for signs of movement from the house. Half an hour had passed when Toni saw the door open; she got out of the water and threw the T-shirt over her head just as Simon arrived.

“Could’ve waited for me.”

“You were still asleep. The water was too inviting.”

“Do you know what I’ve been dying to do since I got here?” There was that twinkle in his eye again.

“Listen, don’t even think it, if you.....” Before she could finish Simon had already picked her up and entered the water; all Toni’s struggling did no good and she landed with a splash. She soon found her feet and waded out of the water. “If you think I’m doing your breakfast after that, you can think again.” She went to get changed.

  Toni threw the wet T-shirt over the back of a chair in her room, then realised she had left her towel on the beach and went to get another one from the bathroom. As she was looking in the cupboard Matthew walked past and glanced in; he stopped as he saw the scar on her shoulder. Toni sensed someone behind her and turned round, noticing the strange expression on his face.

“What’s the problem?”

“Where did you get that scar?”

“I had an accident.”

“That’s not true, is it?”

She felt a knot in her stomach and suddenly felt vulnerable standing there in only a swimming costume. She grabbed a towel and pushed past Matthew but he stopped her. She felt his hand on her arm. “Why won’t you tell me?”

“I just have.” She looked up at him and for a brief moment she felt she could have told him everything. Matthew saw her face soften for a second, then her expression changed; she pulled away from him and went into the bedroom. 

Matthew started cooking. Toni emerged just as Simon walked in.

“Hey kid, thought it was your turn to do breakfast.”

“Matthew got there first,” she said sitting down at the table, Simon joined her. Noticing her mood, he looked at Matthew, sensing tension in the air.

“Ok, what’ve I missed?” No one said anything, Matthew glanced at Toni. She avoided eye contact; the feeling in her stomach returned and she left the table.

“I’m going for a walk, give you a chance to talk about me.” She walked out onto the veranda then down to the sea. How she wished Matthew would just leave things alone: he was always digging at things she wanted to forget, his questions brought everything back. As she walked along the shore she remembered the night Leo and his boys had taken their revenge: the sharp pain when the knife had entered her back. She remembered how they had picked her up and dumped her in a corner, bleeding, all the fight beaten out of her. She sat down on the sand and watched the sea; it was a beautiful day but she suddenly felt ugly.

  Not long after, she heard someone behind her; she turned and saw Simon.

“Come on we’re off for a walk in the forest.”

Without saying anything she went back, put her shoes on and got into the car. They arrived after a fifteen-minute drive. It was a wonderful place: the trees were just beginning to change colour; there was a slight breeze that seemed to weave between the branches, making the leaves dance. Toni lent against a tree listening. Matthew opened the back of the car and looked at her.

“Are you hungry? You didn’t have any breakfast.”

“I don’t want anything.”

As she spoke he gave her a backpack. “Well there’s some food in there if you get hungry.” He threw one to Simon, then took the last for himself. “I’m sorry about before, I’m naturally curious about everything, suppose that’s why I’m a cop. I didn’t want to upset you.” He smiled and Toni let her eyes linger on his face; she smiled back, then turned and joined Simon, who was busy taking photographs.

  Toni immediately tried to lose herself in the colours, sounds and smells of the forest and empty her mind of the thoughts and memories she didn’t want; as she continued walking she felt her mood changing. She could hear Matthew and Simon behind her; gradually she quickened her pace, then, as soon as she was out of sight, dived into the undergrowth to hide. She let them walk past then followed unnoticed, waiting for them to discover that she had gone missing. When she started to hear worried voices she climbed a tree and waited for them to come looking for her then took her water bottle from her backpack and waited for her victims to return. Soon enough, peering through the leaves, she saw them retracing their steps. As they passed underneath the tree she emptied her bottle over them, then before they had a chance to react, jumped down and ran off laughing until she had reached a safe distance.

“Now we’re quits for the times you’ve both thrown me in the sea, ok?.”

“Well kid, I don’t know. It might cost you dinner tonight. What d’you think Matt?”

“I’m not cooking anything; I said we were quits.” 

“Ok, ok,” Matthew grinned as he spoke, “accepted, we’re even. I just hope you don’t get thirsty. Now come here and walk with us.”

