Realms of the Soul

♦

(The circle is complete when we stop seeing ourselves as victims, victims of another person, of a system, of a government, when we confront our fears and take responsibility for our lives. It is then that we find our power.)

Part Three

Completing the Circle

"If Winter comes can Spring be far behind?"

Shelley 'Ode to theWest Wind'

♦

“Words, so innocent and powerless…when standing in a dictionary, how potent for good or evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”

                                                        Nathaniel Hawthorne

  The car turned through a large gate, followed the drive and stopped outside a large modern house. Toni could hardly believe what was happening. Where was Matthew? Where was Simon? Where had her life gone? She followed her father inside, everything looked immaculate and untouched, more like a monument than a home. She wondered where all his money had come from.

  Richard Fielding called out a name, a door opened and a woman came into the hall. He made all the appropriate introductions. Toni was relieved that there was another person in the house, putting off the inevitable: being alone with her father. Helen turned to welcome her, her father stood behind the housekeeper, giving his daughter a smile. She went cold when she saw the familiar expression, the expression he always wore when he was anticipating something. Helen went back to her duties.

“Come on dear,” he said. The use of ‘dear’ made Toni cringe. “I’ll show you your room.” She followed him upstairs, he opened a door and showed her a large room then he opened another door and showed her the bathroom, her own bathroom, though she wasn’t very impressed. “Don’t suppose you’re used to such luxury.” Toni wasn’t used to it and didn’t want to get used to it: it was all too new and too tidy, there was no warmth, no character and no love; she already hated the whole house. He went over to the bed and removed the phone from the side table. “You won’t be needing this will you? I sleep in the next room, so if you get lonely at night you can always give me a knock,” he smiled. “Come with me I’ll show you the rest of the house.” Toni wasn’t really interested and knew he was only being civil to her because the housekeeper was around. All the rooms were the same: cold and ugly. They went outside, the garden was beautiful, though Toni wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it. Her father bent down next to her and spoke quietly. “No one can hear you scream here you know.” He straightened up and laughed as if he had made a joke. “Stay out here for a while and enjoy the sunshine and don’t think about going over the wall and running off, you should know by now that you can’t hide from me. I’ll be in my study.”

  Toni sat on a bench. The day had lost its joy, the sun its warmth, the promise and hope that spring always brought were fading fast. Toni stayed outside for several hours; time passed without her noticing, she felt numb. She wandered into the house and her father appeared as if out of nowhere.

“I sent Helen home early, I thought we could have a nice cosy dinner together, just like the old days.” If Toni was hungry before she certainly wasn’t now, her father had laid the table in the kitchen. She wondered what was coming next. “Sit down.” She sat without questioning him; he put her meal in front of her and sat down in front of his. “Why did you run away?” There it was, that question again, now what was she going to say. “Come on, I’m curious, don’t be shy.”

“I was unhappy.”

“That’s it, you were unhappy. So you think you have the right to be happy?” Toni stared at her dinner. “Answer me, do you think you have the right to be happy?”

“Yes.” Toni waited for his anger to descend on her. Instead he laughed, a laugh that reminded her of the nights she had spent listening to him and his drunken no-hoper friends from her bedroom.

“You’ll never be happy. I’ll make sure of that. You dared to run away, you left me all alone. I had nothing, no money, all my friends abandoned me; you left me all alone just like your mother did. You look just like her you know. I loved her, I gave her everything and then she left me, but you’re not going to follow the family tradition, you’re staying. What do you think you deserve as a punishment for abandoning your father?”

  Toni remained silent, his voice was bitter and accusing, he wanted revenge. She wondered what he would do to her. Suddenly his voice changed. “But I suppose it can wait, there’s no rush, we’ve got all the time in the world to come up with something suitable.” He was enjoying himself. “Just remember one thing, the punishment always fits the crime.” There was a brief silence. “Tell me Gillian, and your name is Gillian, not Toni or Nicki, or anything else. Gillian, the same name as my mother, don’t forget it. So what made you think you could hide from me?” Toni said nothing, not knowing if he expected an answer and not wanting to say the wrong thing. She thought about how she had hidden in the city, round corners, behind walls and in old buildings; she had hidden in books, lost in imaginary adventures. She had hidden at Matthew’s, allowing herself to believe that it could have gone on forever but her father had found her; the past had turned up again and thumped her right in the face. “Well?” He wanted an answer.

“I don’t know.....I......” He didn’t let her finish.

“You never thought I’d find you, did you? You left me grovelling for an existence, I had nothing and you left me, you left your own father. But look what I got for myself, all this and more.” He lifted his arms in the air indicating what he had around him. “Did a lot better than you by the looks of it. I’m married you know.”

“So where’s your wife?”

“She tried to leave me. Oh she wasn’t as quick as you, she didn’t know how to grab an opportunity when it arose. She threatened to withdraw her money from our account; she threatened me with too much and drove me mad. I’ll take you to see her soon. She got her punishment just like you’ll get yours, sooner or later. You’ll see, and it’ll be worth waiting for, believe me.” Toni felt empty, void of everything but fear and dread of what her future held. “You’re not eating, aren’t you hungry? Come on, eat up.” Toni did as she was told but each mouthful went down like a rock. The last mouthful dropped in her stomach, her plate was empty though how she didn’t know. She automatically started clearing up, her father disappeared and she breathed a sigh of relief. She worked quickly, eager to get everything done and go to her room, thinking that if she kept out of his way he might leave her alone. It took longer than she expected and just as she finished he walked in. “Glad to see you haven’t forgotten the good education I gave you,” he said, his tone sarcastic. He was standing opposite her, his presence was overbearing. She thought how cool he was; he had changed, the outburst of violence maybe wasn’t imminent after all. Just as she was thinking this, suddenly and without warning, he gave her a hard slap on the left cheek. She didn’t move, waiting for the rest; all the memories came flooding in her head of all the times she had been the victim of his big, clumsy hands, but instead of losing his temper he just smiled. “That was just to remind you who’s boss. Now go upstairs before I give you what you really deserve.”

  Toni went to her room, it wasn’t late; she was sweating and her heart felt as if it would pump itself out of her chest. She lay on her bed wondering what had gone wrong, in the space of a day her life had become the nightmare it once was. When she had the feeling that something terrible was about to happen she hadn’t imagined that it was this, that the city should suddenly spit out her father. She wondered how long he had been there amongst the dark buildings and office blocks; she felt betrayed. She thought of her options: running away, confessing everything to Matthew or staying put. Where could she run? Another city? To relive what she had already lived through? Only if she could find the courage to do it; she doubted it very much. The first time she had run out of instinct, without thinking, otherwise she would never have dared. The idea of confessing to anyone made her stomach turn over, that Matthew should find out what she had done. That left the last option, staying put, at least until she was old enough to leave of her own free will in about four years time; she doubted that after four years with her father she would have any free will left. She felt more alone than ever, alone with the secret in her head, the secret they shared together. She wondered how she had ended up in this mess and searched for the little spark of hope that had always been present deep down; she found nothing. When all hope was gone what did you do? She thought how desperate Billy’s mother must have been and she felt that she too had reached the bottom; there was no way out except one, but she didn’t have the courage even for that. Without warning her father walked in, she stood up. He dumped several bags of clothes on the bed.

“Put these away, I don’t want to see those things you’ve got on again.” He walked out, leaving the door open, Toni waited until he had returned downstairs then closed the door quietly. She put all the clothes away, hating them; she placed a pair of pyjamas on the bed knowing that sooner or later she would have to put them on. She didn’t want to take off the clothes Matthew had bought her; they still had the smell of his apartment clinging to them.

  Toni lay on the bed waiting for darkness to fall, knowing that she wouldn’t sleep. Night time came and she dozed on and off. Suddenly she heard her door click—every muscle tensed and her heart raced.

“Don’t pretend to be asleep,” his voice boomed in the stillness of the night. She opened her eyes and sat up. It was dark but she could see his eyes clearly, looking down at her in disgust. “What’s wrong with the pyjamas I bought you, don’t you like them or do you usually sleep in your clothes like some dirty tramp off the street?”

“I......I... guess I was tired and fell asleep suddenly.”

“Bull shit. Put them on. My housekeeper went to a lot of trouble to get you those clothes this afternoon, weren’t cheap either.” Toni hesitated. “Take those rags off. I suppose he bought them, that idiot cop.”

“They’re hardly rags. Have you forgotten how we used to dress?”

“Have you forgotten what a beating feels like?” He slapped her face and grabbed her by the collar. “Don’t think you’re safe just because things have changed, there’s nothing that can’t be arranged. Take off your clothes.” She stood up and started undressing, she kept her T-shirt on and started putting on the pyjamas over the top. “Take everything off,” he ordered, in a voice that could not be disobeyed.

“I get cold at night......I....”

“You heard what I said.” Toni stripped down to her underwear. “I said everything.” She stood before him naked and vulnerable. “Turn around, I want to have a good look at you.” She turned round. “Someone did a nice job on your back I see. Who did you wind up the wrong way?” he asked, smiling. “But then you have a habit of upsetting people. What’s that piece of junk on your wrist? Give it to me.” She took off the watch that Simon had given her; she never thought that a simple watch could mean so much. She passed it to him, he let it fall on the floor and then stood on it. “Pick it up and throw it in the bin.” She did as she was told. “I want to know if you’ve told anyone about your disreputable past and I want the truth.”

“No one knows anything.” She stood in front of him feeling dirty and used, she knew he was doing it on purpose, to remind her, to make her feel like she wasn’t worth anything; he was succeeding. “How could I ever tell anyone what you made me do.”

“Better for you,” he threw the pyjamas at her. “Here, cover up that skinny, adolescent body.” This time she was only too pleased to put them on and cover herself up. Her father laughed, then his voice became threatening. “As you can see things have changed a little now. I don’t want any trouble from you, do you understand? You wear the clothes I tell you, do as I say and keep that mouth of yours shut.” He picked up the clothes she had taken off. “There’s only one place for these. Remember what I said.” The door clicked shut and Toni sat down on the edge of the bed, her muscles tense, her chest tight from the usual fear that took over when he was around. She had been through it all for nothing: on the streets, the gangs, the cold, the hunger, the sorrow of losing Billy, of remembering who she was, of remembering the pain of losing her mother and brother —and for what? She thought about the joy she had felt: the joy of being with friends; of being with Matthew; the joy of being on a sandy beach; at the top of a hill; in a forest; on the back of Matthew’s bike. It was better not to know that life could be wonderful, that even she could be happy, that even she could feel the joy of being alive. Now it was all gone. She needed a reason to keep trying; she remembered a song she had listened to once in the library by All About Eve, Only One Reason. What would be her reason?

  Toni suddenly realised why she shouldn’t give up. She had touched the joy of life, that was what she had to keep alive within. When she was being engulfed by solitude or desperation this was what she had to remember. She had learnt how to swim in rough seas once, now she would have to do it again. She lay back on the bed and waited for the night to pass.

  The room started to get lighter, Toni had the same feeling from the day before, only worse, the same feeling of dread. She had let her father into her life again and not even put up a fight. She hated him with all her heart because she was afraid of him, because he made her feel weak, because he made her feel worthless, but mostly she hated him because he was her father and Matthew wasn’t.

  Toni got up when she heard the housekeeper arrive. She looked at the clothes she had put away the night before, she remembered how she had felt when Matthew had taken her home that very first time and she felt the same now. She wanted her clothes, she wanted Matthew, she wanted her life. Toni had a shower, got dressed and made the bed, leaving everything as she found it, knowing her father would be up soon to check. Sure enough she heard the sound of his footsteps, the bedroom door opened then clicked shut behind him.

“You haven’t forgotten anything, have you? Of our life together, our little routines. I want to hear about all the other things you’ve remembered as well, but not now, we’ve got to get that mop of yours cut. You have to start looking and acting like a politician’s daughter. I’m an important man now and I don’t want you destroying the image that I’ve worked so hard for. There’ll probably be one or two reporters hanging around for a few days until the novelty of the story wears off.”

“What story?”

“‘Politician’s Runaway Returns Home’ type of story. You’ve caused me a lot of bad publicity, now I’ve got to work twice as hard to turn it round to my advantage, so I’m warning you, don’t speak to anyone. If you so much as open your mouth........well I’m sure I don’t need to go into details.”

“Then why do we have to go anywhere?” She didn’t feel like trying to appear as if everything were normal.

“We have to face people, we have to show them that we have absolutely nothing to hide, that everything was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. So try and look happy.” He spoke softly but his voice was cruel and hard. “Oh and if that policeman friend of yours turns up today, and he probably will at some point, get rid of him. I don’t want him hanging around, or paying visits. If you don’t get rid of him, I will, permanently if it suits me. I can always arrange an accident; it’s amazing what some people will do if you pay them enough.” A buzzer sounded, there was someone at the front gate and he went downstairs. Toni stayed in her room until she heard her name called then went down to the kitchen where Helen had prepared breakfast. The housekeeper smiled at her and tried to get her to eat something. She heard voices from the study, the door was open, revealing the same driver of the day before and another man dressed in a dark grey suit. She wandered into the front garden hoping Matthew wouldn’t come; she wouldn’t know what to say, how to act; she had let him down and she didn’t want to face him.

  Her father, the driver and the third man came out of the house and she was told to get into the car, a different one from the day before, less conspicuous.

“This gentleman is my assistant, John, for the moment where you go he goes.” Toni took an instant dislike to him as she sat in the back sandwiched between the two men. As her father had predicted there were a few people waiting outside the front gate with cameras and microphones at the ready. Her father bent down to her. “Smile, or at least look happy.” She tried but it was asking the impossible. “Are they following?” he asked the driver.

“One or two, but we’ll lose them no problem.”

“Don’t worry. Let them follow us, if we don’t give them what they want we’ll never get any peace. Let them have their moment of glory.” They headed into what Toni had always considered the more elegant but false part of the city; she hadn’t gone there much for fear of standing out. The car stopped and they got out, her father told his driver to go then turned to his assistant. “Let’s give them their money’s worth.” The press didn’t take long to arrive on the scene. Toni felt lost in the confusion of questions being thrown at her, lost in the crowd that had gathered round. Her father held her hand tightly; he seemed at ease. She wondered that he didn’t mind his face as large as life on the front page of a newspaper, after all there must have been someone ready to grab the opportunity of making quick money by telling of his miserable past—unless of course they had more to lose. Maybe he had paid people off, or maybe no one recognised him, his appearance had certainly changed: he was good-looking in an evil sort of way. She remembered the last image she had of him the day she had run away: long greasy hair, unshaven and overweight. Now he was clean-cut, sun-tanned, fit and wore a big smile, must have had a tooth-job as well, he could have been a different person; unfortunately for Toni though, he wasn’t. She heard his voice, as he starting acting out yet another of his ‘happy father’ scenes. His voice droned on and on and he announced how he was going to donate a large sum of money to a children’s charity, he was so grateful that his daughter had returned to him safe and well. Toni could see that he had won over the reporters, they were all smiling. How easy it was for him, if she didn’t know him better she would have fallen for his smooth talk and big smile too. Her father made a request that he should now be left in peace to enjoy his daughter’s company and slowly the crowd got thinner and thinner, then it was just the three of them. Her father led her into a hairdressers.

“Tidy her up a bit and get rid of those curls that are always in her face.” He kissed her forehead and left her with John. No one said a word, Toni watched her hair falling onto the floor and her mind drifted back to when he had first cut her hair with a blunt pair of scissors. When the hairdresser had finished she didn’t recognise herself. As she looked in the mirror she couldn’t see the person she was before, she felt she was losing herself, he was trying to transform her into something she wasn’t. She longed to go somewhere familiar, to be with someone she trusted. John made some comment about how much more civilised she looked. Toni just scowled at him, he was just like the people her father used to hang around with, only dressed up in a suit. They took a taxi and headed back to the house. She wondered how well John knew her father, how much he knew about him, about her. John sat smirking at her, she didn’t like the look in his eyes; he was trying to intimidate her, but she said nothing and turned to look out of the window. She tried to find a glimpse of a life that was no longer hers, the places she had wandered around freely just two days ago, the people she had brushed shoulders with. She felt like a caged bird, controlled and manipulated, but worse than that was the fact that it was her own doing. Through her own weakness and her inability to confront him with the truth she was creating her own nightmare.

  The taxi took them up to the house, Toni entered and went into the kitchen to get a drink. Helen told her how nice she looked. Toni liked her and wondered what she was doing working for a man like her father, but then she had probably only seen one side of her father’s character. She heard voices coming from the study and decided to go into the garden but just as she was walking through the back door she heard her father call her name. She followed his voice into the study.

“Well let’s have a look at you then,” he said, faking the joviality in his voice. “There, you look less like a street urchin and more like my daughter. I bought you a coming home present. Come over here, near me.” He took out an expensive watch from a drawer and put it on her wrist. To Toni it felt more like a handcuff. “Your old one got broken, didn’t it? If you’re hungry go and ask Helen to make you a sandwich. I’m a bit busy at the moment, we’ll talk later.” She took that to mean she had his permission to go and went to find a quiet spot in the garden at the front. She sat down with her back up against a tree, closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in fantasy. She tried to conjure up images of Narnia and her imaginary friends but she just found emptiness. Her father had frozen her imagination and her life. Winter had arrived instead of spring but this time she didn’t know if she would get through. For the first time Toni had doubts, doubts about her ability to survive.

  Lunchtime came and went, it was late in the afternoon. Toni had stayed in the same position against the tree staring into space, as she stared through the trees she saw a movement, she looked harder and saw the main gates open, a familiar car came through and came up to the house. It was Matthew. She followed the car, resisting the temptation to run, the front door opened and her father appeared, filling the doorway. Matthew got out of the car and walked towards Toni. He saw her sadness, her solitude and her fear and she saw his sadness, his solitude and his desperation. She noticed her father’s expression, his eyes shining with the enjoyment of watching them.

“You’ve had your hair cut.” The sight of Toni without her curls was like a knife in his heart, the curls that he had loved and hated. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Toni remembered her father’s words, he had predicted that Matthew would come, he had also told her to get rid of him as quickly as possible. Matthew put his arm around her shoulder

“Come on, let’s walk a little.” They started walking away from the house. Toni was anxious that he leave but it didn’t seem as if he had the intention of going anywhere. “How are you really Toni?” It was good to hear her name.

“I told you, I’m fine.” Matthew gave her a look that said, ‘I know that’s not true.’

“No news?”

“No.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” She spoke without looking at him. Matthew could tell she wasn’t happy.

“Listen if he’s laid a finger on you I’ll..........”

“He’s done nothing.” Toni interrupted seeing he was getting angry.

“You’re lying, I know you’re lying. You’re unhappy, I can see it in your eyes, I’m going to find out what he’s got to hide.”

“Matthew please everything’s ok, you don’t have to worry.” She was thinking about the accident that her father had threatened. “It’s just that everything is so strange and I’m finding it difficult to adjust, everything happened so suddenly, just yesterday........” Her voice trailed off as she remembered the bus station; ‘yesterday’ had brought back all the memories of Billy. “It’s too much to take in at once,” she said.

“Yes it must be, you’re back with the person you ran away from.”

“I never said I ran away from him.”

“Come on, you ran away, at least you could admit that. All this is ridiculous, I know you’re hiding something and I know he’s hiding something. He’s got something on you, don’t deny it.” Toni could feel her father’s eyes piercing her back. “You want me to go, don’t you? You forget Toni I know you, you can’t hide anything from me.” They turned round and walked back to the car, Matthew bent down to kiss her, as he did he whispered in her ear. “Shout and I’m here kid.” He got into his car and drove off down the drive. Toni felt relieved that he had gone but also sad, as the car disappeared she wanted to run after it and jump in. Matthew could see her in the mirror looking lost and alone. He cursed under his breath, frustrated with his inability to do anything. She went back into the house, passing her father who was still standing at the door, arms folded, leaning against the doorpost. He said nothing, only smiled.

  Dinner was the usual affair although this time they weren’t alone. Toni finished and asked permission to leave the table, then went to her room. John was still around long after the housekeeper had left, she could hear voices up until late in the study. Toni went to bed wishing she could start her whole life again, somewhere new and create a whole new set of memories. She lay awake listening to the sounds of the night, her window was open and a light breeze came through, there was silence apart from the trees rustling. She remembered her walk in the forest with Matthew, how alive she had felt, how she had listened to the different sounds and heard their message. As she listened to the night she felt and heard nothing inside. She felt blocked up with emotions, it was almost as if she had gone deaf. She fell asleep.

  Toni slept, a disturbed sleep, tossing and turning, crying out, suddenly she woke up, she went cold as she saw a dark shadow standing at the end of her bed.

“Bad dream dear? You were crying out.” His voice was calm and unusually soft but it terrorised her. “I see you still have nightmares, but then you have a lot to dream about, don’t you?” Then he walked out and the door clicked shut.

  Another night passed slowly. In the morning, as Toni lay in bed, she heard a car outside, she looked through the window and much to her relief she saw her father being driven out of the front gate. She got up, dressed and headed for the kitchen, bumping into John, who had obviously been given orders to keep an eye on her. She ignored him and greeted Helen. After breakfast she helped clear away the breakfast things. With her father out of the house Toni felt better. John’s presence didn’t bother her, she considered him a bit of an idiot. Wherever she went he would pop up, in the garden, in the lounge, it was like a game, guessing where he would pop up next, though she soon got bored with his constant presence.

“Don’t you have anything to do?” she asked him.

“I’m doing it. I’m watching you.”

“I’m hardly going to get up to anything here, this place is like a prison. Can’t you just leave me in peace, go and learn how to tie shoe laces or something.”

“Don’t push your luck I’m used to kids like you.” Toni decided to try to lose him, it was quite amusing trying to lose someone in a house, it was difficult but not impossible. When she had left him heading in the direction of the entrance hall, she went quietly into the lounge where there was a large bookcase; she took a book and went out into the back garden. She found a suitable tree with lots of foliage for camouflage and near the edge of the garden so she could see if her father came home; she climbed up and sat among the branches reading. She smiled to herself when she thought of John looking for her everywhere.

  After several hours of sitting up the tree her muscles started to feel stiff. She glanced around to make sure there was no one to see where she came from, then jumped down and made her way back to the lounge to replace the book. She put on the TV and threw herself on the sofa, a few minutes passed then her babysitter poked his head around the door; he didn’t seem very happy. Toni looked up.

“Got a problem?”

“Where did you get to?”

“Around.”

“You wait until.........”

“Wait until what? Until my father gets home? You gonna tell him that you lost me, that you couldn’t even keep track of me in a house. What incompetence. You won’t tell him anything.”

“I wouldn’t make an enemy of me if I were you.”

“I’m trembling in my boots.”

“You little shit, you’re not so brave in front of your father. Why should I worry, you’ll get what’s coming to you; he’ll make sure of that.” She didn’t answer and turned up the TV.

  Toni had a constant gnawing feeling in her stomach that prevented her hunger. As it got later and later she got more and more nervous as she knew that soon her father would be home; she started to get fidgety. John was sitting opposite her reading a newspaper, after a while he folded the paper and left the room. The phone on the table next to the sofa started to ring, at first Toni ignored it but it seemed to go on forever and nobody answered it. Finally she picked it up, at the other end of the phone was Matthew’s voice.

“Matthew.”

“Hi. How’s things?”

“Ok I guess.”

“Where were you today? I came over this afternoon, they said you’d gone out.” Just as she was about to say that she hadn’t been anywhere she felt someone standing behind her, she turned round and saw her father looking down at her. He took the receiver and replaced it.

“I was only talking, I wasn’t.........”

“We’ll discuss it later,” he interrupted. The phone rang again, this time her father answered. Toni knew it was Matthew by the look on her father’s face. He made some excuse about why she couldn’t come to the phone; she heard Matthew’s voice but couldn’t understand what he was saying; he sounded angry. Then the line went dead. “Your policeman friend’s got a bit of a temper, hasn’t he?” Toni imagined Matthew. He would be fuming, he would have guessed that she was at home all afternoon. She wondered if she should phone him back; she heard the usual voices coming from the study and decided to chance it. She tried home, she imagined him sitting in an armchair reading the newspaper, listening to music or watching TV; the phone rang and Matthew answered.

“Matthew, it’s me, Toni. Sorry about before, I .....I .... was interrupted.”

“What’s going on? You were at home earlier. Why won’t he let me see or speak to you?”