She joined them. “Thought you’d disappeared for good.”

“We should be so lucky,” Simon said, pushing Toni playfully. The three friends laughed and joked as they walked; the day passed too quickly. When they got back to the car later on Toni voiced what they were all thinking.

“It’s a pity days like this have to end.”

  Dinner was prepared by all three and reduced to crumbs in no time at all. Toni sat back in her chair.

“I was starving.”

“We noticed. Come on, we’ll leave Matt the dishes, you need a walk.”

“I’ve eaten so much I don’t think I can move.”

Simon took her hand and dragged her outside, they walked along the beach.

“You like it here, don’t you?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“You seem a different person.”

“I wish I could bring my friend here.” There was a hint of sadness in her voice.

“No reason why not.”

They walked on, Toni wanted to say so much but the words wouldn’t come, for fear of saying things she might regret. It was starting to get chilly and Simon suggested going back.

  As they walked in Matthew was just finishing. “Well you two timed it just right.” Simon found a pack of cards in a drawer and suggested a game. Toni declined and went onto the veranda. She felt the familiar tired feeling: that weariness of having to keep everything to herself, the secrets that dulled her life, that made her so conscious of herself and what she said, that prevented her from being who she really was.

  Simon left the next day, just after lunch. Toni was sorry to see him go, not just because he was good company but also because it meant that soon they would have to leave too and returning to the city wasn’t an exciting prospect. That evening the atmosphere was rather solemn, just the two of them. Toni hadn’t worked out Matthew; despite what he had said earlier in the week, she still didn’t understand why he felt so responsible for her.

  The weather turned colder. Toni went running every morning accompanied by Matthew; she felt calmer, more relaxed and time passed without incident. She tried not to think about the hows and whys and just accept that she was enjoying herself, even though there was a part of her that knew it wouldn’t last.

  Friday afternoon they started to pack what they could and generally tidied up, neither wanted to go back. Their last evening was spent sitting on the sand, watching and listening to the sea.

“I’ve had a wonderful time; I had no idea that all this stuff existed.”

“You mean the sea, the hills and the forest?” Matthew was a little puzzled.

“No, well not really, they’re a part of it. I mean how all this makes you feel: that sensation you get when you see something beautiful, a view, a storm, a sunset, it sort of makes you feel bigger, your heart feels fuller.” As Matthew looked at Toni he understood that the person he had in front of him was special, she meant so much to him, he wished he could tell her. Toni turned towards him and saw him looking at her how she had always wished her father had.

"High mountains are a feeling, but the hum
Of human cities torture."

George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

“I don’t want to go back,” Toni said, staring out of the window; the countryside was passing by too quickly.

“Unfortunately we don’t have a choice.”

“Can’t we just turn round and stay for a few more days?”

“I have to go to work.”

“You can leave me on my own.”

“On your own, you’re joking. God knows what you’ll get up to.”

“But I don’t want to go back.”

“That’s what you said before and I said we don’t have a choice.”

  Toni had a feeling of dread, that something was going to happen if she returned to the city. She had the feeling that it was destiny dragging her back and her first reaction when she had this feeling was to run in the opposite direction. She said no more, she knew Matthew wouldn’t change his mind, the only other choice was to go it alone and leave him but she didn’t really consider it an option. In this short space of time she had started to see them as an item: as Matthew and Toni; what one did the other did. She wondered if he felt the same way.

  The return journey seemed quicker, probably because she wanted it to go on forever. Before long she could see the silhouette of the buildings against the horizon; the sea had disappeared long ago, hidden behind the hills, now there was more countryside behind them than in front. She was about to enter the same world that she had entered four years ago but this time it was different, she was different. Then, she had welcomed all the stark, concrete buildings, dim corners and places to hide, now she was starting to feel threatened by the city, almost as if it were hiding something from her. Her thoughts weighed her down and she felt a dark wave engulf her; she had to rid herself of this black mood, but in the city there was nowhere to scream and nothing to take away her melancholy; nothing to take away her anger. They were soon swallowed by the buildings that towered above them. Matthew felt a strange churning in his stomach; he, like Toni, would have preferred to stay at the beach.