She didn’t know what to say. “Matthew don’t be angry, it makes things worse.”

“Worse in what sense? What does he do to you?”

“Nothing. I mean it makes me feel worse.” There was a brief silence, then she continued.

“I have to go Matthew. Say hi to Simon.”

“Sure.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.” She put the phone down, she noticed that the voices in the study had stopped. She got up to get out of the way for a while, as she walked through the door to go upstairs she noticed her father sitting on a chair just outside the room.

“Who was on the phone?”

“No one.”

“You mean Matthew. Never gives up, does he? Or did you phone him?” He stood up. “Come on, let’s take a walk in the garden.” He put his arm round her shoulder like Matthew had done; at that moment Helen appeared and smiled at them both.

“Everything’s prepared as you asked Mr. Fielding. John left about five minutes ago and if you don’t mind I have a few things to do in the city this evening, so if you don’t need me anymore I’ll be off.”

“Sure, you can go, we’ll manage. Oh and take tomorrow off as well, we’re going to visit my wife so we’ll be eating out.”

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you. Have a nice evening.”

“Oh we will.”

  Suddenly and without warning she found herself alone with her father. He kept his arm around her shoulder; she hated physical contact with him. They walked round to the back of the house and along a footpath that went down through a rose garden to an orchard at the bottom.

“You haven’t been listening to me have you. Did I tell you to answer the phone? Did I give you permission to phone that cop? You haven’t understood anything have you?” Toni didn’t answer. She could feel herself getting angry, after little more than just two days with him he had reduced her to half the person that she was before. What would happen after two weeks, two months, two years? She felt her resistance being squeezed out. Twice he had come into her bedroom at night; seeing his dark shadow at the end of her bed brought back everything.

“I hate you.” The words fell from her mouth before she could stop them. She took his hand from her shoulder and let it fall.

“Hate is nearer to love than people realise. I’m glad you have the capacity to hate, like father like daughter.”

“I’m nothing like you.” She went for him, thumping and kicking for all she was worth but he grabbed her wrists and twisted her round, pulling her against him; she struggled to get free.

“You see you’re just like me.”

“I’m not like you, I’m not like you at all.”

“Ah but you are, you’re my daughter.” He put his head next to hers and spoke calmly but menacingly. “You may look like your mother but you’re just like me.” He pushed her to the ground. Tears of anger and frustration stained Toni’s cheeks. “Look at you, you’re pathetic, why don’t you just accept who you are and what you are. I can see you’ve got to relearn a few lessons. Stay here for a bit and think about it, I’ve got some work to do. I don’t want to see you or hear you for a few hours. We’ll eat at seven, Helen prepared something. Have I made myself clear?” Toni looked at the ground. “Well?” He started walking towards her. “Do I have to kick you like a dog to get an answer? I said, have I made myself clear?”

“Yes.” Her voice didn’t seem her own. She watched her father walk back to the house, wondering if she really was like him, that maybe what he had said was true and she was just refusing to see what she didn’t want to believe.

  The sky had threatened rain all day and finally down it came. Toni propped herself up against a tree and closed her eyes; she hoped the rain would wash away her doubts about herself. She remembered how she and Matthew had stood together in the rain screaming. She didn’t want to be like her father: cold, arrogant, full of hate. She lost herself in the pleasure of feeling the rain on her face. After some time she looked at her watch, it was half past six, she had forgotten what the time was and couldn’t believe how long she had been sitting there. She wondered how she was going to have everything ready by seven and arrive at the table looking decent. She ran up the path and into the kitchen, luckily Helen had left something that just had to be thrown in the oven. She set the table in record time, then there was only herself to sort out. She didn’t want to upset her father anymore that day; she just wanted to be left in peace. She ran up the stairs just as he came out of the study, threw on some dry clothes and went back to the kitchen. As she went through the door her father was already there waiting, before she had a chance to do anything she felt his hand across her cheek, it stung but she said nothing, looking at the floor, her stomach churning, her chest tight.

“Sit down.” He had already placed their dinner on the table, she sat and looked at it; she hadn’t eaten all day but she still wasn’t hungry. He sat opposite her; she looked at him, hating everything she saw. “Don’t look at me like that, you deserve more than the odd slap every now and again, but we don’t want to give you any nasty bruises now do we, what would people say? We move in different circles now, it’s not like the old days, no one took any notice of a bruise or two on a scrawny kid in those cheap, dirty places we used to live, everyone minded their own business. Believe me I’d love to give you what you used to get but the newspapers would destroy me. Talking of newspapers, you cost me a lot of money today and I don’t like wasting my money. Why aren’t you eating?” Toni picked up her fork and started putting food in her mouth. She felt tired and weary, her emotions drained all her energy: she was always anxious, always nervous, always afraid. “Be ready early in the morning, we’re going to visit my wife. I want to show you what happens when someone upsets me. And make sure you look nice, I don’t want you looking like you’ve just been dragged in off the street. Oh and one more thing, talking of the street, you could’ve picked up all sorts of nasty things. I’m taking you for a blood test tomorrow. I hardly dare to imagine the places you’ve been and the people you’ve been with. I don’t want you giving me any of your diseases.”

“If I picked up anything it was when I was with you.” Her father stopped eating. His chair scraped along the floor as he got up; he walked round behind Toni and stood there in silence. She could feel him looking down at her; she froze. He ran his fingers through her hair then grabbed a handful and pulled her head back. He bent down and put his head close to hers.

“I didn’t ask for a comment from you. You’re nothing more than a cheap, dirty slut, don’t forget it; you’ll never be anything in life; you’re a nothing in this world.” He let go of her hair and sat down to finish his dinner. The rest of the meal passed in silence. After clearing up Toni spent the rest of the evening alone in her bedroom. She lay in bed wondering if her father would pay her another visit. She needn’t have worried, no one came into her bedroom and she slept without waking through pure exhaustion.

"The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness."  Edward Gibbon

  As Toni and her father headed away from the city Toni remembered the times she had used a similar road with Matthew; she wished they had continued on and on and never gone back. Yet a part of her had known this day would come, that she would meet her father again. They didn’t speak. Toni wondered where he was taking her. They left the main highway and drove down a road lined with trees; her father started talking about his wife.

“I met Isabel, my wife, one day when I was out looking for a way to make some money; she was sitting at a table drinking coffee, looking very lonely and very rich. I had the charm and she had the money, a perfect combination. Turns out she had no one, all alone in the world, all alone, just her and her money.” Toni could imagine the scene, he had found the perfect victim. “Well before long we were married with a joint bank account. You know you should learn from me how to get what you want in life, how to use people to your advantage.”

“I don’t need a lesson from you on how to destroy people’s lives.” Her father stopped the car and looked at her coldly, his eyes flashing with anger.

“So you think I destroyed your life, you haven’t seen anything yet. You need to learn some respect, we’ll see if you don’t learn some after today.” He started driving again, they went through some trees and stopped at a large gate, there her father got out of the car and announced his arrival. The gate opened and they continued along the drive, at the entrance Toni had noticed a large sign with Oak Manor written on it. She thought that it might be his wife’s house. The building in front of her eyes was enormous, she saw several people walking around accompanied by nurses—some kind of hospital? They drove slowly passed several of the walkers and it suddenly dawned on her what this place was: a mental institution. He had put his wife in a mental institution. She remembered his words; his wife had driven him mad, that the punishment fits the crime. He had put her in here and taken everything, all her money. She went cold, her father looked at her smiling. “She was the sweetest person in the world when I met her, then after a year of marriage she started to change. She tried to commit suicide you know; this is all for her own safety; she’s a danger to herself. She’s here indefinitely until the consultant thinks she’s capable of functioning normally in society and he’s a particular friend of mine. I’m sure I don’t need to explain further.” Toni remained silent, they drove round the back of the building and parked the car. As they walked towards the front entrance a man came out to meet them, greeting her father as if they were old friends. Toni was introduced. It was all very civilised she thought, so very civilised. They were shown to a large lounge and brought a drink; the consultant they had met previously came over.

“Would you like your wife brought down or do you want to go up to her room?”

“I think we’ll have a walk in the grounds it’s a lovely day.” It was true there wasn’t a cloud in sight but Toni hadn’t noticed.

  Fifteen minutes passed, the door opened and through it came a nurse pushing a wheelchair. Toni looked at the blonde lady in the wheelchair, for she was a lady: she looked kind and gentle, probably she had been the sweetest person in the world before marrying her father. As she was wheeled nearer their table, Toni looked in her eyes; they were empty, deep pools of nothingness. She remembered the photo on her father’s desk; she had looked so happy and full of life, only to be reduced to this. Richard Fielding thanked the nurse and took his position behind the wheelchair.

“Come on, let’s go for a stroll dear.” Toni was unsure if the ‘dear’ was directed at her or Isabel. She got up and followed them outside.

“Can’t she walk?” Toni asked her father.

“She’s lost the desire to do anything.”

Toni couldn’t believe what she was seeing, the lady in the wheelchair had lost all will to live, she was totally absent from life, without even the will to get up and walk. As they put more distance between them and anyone that might have heard, her father stopped acting. “Look at her, look at her long and hard, do you want to end up like that? Do as I tell you, look at her.” Toni looked at Isabel, feeling incredible sorry for all she had been through, whatever it was. “Now answer my question, do you want to end up like her? I can break you, I can destroy you just like I destroyed her, I’m giving you a choice, something she never had. You already know the rules, god knows I’ve beaten them into you so many times in the past. The choice is yours.” She wondered how he could be so cruel, he was her father, didn’t that count for anything. She looked at him.

“I hate you.”

“That’s what you said yesterday, can’t you think of anything more original to say,” he paused. “It’s up to you, it’ll be fun watching you squirm.”

“You’ll never break me.”

“Oh you’re so brave here among all these people, I want to hear the same words from your mouth when we’re alone together at night in your bedroom. When I remind you of all the things you did with my friends and complete strangers, of all the times you begged me to stop hitting you, of all the times you said you were sorry for whatever you’d done. In those days you did as you were told and didn’t answer me back, you took what was coming to you, what you knew you deserved. You’ve learnt bad habits in the time we’ve been apart. You’ve got to unlearn them; you’ve got to relearn respect for your father. There’s the easy way or the hard way, for you that is. Take your choice.” She knew his methods, how much he could hurt and wondered how long she could survive with her mind intact. She needed help, she thought of Billy and remembered her dream; she had wanted to stay with him; she hadn’t wanted to come back; she tried to take courage from what he had said to her.

  They continued walking in silence, approaching the Manor after a circuit of the grounds. Toni felt a wave of hopelessness overcome her. She looked at the other patients and tried to imagine what it was like to be hidden away in this place indefinitely. Outside, an enormous garden with lawns, winding paths and beautiful flowers, and inside a sea of lost minds trying to find a path to follow, trying to find a way out of their nightmare. Or maybe they were happy hidden away from the outside world, no longer having to face life, no longer having to fight life’s battles. Here everything was done for them, they didn’t have to think.

  How Toni longed for a smile from someone; to hear Matthew’s laughter, to hear her own laughter. She felt alone, her secret had placed her in a different world from the one she wanted and wondered if it were possible to die from loneliness. She knew she couldn’t continue having these thoughts, they would drive her crazy; she knew she would have to play his game, do as she was told, try to get everything right and take everything he threw at her without a word. She would have to do what she had done once before when she had run away, shutting out her unbearable feelings of guilt and shame. From that moment, in the grounds of Oak Manor, she shut down her emotions, her mind; she blocked all thoughts of old friends, happier times and prepared herself for a long winter.

  It was nearly lunchtime and Isabel was wheeled off after her husband had faked a fond farewell. The consultant offered them lunch but her father made some excuse that he had already made arrangements. Toni was relieved, she didn’t want to stay there another minute; she had a terrible feeling that she and her father’s wife could end up sharing the same destiny.

  Just down the road they came to a rather luxurious hotel, just before they arrived her father turned to her.

“We’re having lunch with a friend of mine; don’t speak until you’re spoken to and if you are required to say anything don’t say anything stupid.” Toni had never seen such a place and never wanted to again: she hated all the falseness, the false politeness, she preferred the cheerful smile of the man with the hot dog stand. Lunch went on forever, the conversation revolved around politics. The food seemed more like an art presentation than a meal. Toni said yes and no in the right places and tried to eat the inedible offerings that were put in front of her. Then finally lunch was over and it was time to go.

  They drove back in silence. Toni continually tried to put all thoughts of Matthew and Simon, of Billy and all her memories of a different life, in a remote corner of her mind. As they entered the outskirts of the city her father headed in a direction she had never been, an area she didn’t know existed. The houses were large, the lawns green and the tree-lined roads were wide. They drove up yet another long drive, she wondered where he was taking her this time, then she saw yet another big sign, on it was written ‘St. Michael’s School’.

“I want to have a look at this school, I don’t care if they don’t teach you anything, you’re a lost cause as far as I’m concerned but you’ve got to be seen going to the right place.” She was just about to voice her disapproval, the thought of school brought back all the memories of her previous experiences, but she caught her father’s expression and kept quiet.

  Toni looked around, they walked up to the main entrance, a man came out to meet them treating her father as if he were someone special, someone important; she could see how he enjoyed every minute of it. She remembered how people used to treat him: like a piece of dirt, like a nobody. She remembered the landlord when he used to come and collect his money and the words he used as he banged on the door. They went into an office and started talking about Toni’s education, (or rather lack of it), she switched off and let the voices drone on in the background. After several minutes of conversation, the secretary popped her head round the door and asked Toni to go with her. At first she didn’t answer; often she forgot that she had another name.

“Go on dear,” her father said, “don’t be shy, go and do the test.” She looked blank. “The test, haven’t you been listening, the test to see what you know or don’t know, as the case may be.” She got up and followed the secretary into an empty classroom, feeling that her life had been taken over. She sat down at a desk, the secretary gave her a pen and the question paper and told her she had an hour to complete it. Toni felt shell-shocked. She sat with the pen in her hand staring at the front page,. The secretary had already written her name on it: Gillian Fielding, her father’s name for her, not the name she wanted; it bore no relation to who she really was. She looked briefly at the paper thinking that she wouldn’t be able to answer anything, it would be just like it used to be and she would feel ignorant and stupid. As she read through the questions she slowly began to realise that it was quite easy, the only difficulty she saw were the more complicated maths problems. She was just about to get working on the test with a new sense of confidence that she had never felt anywhere near a school when she suddenly had second thoughts. Her father expected her to be stupid, maybe they all did, maybe she shouldn’t disillusion them, if her father thought for one minute that she had half a brain he would feel threatened, it might make things worse. So she faked the test, every now and again writing an answer not totally right, not totally wrong, just to show that she knew something. Her style of writing was at least the level she required, even though she had read hundreds of books she had never written much. As she was doing the test a bell rang. She looked out of the window; after a few minutes a wave of well-dressed, well-groomed students came out. Toni looked at them and thought how she would have felt more at ease in one of the inner-city schools. A few looked in and sniggered, the same sniggers she had been subjected to years ago; word soon got around she thought. She supposed now she was the daughter of an important person instead of a drunken no-hoper and it seemed that everyone was interested. The secretary came in and took the paper.

“Come with me.” She told Toni to sit down outside the Director’s office where she could still hear her father’s voice. She wondered what they could find to talk about for so long; the secretary entered with the paper and then left, leaving her alone. The voices continued, she guessed by now they must be talking about her. Another long conversation then the door opened and they came out, smiling at each other and shaking hands. The Director looked at Toni and welcomed her to the school; she faked a smile feeling her father’s eyes upon her. As they walked back to the car a few students were milling around, looking in their direction; her father put his arm around her.

“One more stop then we can go home.” As her father had promised the day before, he took her to a clinic for a blood test, it was all over very quickly and soon they were driving in the direction of her father’s house. Toni wondered about the outcome of both tests but dared not ask anything. The Director had welcomed her to the school so if nothing else she knew where she would soon be spending the majority of her time. Her father said nothing, when they arrived home he disappeared into his study without a word, giving her a look of disgust.

  The house was silent, too silent. Toni wandered around the garden to kill time, getting to know each path, each bush, each tree; she followed the wall round the grounds until she reached her starting point. She wandered up one of the paths; her father was sitting outside smoking and drinking a beer; she turned to walk in the other direction.

“Hey Gillian, come here and sit with your father. She turned round thinking how he had the knack of turning up everywhere. She sat down. “Well, what do you think?”

“About what?”

She felt nervous, wondering where the line of conversation was going.

“About all this, about what I’ve done for myself. You see how people treat me now.”

“Things have certainly changed.”

“Not everything’s changed. You’re still a big disappointment; you’re still as ignorant as before. That test you did was an embarrassment. How old are you now?”

“Fourteen.”

“And do you know what level they let you enter that school? You’ll be with the twelve-year-olds and even that’s too high but they insisted that the age difference of the year below would’ve been too big. They said it all depends on how you do from now up until the summer. You start on Monday.”

“Why don’t you save your money I’m not interested in school.”

“I’ll decide how I spend my money, I told you we have to be seen doing the right thing.”

“What about the other test?”

“You mean the blood test? So you’re worried are you? That takes more time but I doubt if I’ll tell you the results. Let you sweat it out.”

Toni didn’t answer but she knew that if they did find something he’d probably lose her in some out-of-the-way hospital. So either way she’d find out. She glanced at her father, trying to work him out. Theirs was a strange relationship: they knew things about each other that no one else knew, at least in this new life, and that knowledge bonded them together somehow. Toni knew her place, she knew he was in control, he had brainwashed her into thinking she was weak and had to accept her position; she did just that. If Matthew had even taken her near a school she would have dug in her heels right outside the front gate, but with her father it was different, she gave him control over her by fearing him.

  Toni remained seated; her father sat staring into space. She wanted to ask him why he hated her, why he treated her like he did, why he had made her do things which he knew were wrong, why he didn’t love her like a father should. He caught her looking at him.

“Did you want to say something?”

She lowered her gaze. “No.”

“You’re not very talkative this evening, are you?” He smiled. “So today wasn’t a waste of time, you did learn something from it.” The phone rang, he answered it, and immediately held it out to her.

“It’s your friend.”

Toni knew that if she heard Matthew’s voice it would start her off again, she had to stay cold and detached, unmoved. “I don’t want to speak to him.” The unwanted words fell from her lips. Her father’s smile turned into a grin as he put the receiver once more to his ear.

“I think you heard what she said.” Matthew insisted that he pass the phone to Toni again. Fielding gave her the phone. This time she took it, looking at her father; his eyes shone with victory.

“I don’t feel like talking, please leave me alone,” she put the phone down.

“Now that wasn’t too difficult was it?”

Toni swallowed everything, sending all her unresolved emotions down to the part of her that was closed, but she knew Matthew wouldn’t let it rest there. He had searched the city streets for her when he didn’t even know who she was, she knew he wouldn’t give up.

  Toni was right, Matthew had no intention of giving up. He still couldn’t believe what had happened, that she was gone again. His apartment felt empty without her sprawled on the sofa, he had even found himself tidying up. He sat in his armchair thinking about her. He couldn’t go through it a second time, he knew she didn’t want to be in that house, he knew that something was wrong and he felt powerless. The words she had said to him on the phone echoed in his head, the dull tone of her voice; he could feel himself getting angry. He went over to the bottle of whisky on the table and picked it up, looking at the golden brown liquid. He remembered all the nights he had lost himself inside similar bottles; he launched it against the wall, grabbed his jacket and slammed the front door as he left.

  Matthew was furious, he had spent all his time since Toni had left investigating Richard Fielding, but he hadn’t found a scrap of anything that he could use against him. He knew there was something, and wondered, like Toni, how many people he had paid off on his journey to where he was now. Two days of continual investigation, through hundreds of computer files, phone calls, he had used every resource possible and he had found nothing but a mentally unstable wife, who he intended to pay a visit as soon as he could. He knew it was still early days but something told him that whatever Fielding had to hide was a well-kept secret.

  Just as Toni expected, Matthew arrived at the front gate. She heard the buzzer then the sound of his motorbike coming up the drive; she didn’t want to see him but her father called her from the front door. Matthew got off his bike, taking another helmet from the back.

“Come with me Toni, we’ll find a way out of this mess. All you have to do is get on the back and you’ll be out of here forever, trust me.” He held out her helmet, the one that had belonged to her mother. She stood looking at him; he was everything to her, more than everything; she heard her father’s laughter in her head and felt his eyes stabbing her back. She closed her eyes to Matthew, the part of her eyes through which the soul was visible, she closed herself to him.

“I want to stay here, I don’t want to come with you. I told you on the phone, leave me alone.” Matthew watched her, trying to read something in her eyes but saw nothing. He turned to look at Richard Fielding, who was leaning against the wall still smiling his victory smile.

“It doesn’t finish here, you’re not doing this to me again.” Matthew glanced at Toni; she saw in his face all the pain that she felt, she couldn’t bear any more and walked into the house. She stood just inside the door, listening as his motorbike sped off down the drive, hanging on to the very last as the sound disappeared into the distance.

  Matthew wanted to run away, to run with his Toni, the mellow sounds of The Lighthouse Family played in his mind. Run, it was the only solution

  Matthew rode around on his bike well into the night, out of the city, through countryside, forest, and hills, then back through Toni’s streets and alleyways, losing himself within the mass of grey buildings. He stopped outside his friend’s apartment block; he needed someone to talk to.

Simon appeared at the door rubbing his eyes.

“What’s up?”

“Everything.”

“Yes I know that but what’s up that’s new?”

Matthew walked in and threw his helmet on the sofa, he was still angry.

“She told me to leave her alone. That bastard is frightening her to death. He stood at the door smiling that infuriating smile of his.”

“Calm down, it’s the middle of the night, I’ve just woken up. I don’t follow.”

“I went there to get her out but she wouldn’t come.”

“But you know it wouldn’t have worked, he’s her father. Dammit Matthew, unless you can prove he’s an unfit parent, you’ve got no hope of convincing a judge that she’s better off with you.”

“I didn’t intend to make an appeal for custody.” Simon looked at him.

“You didn’t intend to join Toni on one of her famous disappearing acts, did you?”

“It was a solution.”

“Sure, running away from the same man that she did, spending the next few years hiding, constantly looking over your shoulder, just like she’s been doing.”

“She wouldn’t come with me anyway.”

“Where would you have gone if she had?”

“Somewhere, anywhere. You don’t understand. I don’t care about anything, my job, my life here. I’m worried about what’s going on in that house. She means so much to me, you don’t know how much. I’d give up everything to get her out of there, to get her away from him. I let her down once, I failed to protect her. If anything happens to her………..,” his voice trailed off.  

“Matt, don’t worry, it’ll be ok. You know running away isn’t a solution, all we can do is continue our investigations. Toni’s tough, she’s also intelligent, if she really wants out, she’ll get out.”

“I know what she is, but she’s also afraid and fear does strange things to people.”

“She’s a survivor, don’t forget that.”

“Simon I have to do something. You didn’t see her, she’s not the same person as a week ago; everything we’ve been through these past months, it’s all gone.”

“What do you mean ‘all gone’?”

“It’s not there, in her eyes.” Matthew sat down exhausted. “Well if running away isn’t a solution I could take him to court like you suggested and make an appeal for custody. After all, he did just go off with her when he found her by the railway. You could say he stole her from me.”

“I didn’t suggest anything. The fact is that you’re not Toni’s father and without her evidence, and we’re not sure she’s got any, we’ve got nothing on him. You’ve seen him: he oozes charm, always well-dressed and confident, he’s so persuasive, he could even make things difficult for you. You took in a teenage runaway and made no attempt to find her parents knowing she had a father somewhere; it wouldn’t look good. And you know what, he’d have Toni up on the stand describing her life with you in the six months after the accident. You’d both have to relive that last night; he’d make you out to be the monster and Toni your victim. It’d break the kid’s heart and yours too and all for the same end result, he’d get custody. I’m all for fighting but not useless battles. I don’t want to see my two best friends hurt for nothing.”

“But I just don’t know what to do, I’m lost without her.” Simon looked at his friend.

“I miss her too. I have to admit that I was becoming quite fond of her and now…well…life feels a bit empty without her hanging around but there’s nothing we can do now Matt. I’ve got to be at work early in the morning and I’m no good to anyone if I’m half-asleep. Maybe it’s better if you stay here, it’s late. You know where the blankets are. Sometimes, when you’re faced with an impossible situation that you can’t change, you can only trust and believe.” He went into his bedroom. Matthew spent the rest of the night on the sofa staring at the ceiling, wondering how he could get his Toni back.