“This feels like the first day of school after the holidays, doesn’t it?”

Toni knew exactly what he meant—her education had been erratic, forever changing schools and she remembered that first day feeling all too well. Driving through the streets on the way home Toni watched the different faces, every now and again seeing someone familiar.

She wondered how Billy was and decided that as soon as she got an opportunity she would go and find him. She wondered what was new on the street; she felt as if she had lost touch completely. In the confusion of the city the sea seemed so faraway and she tried to imagine the sound of the waves lapping the shore but in the middle of the cars, angry drivers and all the mess, it was almost impossible. The two worlds were too different: one was calm, simple and untroubled and the other was noisy, complicated and demanding. In the city she felt anxious, closed and nervous, by the sea she had felt relaxed, more open, and she had enjoyed having Matthew to herself.

  When they arrived at Matthew’s everything seemed dull. Toni hadn’t realised how much she had actually enjoyed the two weeks; the only thing that cheered her up was the thought of seeing Billy. Now she understood how empty her life had been, not only on the street, but also with her father. Empty of affection, of richness, of satisfaction: the sort of satisfaction that she had felt after the bike ride, after seeing the beautiful view from what had seemed like the top of the world. So what was she going to do now? She was in a kind of limbo land: stuck in between two worlds, a world where there was only survival and another where survival was taken for granted, leaving time for so much more.

“Come on, stop dreaming, help me unpack the bags, stick the dirty stuff by the washing machine. I’ll show you how to use it later so you can make yourself useful. I can’t afford a housekeeper.”

“So that’s the bottom line is it? Now you’ve sweetened me up with a holiday you’re going to use me as cheap labour.”

“Not a bad idea. Listen, we’ll get tidied up here then we’ll go out for something to eat. What do you think if I invite Simon as well, he always brightens things up a bit, and by the look on your face you need cheering up.”

“It’s all the same to me,” Toni replied, although it wasn’t. She liked Simon: he was less serious than Matthew and always seemed to bring out the best in her, he didn’t ask awkward questions or look at her strangely. As much as she was becoming fond of Matthew she was wary of him; she had the feeling that they had some unfinished business.

  So the day went on, bags got unpacked and clothes got washed. Later on Simon turned up, full of smiles as usual.

“So how was the second week kid?”

“Ok.”

“Matt didn’t wind you up too much I hope; he can be a bit heavy at times, means well though.”

Toni started to feel more light-hearted. Simon always had this effect on her. He was easy company and accepted her the way she was.

“Well, are we going out to eat or not? Come on Matt stop messing about. Let’s go.”

“All right, I’m coming.”

 Eating out....

  Sitting in a restaurant, even if it was only for a pizza, was certainly a novelty for Toni: in the last few years the nearest she had got to eating out was looking through windows as she was passing. Restaurants always had an air of comfort and warmth: when she was hungry the smell was difficult to ignore and when she was lonely the atmosphere was inviting. As she looked around she saw couples, families, young people, people talking, laughing, eating in silence; it seemed yet another world within another, an innocent harmless world. How many different worlds there were, how many different aspects of life; she wondered where she belonged.

“So tell me kid, what did you get up to after I left?” enquired Simon.

“Nothing.”

“You must have done something.”

“We did the sort of stuff you normally do by the sea.” Toni’s mind drifted back to the last five days, but before she could say anything her pizza arrived. She tucked in, pausing only to take a drink.

“Do you have to eat as if you haven’t eaten for a week?” Matthew was always a little perplexed by Toni’s eating habits.

“I wouldn’t want someone to take it away before I’ve finished.”

“But no one’s gonna take it anywhere. You don’t have to worry about food anymore, you’ll always have something to eat.”

“Always is a long time. How do you know what will happen in always?”

“I don’t but I can guess.”

“Well go on.”

“Go on what?”

“Guess. Tell me what’s going to happen to me in always. Tell me what you know and I don’t.”

Simon almost choked on his food, Matthew was so good at digging himself into holes with impossible exits with Toni. She was too clever for him, too astute, only he didn’t realise it. She could read situations like a book and was always one step ahead. Simon could see that she knew Matthew was hiding something from her and if she didn’t insist on finding out what it was, it was because it suited her not to.