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.” Oscar Wilde

  The weekend passed. Toni tried hard to get used to her new way of life, to push thoughts of Matthew to the back of her mind. Then Monday arrived, her first day of school after so long. She knew there would be sniggers, that she would be ridiculed; she didn’t care, she had turned off to everything.

  As she entered the classroom, it was obvious that everyone knew who she was and where she been the last four years. She was introduced to the class. As she looked around she felt apart, with nothing in common with the kids in front of her. They had lived different lives, they were living different lives, she didn’t know if they were lucky or not, she didn’t know them. She went and sat down at the only empty desk at the front of the class; she could hear the whispers coming from behind, then everything went quiet and the lesson started. During the morning she met several different teachers. At lunchtime she found a quiet, inconspicuous spot by a tree and spent her lunch break there. She thought how easy it would be to just go, to leave and run forever but something stopped her from seriously considering the option. The bell rang and she saw the other kids making their way to various places; she guessed she had to go back to her classroom. There was no one there; she looked out of the window and saw some students who looked vaguely familiar walking out towards what looked like athletic fields. She thought how the school had everything; it was incredible when she compared it to the schools she had attended before. She left the classroom and bumped into the literature teacher.

“I don’t know where I’m supposed to be. I was probably told but I don’t remember.”

“Don’t worry, there’s always a lot to remember on the first day.”

“I think I saw the rest of the class outside in sports gear.”

“Come with me I’ll show you the way to the changing rooms.” The teacher, Miss Taylor smiled at Toni, a warm friendly smile; it made her feel like she was someone worth smiling at. Once in the changing rooms Miss Taylor introduced her to the sports coach and left. He looked her up and down.

“Haven’t they given you your school kit yet?”

“No.”

He dug around in a cupboard for something for her to wear. “Here take these. Get changed and go with the others.”

  Everyone was dressed the same. To Toni it was yet another world and one she didn’t think she could get used to. She followed the last group then sat down on a bench and waited. There were several of her class obviously talking about her, giggling. The mouthy one, a boy, large for his age, made a comment that she ignored. He was starting to get on her nerves; he took advantage of his size in the way he treated the some of the others. Toni hated injustice, she couldn’t bear watching bullies in action. He started asking his friends about their mothers. Toni tried to work out the connection.

“Where’s your mother?” he asked her. She looked at him suddenly feeling herself getting angry but she didn’t answer. “She’s at The Manor, she’s at The Manor,” he said, and started acting as if he was crazy. Toni tried to ignore him, thinking how the truth always gets distorted once it’s turned into gossip; the other kids laughed. She thought about the object of their ridicule: her sweet face, a life that her father had ruined, then she snapped and went for the oversized, spoilt boy and floored him; she sat on top of him and pulled her fist back.

“Say another word and this goes in your face.”

She just wanted him to shut up, she didn’t want to hurt him and had no intention of hitting him; she knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of somebody’s fist. He probably knew no better and was only repeating what he had heard. The sports coach ran over and pulled her off; the boy was shaking.

“She went for me sir, she was going to thump me. She’s crazy just like her mother, it must run in the family.”

Toni remained calm. “Stop blabbing, I wasn’t going to do anything to you.”

“Shut up both of you. You go with the others and get the equipment.” He looked at the boy, who didn’t need to be told twice. “And you,” he said, turning to Toni, “I don’t care who your parents are or where they are, I’m not putting up with that kind of behaviour from anyone.”

“He needed a lesson on how to treat people. It’s better he learns now than in some years time from someone with a knife in their hand.”

He looked at her for a moment thinking that there was an element of truth in what she said. “Go and run round the track until I tell you to stop.” Toni hesitated. “Go!”

She ran off, breathing a sigh of relief, pleased to be away from the others, she wasn’t used to existing in a group, and she was starting to feel trapped.

  Toni ran round the track, after a day of listening absently to teachers and kids she found some peace. Their world seemed so innocent, so different from what she had known, after all the things she had seen. She ran without thinking, feeling her heart pumping in her chest as she got rid of all the frustration she had built up that day. She felt out of place in the school environment having to do what the teachers said, after years of surviving alone, it all felt alien, she felt as if she had gone back not forward. She found her rhythm, cut off from everything and flew round the track.

  The coach had totally forgotten about sending Toni off to cool down; he was involved in organising the others in various activities. As he was busy shouting at a group of long-jumpers he looked over to where Toni was running and suddenly remembered. He left everything in charge of his assistant and walked towards the track, watching her intently as she continued running effortless round the track. He saw how involved she was, totally focused, so focused in fact that she didn’t even see him. She did another circuit then noticed him standing just ahead of her; she stopped, slightly breathless.

“You run very well, have you trained before?”

“A type of training I suppose,” she answered, thinking of all the times she had run away from gang members, cops and angry people.

“How long have you been running?”

“Forever.” Toni replied and the coach looked at her strangely.

“Go and join the others.”

“Do I have to?” She looked across to where they were, feeling no desire to return to her class.

“Yes.”

Reluctantly she went back. No one spoke to her for the rest of the afternoon, and before she knew it she was sitting in the car with John driving home.

“How was your first day at school?” he said, smirking. Toni didn’t answer. They arrived home, she couldn’t see any evidence that her father was in and went to her room hoping he would come in late. Every teacher had given her something to do that evening; she put a pile of books on her desk then sat down and looked at the work they had told her to do. None of it was difficult but she knew she would have to mess up a bit to keep up the image of her ignorance and stupidity. There was a part of her though that wanted to prove that she wasn’t a complete idiot. She decided to do two versions of each task: a faked one that she would give to them as her version and another that she could be proud of, that she would keep hidden away.

  She had almost finished both versions when she heard heavy footsteps on the stairs; she threw the good copies in a drawer. The door opened and her father walked in as she was just finishing off the last faked task. He looked over her shoulder and snorted.

“They must have a laugh at you, the other kids and the teachers, too, if the truth were known. Is this the best you can do?” He picked up the sheet of paper then threw it back on the desk. It struck Toni that he was enjoying her situation, stuck in the middle of a class of twelve-year-olds, knowing that she didn’t fit in. “Dinner’s nearly ready, go and help Helen.”

She got up without a word and went downstairs. The housekeeper chatted to her as she helped organise the table. Helen served the meal then her father announced that she could go. “We’ll think about clearing up after won’t we dear?” Then once again it was just the two of them. Toni didn’t look at her father or say a word. As soon as he finished he disappeared into his study. She didn’t know what was worse, getting drawn into one of his insidious conversations which usually ended up with verbal abuse directed at her, or the stiff silence that had just passed, waiting for something that didn’t happen. She went through the usual tidying up routine, then went and sat in the garden to listen to the evening turning into night. There were none of the muffled sounds of the city: no shouts, no police sirens; it was so different.

  The next few weeks passed in very much the same way; as long as she kept quiet and out of her father’s way as much as possible he left her alone. He was so absorbed in his work that if she did nothing to upset his world he didn’t up upset hers. Their story of ‘Politician’s Runaway Returns Home’ gave way to other news stories and her life began to settle into a kind of rhythm. School was always the same; she couldn’t say she liked it but she didn’t hate it either. Every lunchtime she vented her frustrations running round and round the track, then in the evening she would spend her time doing her two sets of homework. Even the other kids stopped ridiculing her, as the novelty of her presence wore off. As the days passed without serious incident she almost began to imagine that really things weren’t quite so bad; if she hadn’t had a constant nagging feeling that a big part of something was missing, her life would have been bearable. Every so often an image of Matthew would drift into her head, or a memory of Billy or some other part of her life; the sound of a police siren would take her back to the old abandoned buildings in the city where she used to sleep. She always tried to push the bittersweet memories back to where they came from but something would always remain. Sometimes Matthew would come to school to see her, occasionally with Simon. He would always arrive at lunchtime as she was doing her usual run, sometimes she would be unaware of him, other times she would try to ignore him knowing that she couldn’t and in the end she would stop. They would talk about things in general, nothing serious or emotive. Toni wondered why her father had never said anything, he must have known, the school would have told him, she was sure.

  Summer arrived and school finished. Toni allowed herself to scrape through the end of year exams. Every teacher had given her work to do over the summer, she wasn’t sorry as she saw ahead of her a long summer of a big nothing. Her life had become empty, she couldn’t really see much sense in her existence. Her only goal was to avoid antagonising her father and sometimes it seemed that even he had forgotten her. Maybe it was enough that he thought she was under his control and she supposed she was. Apart from occasional verbal abuse, sarcastic comments and general disgust at her presence when no one was around, her life had acquired a certain calm. John followed her everywhere so that she was never free; her life had become, if nothing else, predictable.

  Toni’s birthday was in the summer, she hadn’t given it a thought until her father one day after dinner called her into his study.

“Sit down. So it’s your birthday tomorrow. How old will you be?”

“Fifteen.”

“Doesn’t time fly. I guess you’ll be expecting a present.”

“I don’t expect anything.”

“We could have a party. You could invite all your friends from school, but you haven’t got any, have you? We could always invite Matthew and, what’s the other one’s name……..Simon, to dinner. What do you think?”

She knew he was mocking her. “I don’t want to do anything.”

“But you really must celebrate the day you came into this world,” he paused, “and ruined mine.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Maybe one day I’ll sit down with you and tell you all about what you were like as a baby, but not now. I think we’ll have a nice cosy dinner for two in my favourite restaurant, just the two of us, father and daughter. So make sure you’re properly dressed when I come home tomorrow. I don’t want you showing me up. You can go.”

  She went outside, a night out with her father was not the way she would have liked to celebrate her birthday; she wondered if Matthew had remembered.

  The next morning Toni was reminded what day it was when Helen gave her a present.

“I wasn’t sure what to get you, I hope you like it.” It was a pen.

“It’s lovely, thank you.” She hadn’t expected anything and was really quite touched that Helen should bother to get her something. As usual she walked out into the garden, her father had already gone out so at least she would have a peaceful day, John was generally snooping around but she didn’t give him much thought. She heard a familiar sound in the distance and ran down the garden. She climbed up a tree, wriggled down a branch and then jumped over the wall to intercept the ‘sound’ as it approached the front gate. The motorbike slowed down and the rider took off his helmet.

“Oh so you do get let out then.”

“I was out for a walk,” Toni lied. She knew that if Matthew had rung at the gate John would never have let him in.

“Happy Birthday,” he said. Reaching behind him, he gave her a parcel. She tore off the paper. It was a book: Waterfalls of the World. “It reminded me of our walk. Remember?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Simon said,” he paused, “well, his exact words were, ‘that kid can have her present when she finally comes to her senses and comes back to where she belongs.’”

“He’s certainly got a way with words.”

“Jump on.” He passed her a helmet, Toni hesitated then thought, ‘what the hell,’ took the helmet and got on behind Matthew, holding him tight. If John had seen her go over the wall she didn’t care, whatever the consequences it would have been worth it.

  Matthew dropped her back at the pick-up point an hour later.

“It’s a pity we couldn’t have made it a bit longer, unfortunately duty calls.” Toni got off the bike and gave the helmet back to Matthew, he gave her the book. “Be seeing you then,” he said looking at her. “Enjoy the rest of your birthday.” Toni watched him go, then went back to the house the way she had come. Luckily, there were no consequences, she hid the present among her schoolbooks.

  The evening with her father went relatively smoothly. At the end of the meal he gave her a small box, inside was an expensive gold chain with the letter ‘G’ hanging from it. Toni was about to put it back when her father reached across the table and took the necklace from his daughter. He went round behind her and did up the clasp, then sat down and spoke softly.

“Now you won’t forget who you are, will you Gillian?”

  The first day of term came around but Toni experienced none of the usual first day feelings; she was relieved to have a few more distractions in her life. School continued in the same manner as it had finished at the beginning of the summer. Lunchtime runs and double sets of homework until one morning when, in a rush, Toni took the wrong set of homework, the good copy of three of her subjects and handed them in without checking the contents. The next day she was asked to stay behind at lunchtime by the literature teacher who immediately produced the piece of work from the day before, not only for her subject but also for the other two.

“How do you explain this almost perfect piece of work? And these other two?” She wasn’t angry she simply wanted an answer. Toni looked at her work in shock.