“Well if you hang around with me you’ll always have food and when you’re older and find a job I’m sure you’ll be quite capable of feeding yourself.”

“And that’s always is it? Couldn’t you have invented me a more exciting future?”

“I’m afraid Matthew hasn’t got much imagination,” said Simon laughing. “How do you see your future then?”

“I’ve never thought about it.” Toni had never seriously thought about what her life might be like when she was older. She had played games with Billy, they had exchanged dreams but she had never really allowed herself the privilege of believing that her life might improve, that she might be free of her father, that she could finally start to live.

“Well think about it now,” Simon insisted.

Toni wanted to make the conversation lighter, she didn’t like talking seriously about herself, worried about where it might lead.

“I see myself one day looking through one of Matthew’s wardrobes for something, then suddenly falling through the back into another world, a mysterious world full of giants, witches, dwarves, kings and queens, a magical world called Narnia. It’s here I see my always, lost in a magical world of wonder and enchantment. I’ll live in a big oak tree as old as time and I’ll be able to fly high in the sky, soaring, dipping and diving like a bird. I’ll never be hungry as I’ll be surrounded by trees growing all kinds of food. There’ll be a waterfall with water crashing down into a deep pool surrounded by rocks where I can go swimming. It’ll be a place where good always wins over evil so there’ll be no fear, no one will ever be afraid.”

“Now that’s imagination Matt,” said Simon smiling at Toni. Matthew wondered at Toni’s little story of her always, an always lost in her imagination.

“And where is this Narnia?” Matthew asked.

“Don’t you read?” Toni asked him.

“Not the same books as you obviously. Do you know about this place called Narnia, Simon?”

“Yes I’ve heard of it; I vaguely remember reading something at school.”

“So tell us about this mysterious world Toni.” Matthew was curious.

“Narnia is protected by Aslan, but I can’t explain, Narnia you have to discover for yourself.”

“Now who’s Aslan?” asked Matthew puzzled.

 “A lion if I remember correctly,” Simon said. “He sang the world into existence. Is that right Toni?”

Toni recalled the first of The Chronicles of Narnia, The Magician’s Nephew, and remembered how Aslan had sung a beautiful song. It was one of her favourite parts, she liked the idea that a world could be created by a beautiful song. She began to think aloud, quoting from the book. There was feeling in her voice, it was gentle and soft. Matthew and Simon looked at her in amazement— she was fresh from the street, she was wild and tough, but there was more to her than was obvious.

“Sounds like you swallowed the book,” Simon finally said after a few moments silence.

“Well whoever sang our world into existence hit a few wrong notes,” commented Matthew. They were joking, but she couldn’t have been more serious.

“Aslan gave the creatures themselves, he gave them Narnia. What they did with it was up to them; what we’ve done to this world was up to us.”

“Well that shut us up Matt, we don’t stand a chance against her,” said Simon. He  was right, they didn’t. She was too earnest, too prepared, too passionate about the cause, too real.

“How many books are there in the series then?” Matthew looked at Simon.

“Ask Toni, she seems to be the expert.”

“Seven, together they’re called The Chronicles Of Narnia, the author’s C.S. Lewis.”

“And have you read them all?” Matthew asked turning to Toni.

“Yes.” Toni was enjoying their surprise, she knew she wasn’t living up to the image they had formed of her. She could sit and quote all day from any of the seven books, as she had often done at times when she had needed comfort or a friend or to lose herself. She had read them so many times that she knew them from cover to cover. Matthew wanted to know more.

“Which book was what you just said from?”

“The first one, The Magician’s Nephew, when Narnia was born.”

“What’s the second one?”

“The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.”

“That’s the one we bought right? The one where we go into your always through the back of one of my wardrobes.”

“Are you laughing at me?” Toni asked with a suspicious tone.

“No, I just didn’t realise you had all this inside your head. Well, go on.”

“Go on what?”

“What’s the third?”

“The Horse And His Boy.”

“And what happens?”

“A boy called Shasta runs away from a man he thinks is his father.”

“Why? Why did he run away?” As Matthew asked the question he looked intently at Toni.

“Because he is mistreated.”