“I.......I.....,” she stuttered searching for a credible explanation, “I copied someone.”

“There’s no one in this class that could produce this.”

“I got someone in the upper classes to do it for me.”

“You’re not telling the truth. You wrote it, didn’t you? And these other two, you did them too.” Toni looked at her. Miss Taylor was a nice teacher and she didn’t want to lie to her.

“Ok, ok, you’re right I did them.”

“But they don’t even compare to the work you’ve done before. Why have you been hiding your ability?” There was a brief silence. “Why didn’t you want anyone to know what you’re capable of?”

“I gave people what they expected, nothing more.”

“But nobody had any expectations one way or the other.”

“That’s not true.”

“Well anyway, the Director wants to see you, he’s probably phoned your father.”

“Am I in trouble?” she asked. Miss Taylor smiled.

“No, I don’t think so. It’s just that you had us all fooled, and now they’ve got to decide what to do with you, you can’t stay in the class you are now. You’ll probably have to repeat that test you did, but properly this time, to the best of your ability.”

Despite what her teacher said Toni knew she was in trouble, her father wouldn’t be happy at all.

  Toni repeated her reasons for faking to the Director, he then sent her into an empty classroom to do the test again. This time she did it properly. Someone came to get her paper, then she was told to go and join the rest of her class, that she would be called later when her father arrived. Her heart sank and her stomach churned at the thought of her father finding out that she wasn’t as stupid as he thought, that all this time she had been faking everything. She joined her class in the gym and sat on a bench waiting to be told to join in a game of volleyball, she didn’t like team games and was quite happy to sit watching the others. She was seen and given a position; as she played she almost forgot the approaching meeting with her father in the Director’s office.

  The bell rang and it was the usual rush for the showers and the front gate. Toni didn’t rush anywhere, she always tried to avoid the showers if she could. She wondered where her father had got to and supposed she had to wait for him at the front entrance. She saw him getting out of his car. As he walked towards her she could see the anger in his eyes, he put his arm around her and they walked towards the Director’s office.

“They tell me you’re not as ignorant as we all thought,” he said softly in her ear. The secretary announced her father’s arrival. “Wait here.” He nodded towards a chair and Toni sat down, quite relieved not to have to bear witness to what they said about her. After a while she was called in, the Director was actually quite a jolly man and he smiled at her.

“Don’t look so terrified, it’s not the end of the world, lucky we found out now instead of later. We’ve decided to enter you with your age group so really everything’s ended for the best. Come back on Monday, if you continue studying as you should we’ll say no more about it. Knowing the answers is nothing to be ashamed of you know. You should be proud of your abilities.”

“You see dear, there was no need to pretend.” Her father shook hands with the Director and they left.

  During the ride home no one spoke; they ate dinner without a word, a heavy silence filled the house. Toni decided the wisest thing to do was to keep out of the way but just as she turned to go into the garden, she heard her father call her name from his study. The house was empty. A chill ran down her spine; she had played out this scene a thousand times and it always ended the same way. She had no choice but go to him. She entered the room.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

Toni said nothing, it was better to say as little as possible.

“I asked you a question.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t act the innocent because we both know you’re not. You’d love me to knock you around a bit so you could run back to your policeman friend displaying the evidence. I know what you’re thinking.” He opened a drawer and threw all her good copies of homework on the desk. “So you were faking it all along, when did you get to be so intelligent and learn all this stuff, they teach you different lessons on the street. Tell me, I want to know.”

“I read books in the library.”

He snorted in disbelief.

“It’s true.”

“If there’s anything else you’re hiding from me I suggest you tell me now.”

He went over to her, towering above her; she felt small, tiny compared to his bulky frame. He raised his hand. She didn’t know if she should mention the fact that Matthew often visited her at school; he must know, or maybe he just wanted to hear her tell him.

“Sometimes Matthew comes to school to see me,” she blurted out, her voice shaking, “but we don’t talk about anything much, just .........” He didn’t let her finish the sentence; she felt the familiar sting of his hand on her cheek. He raised his hand again.

“Anything else? Something I don’t know. Your friend’s visits are no secret to me.”

“You know everything, more than anyone, you know you do.” Tears filled her eyes as she felt his hand for the second time on her cheek that still stung from the first slap.

“You’re not going to start blubbing are you?”

  She wanted to but she didn’t, she felt like a young child, small and weak, She wanted to cry, not for the sting of the slaps but because he was her father and it meant nothing; he treated her like she was nothing.

“One day you’ll get exactly what’s coming to you. Now leave me.”

She didn’t have to be told twice.

  As she lay in bed, her heart thumping, she realised that he hadn’t changed. For a while she thought he had just a little, but this evening she had seen his eyes: the hate, the bitterness, the anger, the desire to hurt; it was all still there just as in the past. She wondered what had made him that way. He was more dangerous than before; he had learnt control over his instincts to hurt; he was more manipulative, more calculated. In the past she knew what to expect, she could read his emotions but now she had no idea what was coming, she couldn’t read him. This made her more nervous, more anxious, she didn’t know what was round the corner. He hadn’t forgotten anything, she had a feeling that it was just a matter of where, when and how.

  Toni reflected over her life in the last months, how she had cut herself off, distanced herself from everything, tried to ignore Matthew’s existence and she suddenly realised that none of it was working. She had hardly thought of Billy at all, her mother and Timmy had become a distant memory, she felt she had abandoned them and had somehow betrayed everyone. All the feelings she had suppressed escaped from their prison and she almost choked on the wave of emotion that engulfed her. She realised that you couldn’t ignore feelings forever, sooner or later they always surfaced. She remembered the day on the beach watching Matthew swimming and how she had felt overwhelmed by her fear, her solitude of knowing something terrible, something she didn’t want anyone to know. She felt the weight of her secret even more now. Since the day her father had appeared, instead of hiding among the dark buildings of the city, she had been hiding within herself it was the last available place to hide; there was nowhere left to run. Toni fell into a restless sleep, full of strange images, memories and faces; she saw Billy’s face and heard him say, “Listen to your dreams, they’ll guide you through the night to the morning.” She awoke suddenly, pushing away the images that had entered her head, she didn’t want to remember, she didn’t want to feel, she didn’t want to dream of people she couldn’t be with.

  It was a cold day in the middle of November, Toni went outside to try and lose herself in the grounds, hoping that her father would go out. It was Christmas in six weeks time, she knew it would happen all around her but not for her. Her thoughts turned back to school and having to start again with a new set of kids her own age. She heard her name called and considered ignoring it. She was now convinced that it didn’t matter what she did her father would always find something wrong, she had already wasted too much time and energy trying to tow the line. She chose to ignore her father’s voice, continuing to walk down the winding path that disappeared through the trees at the bottom of the garden. It wasn’t easy to hide in the grounds in winter, there were no leaves on the trees, the rose bushes were bare; she already longed for the spring but it seemed so faraway, her life felt empty and cold. This was the second winter that she hadn’t spent sleeping rough, trying desperately to keep warm, but in spite of living in a warm house and sleeping in a bed, she still felt cold, shivers and chills from the past haunted her. She sat down and leant against a tree; the ground was damp but she didn’t care.

  She heard the sound of footsteps on the footpath, the same footsteps that had haunted her for years, she didn’t need to turn round to know who it was, the same heavy, even, thud on stairs, on floorboards, on concrete.

“Didn’t you hear me calling you?”

“No.”

“You heard. What are you doing sitting out here in the cold? I’ve got a nice big comfortable house and you have to sneak around in the garden like a thief.”

“I like the garden.”

“You’re not still upset about our discussion last night are you?”

Toni didn’t answer.

“And don’t look at me like that, you’re the one who keeps things from me, you’re the one with all the secrets.”

“My secrets are also yours; you’re the one who said you were an important person, not me. I’ve got nothing to lose; you’ve got everything.”

Her father looked around then bent down shielding any view of Toni with his back; he wrapped his hand around her neck and stared to apply pressure. She gasped for breath, her eyes watered.

“Are you threatening me? Because I wouldn’t if I were you. Maybe it’s true you haven’t got anything to lose, your innocence you lost years ago. Do you remember the first time, the first man you had? You bled and stained my sheets. You remember all right, you wouldn’t stop crying, well, until I made you stop. What would your Matthew say to all the things I could tell him about you, about all those things you did with those men. How would he feel?” He loosened his grip and left her fighting for breath, she felt sick, her father laughed. “You won’t say anything. I know you. I’m going away until Monday morning, don’t do anything you might regret.” He turned round and went back up the path, his footsteps faded away. Toni was shaking, scenes from her past wouldn’t leave her mind; she relived all the feelings of disgust and shame. Her father was right: she could never tell Matthew, she would rather die than have to confess everything to him. She was near breaking point.

  The weekend passed, Toni felt that she was barely hanging on. Matthew called but she refused to see him. She felt stuck in ‘no man’s land’, up to her neck in mud unable to move one way or the other. Monday came and it was with relief that she arrived at school. Her new classmates stared at her and made the usual comments, but as the morning went on they were stunned into silence as Toni could finally perform to the best of her ability. Lunchtime came and despite the cold and the rain Toni got changed and started running, circuit after circuit, faster and faster as she found her rhythm. She pounded her feet into the ground, with each stride she rid herself of her pent up anger, her anger at her weakness, for not being able to stand up to her father. The rain fell on her face. She thought of her mother, Timothy, Billy and Matthew. She ran and ran, unable to stop, then as she was completing another circuit someone grabbed her arm. It was the coach.

“Are you crazy?! You’ll make yourself ill.” She was out of breath and sweating. He could see anger in her eyes. “Calm down.”

“Leave me alone, I have to run or I’ll explode.” She pulled away from him and continued, doing several more circuits, then she stopped, exhausted, soaked and light-headed. The coach was still watching her from under his umbrella. He walked over.

“Go and get changed then come and see me, I want to talk to you. I hope you feel better now.” She stood in the rain getting her breath back then headed for the changing rooms.

  Toni knocked on the door of the coach’s office.

“Come in!” he shouted. She entered. “Sit down. That was some run you did. Where did you learn to run like that?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Well it’s not important. How would you like to train for the athletics team? You’re fast; you’d blow ’em away. In the spring there’s the usual first meet of the season and one of the most important.”

“I don’t think I’m that fast.”

“You don’t believe in yourself much, do you? Take my word for it, you’re fast and you’ve got stamina. We train everyday, after school and Saturday mornings, at least if you joined us you’d get to eat lunch every day. I’ve watched you run at lunchtime, you never leave yourself any time to eat. How about it?”

“I don’t know if my father would permit it, he likes me to go straight home after school.”

“Leave your father to me, I’ll speak to him.”

“I don’t hold out much hope.” The bell rang. Toni got up to go and gave the coach a smile. She thought how at one time she had run to get away from people and situations. Now she was running to escape mentally; she wondered if she would ever run for pure enjoyment as she had done once on the beach with Matthew. She joined her class and got lost in an afternoon of history.

  As usual John was waiting for her after school, they arrived home and Toni went to do her homework, she could hear her father in the study. After dinner she was just about go into the garden to avoid her father’s company, when he turned to her.

“Come and sit with me in here.” He led her into the lounge; she sat on the sofa and he sat opposite her, his big body filled the armchair. “I had a phone call this afternoon from a Mr. Chambers, the coach from school, he said you wanted to train for the athletics team. He said you run like the wind.” He laughed. “Ironic isn’t it that you should be good at running. I suppose you’re wondering if I’m going to allow you to take part.” She imagined that he would throw the usual chain of sarcastic comments at her then refuse permission.

“If you won’t let me you can just say no.”

“What makes you think I’ll say no?” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Well actually I think it’s a good idea, it’ll keep you out of mischief and out of my way. I’ll tell John that he has to pick you up later from school, let him know what time you finish.” He got up and walked out leaving Toni somewhat surprised and a little worried. She hadn’t expected him to agree—she wondered what was behind it.

"Who has deceived thee so often as thyself?"  Benjamin Franklin

“The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.” 