  She realised that she could have been talking about her own life. Matthew was still looking at her, almost as if he knew. She started to feel uncomfortable.

“Listen, what’s the deal with all these questions, if you’re so interested go and read them yourself.” Toni said nothing more, letting the conversation go off in a different direction.

  They finished their meal and left, Toni wishing that she hadn’t opened her mouth quite so much about her passion for Narnia and Matthew and Simon impressed by the part of Toni they didn’t know existed.

   The next day was Sunday, Toni intended to go and find Billy; she got up early, before Matthew had surfaced. She was just about to leave when she thought it would be wise to write a note; she scribbled a few words: ‘Gone out, don’t know how long I’ll be.’

  It was strange to be right in the centre of things again, she remembered the image of the city silhouetted against the sky as she had been heading for the sea and now she was back. She still had that nagging feeling, not only that the streets were hiding something from her but also that her future depended on her being there. She tried not to think about it and concentrated on the present. ‘Now,’ she thought, ‘where’s Billy?’ She spent all morning wandering around, looking for him but he wasn’t in the usual places, she was just about to give up when she finally spotted him. She walked over somewhat relieved.

“Hi!” she said cheerfully. Billy turned round obviously happy to see Toni.

“How was the beach?”

“Great.” Toni looked at Billy, there was always a look of sadness in his eyes which troubled her.

“Toni I need some money, I tried robbing some lady before and nearly got caught, I’m not as quick as you and if I don’t take anything home tonight she’ll……”  Billy didn’t have to finish the sentence, Toni knew exactly what his mother would do. “She’s already used up all the money Social Services gave her; now she’s got nothing for drink and she’s desperate,” he said.

“Billy leave her, she only uses you. You’re better off without her, come with me.”

“You already know my answer. Are you going to help me or not?”

“You know I will, it’s just that I feel responsible for you.”

“Well you’re not. You’ve got your life and I’ve got mine, we have to live them as best we can.”

“Ok, you win. Let’s go and stalk our prey.”

They waited for a suitable victim. Toni only chose people who appeared as if they had a lot of money; she didn’t feel comfortable stealing from someone with little to live on. Her favourite victims were businessmen: they always looked so full of themselves, but they were also the most dangerous as they didn’t give up easily in a chase. This time she decided to go for a woman in an expensive coat who was looking in a shop window.

“If all goes well I’ll meet you in half an hour by the bridge.”

“Ok, good luck.”

The woman’s purse was sticking out of her pocket— she was an easy target. Toni was an expert, she managed to take it without her victim noticing and was off down the road before the woman had even realised what had happened. She met Billy a while later; they opened the purse and discovered that they had hit the jackpot.

“Don’t give her all the money at once, give her some today then wait until she gets desperate again. If you give her the whole lot she’ll blow it all. You’ll have to hide it somewhere at home where she won’t find it.”

She threw the purse in a corner, kept some cash for a bite to eat and then gave the rest to her friend. “Come on, are you hungry?”

  They had lunch in the park. Toni started to think about Matthew; she missed him: it was a strange feeling. They hung around for a couple of hours, then Toni announced that she should go.

“I remember it was always me who used to say that first, now you’ve got somewhere to go. What does it feel like?”

“Feels weird but I’m getting used to it, too used to it. I feel like I’m losing touch with the life I had before, I’ve only been away a short time but I feel different. It’s difficult to live in both worlds, one doesn’t approve of the other and I’m stuck in the middle. For us it’s a way of life to get what we need in whatever way we can, from shops, picking pockets, we do it out of necessity. For them it’s wrong, even sleeping rough is wrong, a kid like me on the street hits their conscience, but only when it suits them. It’s easy to understand the rules here; their world is more complicated and our world scorns their softness. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“Well no, not really, you read too many books in that library of yours.” He grabbed a handful of grass and threw it at her, that started a grass fight which finished when both of them fell over, rolling down a grassy slope, laughing.

“I’m off.” Toni looked at Billy and was about to say something else when he stopped her.

“Don’t say anything,” he warned her, “only, see ya.”

Toni smiled, but it was a sad smile. “See ya.”

  She arrived back at Matthew’s and knocked on the door. There was no answer, she tried again but there was obviously no one at home; it wasn’t a lock she could pick so she sat down with her back up against the wall and waited.