                                     John Milton, ‘Paradise Lost’

Toni could hear voices in the background. She felt someone’s hand holding hers; it was a big rough hand. She opened her eyes; her father was sitting next to the bed doing his best in the role of concerned parent. She had a thumping headache and couldn’t move her right leg; it took her a while to get her thoughts together. Her father was stroking her hand, a good act for the benefit of the nurse who was fussing round the bed. She shuddered inwardly at his touch. It all seemed to be going on in another world, she felt apart from everything, inside looking out, slowly the memory of what happened came back, her leg, the excruciating pain as the baseball bat landed on it. Her father saw that she was coming to, the nurse said something to him then left the room, he stopped blabbing false words and bent over towards her so only she could hear what he whispered.

“Have you learnt your lesson? I warned you. You ran away, you had to be punished; the punishment always fits the crime.” Even whispering his voice was raw and menacing, it cut through her like a knife. He continued his act of the distraught father as the nurse entered again. He made all the appropriate speeches about the state of the world today and Toni shut her ears. She hadn’t thought he would go this far; he must have found out how much Leo’s boys hated her. John must have said something. Her father had used them to carry out what he called her ‘punishment’ knowing they would be more than happy to complete the task for the right sum of money, no questions asked. She ached all over, even her mind ached; she wished she had remained lost and forgotten in the city amongst the concrete and the grime, ‘Damn that photo,’ she thought, and cursed the day she had stolen Matthew’s wallet.

  Toni felt tired and wished her father would go. Just as she was closing her eyes to go back to sleep the door opened and Matthew came in.

“Shouldn’t you be out looking for whoever did this to Gillian? That is your job, isn’t it?” Toni’s father spoke sarcastically. Matthew ignored him and went to the other side of the bed, She started to feel uncomfortable; she knew he would start with the questions and she found it difficult to lie to him or at least do it convincingly.

  Matthew took her hand. “How are you feeling?”

  She didn’t answer, her stomach, as usual, was inside out. She wished Matthew would stay away. She was now even more afraid of what her father would do to make her life more miserable than it already was.

“I want to ask you a few questions ……..alone,” he said and shot a look at Toni’s father.

“I think I should be present, after all she is my daughter.”

  Toni looked outside, the sky was blue and the sun’s rays shone through the window. She thought how the sun was witness to everything: it saw all the ugly things that went on, on this side of the world and the other but it continued to shine whatever. She thought of Leo’s words when he had found her, “Don’t give up….fight him like you fought me,” but for all these thoughts she still couldn’t find what she needed inside.

“Who did this to you, Toni?”

Matthew didn’t think he’d get an answer but he had to try.

“I don’t know, they had their faces covered.” She did her best to sound convincing but she knew Matthew didn’t believe her.

“You must have seen something, how many were there?”

“Seven or eight. I told you I didn’t see much. They pushed me on the ground, I banged my head on a stone and it was bleeding; my eyes were blurred.”

Toni wasn’t looking Matthew in the eye and he knew she was hiding something. It was useless with her father there, she was too much on her guard. Matthew was angry: with her, with her father and with himself, mostly with himself for being so inadequate, for not being able to protect her. Since Toni had gone to live with her father he had spent most of his free time investigating him, but if Richard Fielding had anything to hide he had covered his tracks well. Matthew had tried to speak to his wife, Isabel, but with no success, she was lost in her own world. He knew there was a story behind him, he had a secret and he was convinced that Toni knew what it was, but Matthew had no proof or evidence of anything, only a feeling. There were things he wanted to say to Toni but not with her father present; he decided to leave and go back when she was alone.

“Well if you do remember anything let me know, we’ll talk later.”

  He bent over and kissed her cheek. Toni wanted to sleep, she had the feeling that her body didn’t belong to her. She let her eyes close. It wasn’t a restful sleep, she tossed and turned and had strange dreams; she had bouts of sleeping, dreaming and waking. She would wake up suddenly to see either her father or a nurse sitting by her bed, unsure if she was awake or just dreaming. The people kept changing, then suddenly the room was full of faces, the only one missing was Matthew’s; she searched for him amongst the crowd but he wasn’t there. She saw herself at a funeral; she looked at the shiny nameplate on the coffin and saw ‘Matthew’ engraved in italics, then she heard a voice behind her, laughing; it was her father’s voice, mocking her. She woke up with a start and found herself sitting upright. The sea of faces had vanished, only one remained, her father’s. “Bad dreams, dear?”

She lay back on the bed, exhausted. She felt listless and empty of everything. He had won.

  Toni had developed an infection and was delirious with fever. Her father stayed with her, partly for show but also because he was concerned about what she might have said in her sleep. Matthew was extremely worried about her and spent a lot of time at the hospital, he watched her as she struggled with her dreams and as she slept peacefully. He couldn’t bear the sight of Toni’s father but he wasn’t going to be intimidated by him. After a few days, the fever subsided, though after a week she still didn’t show much improvement, another week passed, the dark rings were getting darker and she was getting paler. Matthew didn’t recognise the Toni he had in front of him as the same person, the Toni so full of life, full of smart answers. Her eyes were empty, as if she had given up. He had to get her to eat and took all sorts of food to the hospital; he tried everything. Toni’s father spent less time there due to work and the fact that he could see that his daughter had learnt her lesson.

  Toni stayed in bed, spending all day staring at the TV, eating little and sleeping little. The doctors started warning about a relapse; she still showed signs of the same infection. It was obvious that she wasn’t well: physically and mentally. Her leg became a secondary problem as she lost more weight, and became indifferent to everything. She had constant visits from Simon but nothing he said made any difference. Even her coach tried to reawaken her will to live. To Toni their words were hollow; they didn’t understand—she had no fight left.

  It had been almost four weeks since the incident. Toni had become dangerously thin and put on a drip. Matthew turned up at lunchtime as usual to encourage her to eat something. He so desperately wanted to help her. He wanted to get her away from her father, to find out who beat her up and left her in the alleyway, who phoned him that night to tell him where she was. She wouldn’t tell him anything; it was so frustrating. He knew she had most of the answers.

“Toni you can’t go on like this, you have to eat something; your leg doesn’t have a chance of mending if you don’t put some food in your stomach.” He waited for a reply but none came. “What about your running. How can you start running again if your leg doesn’t mend?”

“I’m not running anywhere any more. Leave me alone I’m done with struggling.”

“For God’s sake, after everything we’ve been through, how can you just sit there with that blank expression? Get angry, scream, cry, kick me, do something!”

  Nothing… Matthew sighed, got up and left. He had stood by and watched her become a shadow. Now he could watch no longer, he had to wake her up. Toni remained unmoved by Matthew’s outburst, turned on the television and stared at the screen.

  Matthew went home, he sat for an hour staring at the whisky stain on the wall, then called Simon. “Simon I need to talk.”

“What’s happened?”

“Nothing, that’s just it, nothing’s happened. It’s Toni, I don’t know what to do, how to help her.”

“I’ll be round as soon as I can.” Not long after Simon appeared at the door.

“Thanks for coming, I need to talk to someone.” They sat down in the lounge. “She’s given up, she’s lost her will to live. I’m afraid she’s going to die.”

“I admit things don’t look good.”

“If she goes she might as well take me with her.”

“Hey mate, I’m still here ya know.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean …….. It just came out. You’re a better friend than I deserve.”

“If anyone can reach her you can Matt, but you have to go deep, she’s buried everything way down so that now even she can’t get to it without help. You have to find a way to touch her soul, to rekindle the fire.” Matthew looked around his apartment.

“This place doesn’t feel like home anymore.” His eyes rested on the bookcase, on a particular book. He stood up and took it from the shelf. “She needs to read Astral Dancer.”

“You mean that weird one you lent me, where the author dances about in the astral planes.?”

“I thought you were the one with the open mind.”

“Just kidding. Good choice, might get her thinking.”

  Toni hadn’t expected Matthew to return so soon, she was in the same position staring at the television. He immediately turned it off.

“I want to talk to you.”

“More talking.”

“Listen, don’t think I can’t see it, maybe no one else does, but I know you Toni, I know you better than anyone. I saw the fear written on your face when your father walked in the station that very first time. I saw the terror in your eyes, you can’t hide it from me. You can’t live your life conditioned by fear; you have to face it to become free of it. If you want to be free of him you have to face him. You’ve become a shadow, his shadow. Where’s that kicking, spitting, fighting street kid I used to know? If you don’t want my help that’s fine; if you want to accept your life as it is, that’s your business. I’ll always be here if you need me. If you want to die, I’ll come and say a few prayers at your funeral but you’ll be dying in chains, is that what you want? Is that what Billy died for?”

“Don’t bring Billy into this, it’s got nothing to do with him.”

“Hasn’t it? Toni you weren’t born to die but to be free.”

“I don’t want to hear anymore Matthew, I’m tired, so tired.”

“You know sometimes in life you have to make a stand, be honest with yourself and face whatever it is you have to face. I can’t bear to see you like this. Think back to when we both stood in the rain by the sea screaming to the universe for our right to be heard. Where’s your cry now? You don’t deserve this Toni. Don’t let yourself wither away into nothingness.”

  There was silence, Toni knew what he was saying was right but she couldn’t find the courage to do what he was asking. His last sentence stuck in her head and she thought of her father’s wife and the blank expression on her face, withering away in a mental institution. Maybe that would be her end too.

“I’ve brought something for you,” Matthew said, placing the book on the bed. Toni glanced down at it and read aloud the title.

“Astral Dancer – stories of healing and adventure from the beyond. So this book is gonna make everything better is it?”

“Just read it. Do it for Billy, and while you’re reading think carefully about everything we’ve been through together, about everything you’ve been through, think about your life and how you’ve suffered. Do you really want it all to end here in this bed? This is your battle Toni, no one can fight it for you.” Matthew saw a flicker of something in her eyes and hoped that the message would get through.

Toni thought about what Matthew had said. Staring at the book she began to go back in time. She remembered her life with her family, it was a beautiful world. She had been too young to appreciate it: the games, the laughter, the morning confusion, even the disagreements with Matthew. They had always settled their differences and their relationship had strengthened. Then disaster struck and she lived through the pain of losing her family. First death took her mother and brother, then drink took Matthew; everything had suddenly gone wrong. She hadn’t seen the evil in her father, she hadn’t seen the danger lurking in her life. She lay back on the hospital bed that had become her home and fell into a restless sleep, waking up two hours later, the book had fallen on the floor. A nurse came in, picked it up and put it on the table beside her. She wondered if Matthew would come back that evening; she doubted it, he had been angry, expecting her to think. They brought in something to eat, but she couldn’t face it. The nurse fussed, a doctor came in and prodded her around a bit, lecturing her on the benefits of food. The voices just echoed in her head.

She remembered how her father had entered her life and brought winter with him. Her eyes ached from lack of sleep and her head felt heavy. She stared out of the window. Matthew hadn’t come. The nurse brought in some more food, the smell made her feel sick. She thought how once she would have devoured it in a second.

  Matthew’s words replayed over and over in her mind; she should read the book, she owed him at least that much. She tried to eat something but the food stuck in her throat and she gave up, her whole body was closing down. She slept the usual restless sleep, waking early in the morning; she pulled the drip off her arm and got up to go to the bathroom. She was weak and limped across the room with the help of a chair, standing in front of the mirror she saw what Matthew had been seeing for weeks—she hardly recognised herself. She made it to the bathroom and back to bed. Then it all started again; a nurse came in, replaced the drip and made her drink something. Toni was too tired to refuse. She lay in bed all morning watching TV. She remembered how she had ran away and found friends but Billy, her friend, was no longer there. Toni felt she had lost it all, all the magic that had once been hers, all gone. Her lunch tray remained untouched. She thought about Billy and all he had meant to her, Matthew and Simon. The warmth of their friendship stirred something in her soul. She picked up Astral Dancer and read it from cover to cover without a break. As she read the last word, she let the book fall from her hand on to the bed. Exhausted she fell asleep. Suddenly she felt a slight fizzing sensation and she felt herself lifting out of her body. She could see herself in bed and began to wonder if this was what it was like to die. She felt herself being pulled along in a dark tunnel, then she found herself sitting on some steps in the middle of a city. There was a young man sitting next to her, he was smiling.

“Hi, I’m Danny.”

“You mean, Danny from the book I’ve just read?”

“Yes.”

“Am I dead?” Toni asked him.

“No, you are simply out-of-body. Isn’t it just so cool to meet someone you’ve just read about in a book? I know your story Toni.”

“How come you know all about me?”