  Matthew had woken up to find Toni’s message on the table; he hadn’t been very happy that she had gone off on walkabout in the city, but consoled himself with the thought that at least she had written him a note. He hadn’t made any plans for that day and busied himself with his computer, lunchtime came and went and still no sign of Toni. Simon came round and they decided to go out.

“What if she comes back while we’re out?”

“Well she can wait, that kid is capable of looking after herself.”

“I’m not so sure, look what happened last time.”

“She came back in one piece though, didn’t she? Don’t forget she was living rough, she doesn’t have a sense of time, or a sense that she has to be somewhere at a certain time. She probably can’t even imagine that someone might be worried about her. You can’t always be one step behind her. You’re lucky she left you a note.”

“Suppose you’re right.”

They decided to go bowling and spent an enjoyable afternoon together, although Matthew consistently looked at his watch. He arrived home late afternoon. Seeing Toni sitting at the door he felt a surge of relief.

“Have you been waiting long?”

“Don’t know really, a fair bit I suppose.”

“Sorry, but Simon dragged me out bowling.”

“You don’t have to apologise, it doesn’t matter.”

Toni was used to passing time doing nothing and waiting didn’t bother her. They went in and Toni threw herself on the sofa.

“What have you been doing? You’re covered in grass.”

She looked down at her clothes: she had bits of grass stuck to her and grass stains on her jeans.

“I went to the park with a friend.”

“Looks like you brought half of it back with you.”

“Ha, ha.” She took her jacket off and threw it over the back of a chair, a few coins fell out one of the pockets onto the floor.

“Where did you get that money from? You didn’t have any when you went out this morning.”

“I found it.”

It was the lunch money, she had meant to give the change to Billy but she had forgotten. Matthew looked in the pockets of her jacket and pulled out two notes.

“What are you doing, going down my pockets? So what, I found some money, is that a crime?”

“No, but the crime is that you’re probably lying to me. Look me in the eye and tell me you found it.” Matthew knew she wasn’t telling the truth, he had always been able to tell just by looking into her eyes, usually so expressive, they clouded over if she was lying. “Toni don’t lie to me.”

“Then don’t ask me any questions.”

Matthew let it go, he didn’t feel like having a heated discussion with her, besides he had been thinking about something else: his return to work. What was he going to do with her? He couldn’t even begin to imagine what she would get up to if he left her to wander the streets all day; he didn’t expect her to stay at home yet he could hardly have her tag along at work. There was no way she would accept a babysitter, just the idea sounded ridiculous. It was a problem. He decided to make a proposal to her, hoping to appeal to her more responsible side. He was unsure how to approach the subject.

“You know tomorrow I go back to work. Well, what do you intend to do all day?”

“Don’t know.”

“I work long hours, I wouldn’t want you to...um...feel lonely.”

“Don’t worry I’ll survive.”

“It’s not that, it’s just.....” He searched for the right words.

“Why don’t you get to the point? You don’t want me to go hanging around the streets, admit it.”

“I don’t want you to end up getting into trouble.”

“Well you can’t expect me to stay here all day, I’d go mad, and don’t think you’re dragging me along with you; stuck in the middle of that place, full of your lot, is like hell itself.”

“Well what do you suggest?”

“I don’t suggest anything, I don’t even see a problem. I’ve been looking after myself for a long time, what makes you think I suddenly need a babysitter?”

“Because the kind of stuff you got up to doesn’t go down well here.”

“Here? Where? You mean your cosy little world. Well your cosy little world isn’t mine.”

“Look, I’ll make a deal with you, as long as you stay on the straight and narrow you’re free to come and go as you please. Here, catch,” he threw her a key. “However, as soon as you get in to any sort of trouble the table turns and I decide how and where you spend your time, so be aware that could include anything from passing time at the station to going to school.”

“School?!! There’s no way I’m going to school.”

“Well keep out of trouble then.”

“If you’re going to start giving orders why the hell should I stay here? Before I always did as I liked. Why don’t I just go back to my life as it was?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

This time Toni didn’t have an answer, only a feeling that she didn’t want to leave Matthew: he was becoming important to her and the thought worried her.