“Maybe when we sleep we go to a dream library where we read each other’s stories. Your story led to mine and mine led to all the others.”

“You’re talking about Astral Dancer, right? How could my story lead to yours? Mine hasn’t finished yet, you said I’m not dead.”

“Well it depends where you are, where your consciousness is on the time line.”

“Ok, you’ve read my story so tell me how it ends.”

“Our stories never end, they go on forever. Try and look at things from a global viewpoint, just let your consciousness expand.” Danny’s voice was soft and reassuring, she closed her eyes and gave herself to the wonderful energy that swirled around her. She wanted to remain within the energy but she felt herself drifting away.

“Danny, where are you?”

“I’m here, I’m always here. You have to go back to finish what you started. You still have a life to live.”

  Toni felt as if she were being pulled back into her physical body, she didn’t wake up but drifted into a dream. She found herself flying above beautiful countryside, there was a woman with her having difficulty in staying up in the air. Toni explained to her that to fly well you have to feel spirit inside. The countryside changed to the sea, the water was calm and Toni dived in for a swim. She was aware of the presence of her mother who was about to sail away in a ship. Toni was angry with her as she felt she was being abandoned. The sea changed into a town, the people were friendly and Toni enjoyed being there. She started throwing somersaults and dancing in the air. A young man asked her how she managed to fly, she replied, “You have to fill yourself with spirit.” They laughed together at Toni’s antics in the air. Suddenly Toni felt threatened, her father had arrived and was looking for her. She was afraid and ran to hide. A clown offered her his outfit to disguise herself but she refused to take it. The townspeople tried to help her hide among the buildings but her father’s men were everywhere and although Toni could fly and even pass through walls, they always found her. She was tired of running and decided to face her father in the main street of the town, out in the open, in front of everyone. Toni flew down the main street, her father and his men behind her. She was confident and could hear triumphant music playing in the background. The townspeople were cheering. When she reached the centre of the town, she turned to face her father. The people closed in for protection. She turned to them: “ I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help but if I let you protect me, he will come after me again, waiting for a moment when I feel alone. This is what fear does and my father is my fear.” She turned to him, “You are superior to me only in physical strength and that is not real power. I gave you control over me by fearing you. I fear you no longer, I reclaim my power.”

  Toni woke up suddenly, ‘Wow,’ she thought and started to go over in her mind the details of her experiences. First with Danny then the dream. Danny was from the book, Astral Dancer, it seemed just so incredible, she had been awake, fully conscious, yet her body had been asleep. She remembered Danny’s words, like Billy he told her that she hadn’t finished what she had started, that she had to come back to finish her life, yet Danny spoke as if he already knew the ending. She thought about the dream and realised that she couldn’t ignore its message.

 Toni now realised that she was responsible in a way for part of what had happened. She hadn’t wanted to face the truth, to confront her father; she hadn’t wanted out enough, her broken leg was another excuse not to do anything, an excuse to give up. It seemed that the more she tried to hide from herself the worse things got. She had always felt a victim, looking objectively, she understood that this was just her perspective of the situation, how she believed it to be. Maybe, by accepting this role and making herself a victim she had given her father power. She wondered if unconsciously she had forced the situation she was now in. Fear was her excuse for accepting the lie she was living, the lie to herself. It was her mess, they were her lies, only she could change her situation, only she could change her life. Despite lack of food and sleep her thoughts were lucid, she realised that she had committed a terrible crime against herself and had been doing so for many years since she had lost her memory. Afraid of facing the truth, that her mother and Timmy were dead, of facing her emotions, it had all started then and had continued up to the present, in a hospital bed waiting to die.

  The nurse brought in her dinner, smiling as usual.

“Good book is it? What’s it about?”

 Toni was quiet for a moment, then replied softly, “My life.”

“You won’t have any life left if you don’t eat something. You know your friend Matthew cares a lot about you. Your father’s got a lot of nice words and smiles, comes to see you and phones everyday to see how you are, but your policeman really cares, you can see it in his eyes; don’t do this to him.” She left the room.

Toni looked at the food and ate what she could manage, a while later the nurse came in and removed the tray, giving her a smile. “Your father phoned ten minutes ago, he’s coming back tomorrow.” She left.

Toni yawned but knew she wouldn’t be sleeping, her father was due back from his business trip, that meant she had to finish the book before he arrived or her resolve would go. She read the second part of the book and realised that life was, indeed bigger and more intricate than she had imagined. She thought of Billy and their voyage together through unknown seas, to an unknown destiny, side by side, fighting silently for their future. Then she had left him behind. Suddenly she understood the full significance of Billy’s death. She remembered his message from the beyond. It all became clear: Billy had given up his life for her; to wake her up, he had believed in her more than she had believed in herself. In his fight for her he had given up his life. She wondered if we actually choose our paths for what we can learn and for what we can teach others.

“Billy,” she whispered, “Billy, you died for me.”

  Toni hadn’t understood the full meaning of her dream the night Billy died, until that moment; she hadn’t understood the importance of all the events: all were linked, all pointing in one direction. She could almost hear Billy’s voice. He had known; he had pushed her back to finish what she had started. He had stopped her living in her imagination and forced her to return to the past; it was he who had given her memory a jolt. Now Matthew was making her look at her present and the big ball of fear that it had become.

The meaning of the dream she had just had was crystal clear. She now understood that she was under her father’s control due to her fear: fear of the truth and of discovering who she really was. She thought of her friends: the sea, the forest and all the beautiful things nature had shown her, of Matthew and Simon. All had tried to make her realise that life could be different, that life could change but only if she wanted it to. Nothing happened on its own she had to want it, fight for it, even if everything seemed lost, she had to believe. She had done a terrible thing; through her fear she had forgotten who she really was; she had gained her memories but had lost her self. She finally understood that she had to break free. This was the point her life had reached, this was where the decision lay. Now she had two choices: remain in chains or free herself from all she had suffered.

  It was well into the night; one of the nurses came in to insist that she went to sleep but she couldn’t, her mind was too active. Her prison had been her mind, the void she had been living in, the void she had created.

  Matthew was right it was her battle. Then once again she remembered Leo’s words when he found her and knew what she had to do. Taking a deep breath she lay back. It was nearly morning and her eyes were heavy from lack of sleep but she felt good. She closed her eyes and went to sleep.

  It was eleven when she woke up, the nurse who had spoken to her the day before was in the room. “Did you finish that book?”

“Yes, last night. I don’t suppose there’s any breakfast is there?”

“Breakfast was three hours ago. If you slept normal hours you wouldn’t have missed it,” she replied, but she was smiling and went to get Toni something to eat. Just as she was finishing the door opened and in walked Matthew; she could see the look of relief as he saw her finally eating. He looked over at the book on the bedside table then looked in her eyes and saw that something had replaced the emptiness that had been there before; it was difficult to define, a sort of determination. Her eyes were still sunken and she still looked pale but she seemed to have acquired a sense of purpose. Toni felt herself under his gaze. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Matthew smiled. “Did you read Astral Dancer?”

“Yes.”

“Did you find what you needed?”

Toni thought for a minute then spoke softly.

“Yes I did. Do you believe you can meet people from books, I mean, like we’re talking now, so real?”

As she said the words the door opened and her father appeared; she saw a look of displeasure cross his face as he saw Matthew by her bed.

“I’d like to be alone with my daughter, if you don’t mind; we have a lot to talk about. I don’t suppose you’ve discovered who did this to her have you?”

  Matthew didn’t answer, he looked at Toni and somehow knew that she had the situation under control, that crafty mind of hers had started to work and he had to leave it to her. He kissed her forehead and left, not because Fielding had told him to but because he knew he had to let Toni do it her way.

  A stiff silence filled the room. Toni’s father stood at the end of the bed.

“You look a bit better.”

“You sound disappointed.”

He gave her an icy look then glanced at the book on the table.

“He gave you that I suppose.” He found a plastic bag and threw it in. “I’ve brought you a present too, a new watch, your other one got smashed in the park. Do you remember?” Toni shivered as he put it on her wrist, it felt like a handcuff. “And here’s your chain, a nurse rescued it when they brought you in, some chains never break, you know.”

  The door opened and a nurse entered. Her father went back to play-acting. He still had the same effect on Toni; she was still afraid, her heart pounded as usual when he was near. The nurse fussed around and Toni’s father made some excuse that he had to go but would be back later. He kissed her where Matthew had just minutes before and looked directly in her eyes saying one thing and meaning another. His eyes said everything; she shuddered. “I’ll take this home for you dear,” he said, picking up the bag, but Toni knew it would find its way to a bin. He could take it away it was too late. She had found the strength, she realised it had always been with her, deep down, waiting to be woken up. Now she felt the lion inside her, roaring in the silence of her soul.

“The will to do the soul to dare.” Sir Walter Scott

"Courage is knowing what not to fear."  Plato

  Leo was as good as his word and provided Toni with what she needed. Only four days had gone by since she had spoken to him. The recorder worked perfectly, everything was prepared and the moment had come. There was no point in waiting, she was too nervous about the whole thing and knew her father would sense something; it would have to be that very evening. She couldn’t risk having anything at home that might be discovered.

  The afternoon passed slowly, finally Helen started preparing dinner; they ate a little later than usual as Toni’s father shut had himself in his study making phone calls. While they ate Toni could feel the recorder in her pocket, it was only small but to her it felt the size of a brick. After dinner she went and sat in the lounge, unsure whether to carry out her plan or abandon everything. Helen popped her head round the door and said goodnight, several minutes later Toni heard her car leaving.

  Toni’s stomach churned with uncertainty and anxiety but she knew what she had to do. She crushed her nerves and hardened up; her hand was in her pocket and she pressed the record button. A few seconds later she sensed her father’s presence behind her and the image of the boy’s face from the photograph flashed before her. What if that boy was still there struggling to get out? What if by doing what she planned she destroyed him forever? She wondered if she could take that responsibility. He sat down in the armchair opposite.

“You seem lost in your thoughts. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“Don’t lie. I want to know what you were thinking.”

Toni had to give him a chance to redeem himself just a little.

“Don’t you just love me a little bit, like a daughter I mean?”

Her father laughed, he was mocking her and his laugh cut into her heart. It had cost her a lot to ask the question and he just threw it back in her face. She looked into his eyes and saw nothing of what she wanted to see.

“You were an accident, you don’t think I would’ve planned to have a screaming little brat waking me up all night. She turned all her attention to you, your mother, it was you who took her away from me, all the love she’d had for me she gave to you and you did nothing but cry in return. It was all your fault.”

There was a limit to what Toni’s guilty conscience would carry and she knew she wasn’t to blame, at least for what he was accusing her of. Her heart sank deeper and deeper. She stood up.

“You can’t blame me, if she left you she didn’t love you, and if you really hated me so much why didn’t you leave me where I was all those years ago, with Matthew, and why did we have to sneak around all the time? Why didn’t you just make your claim on me, the law was on your side if you were my father.”

“What do you mean by if, I’m your father whether you like it or not and you belong to me. I didn’t need a court to tell me that I have the right to bring up my own daughter. Besides, that Matthew needed a lesson, he needed to suffer, she would’ve come back if it wasn’t for him, he had to feel what it was like to lose someone he loved.”

“But he’d already lost his wife and son.”

“That’s not the same, to lose someone in death is final, in the end you accept it, they get put in the ground, covered with dirt and you know damn well they’re not coming back. When someone leaves you, you know they’re still walking around somewhere, you know they’re alive, breathing, eating, sleeping and a part of you thinks that one day they might come home, yet the other part knows you’ve been rejected and they’ll never come back. Your Matthew suffered like I had to when your mother left me.”

“Like you suffered when your mother left you, you mean.”

There was a stiff silence as Toni’s father took in what she had said. His face darkened and Toni knew she was on a one-way street, she couldn’t stop now. “It must have been terrible to wake up in the morning and find your mother and sister gone.”

“What are you talking about, if you know what’s good for you don’t say anymore.” He rose to his feet.

“Your mother promised to send for you, but she never did, did she?” Toni started quoting from the letter. “‘I met a man who says he’ll take care of me and your sister, he already has three boys.’ You knew what was coming next didn’t you Richard. Three boys already, they didn’t want another one, they didn’t want you.” She continued quoting, “‘I can’t look after you and we have to say goodbye,’ but she didn’t even do that, she didn’t even face you and say that goodbye, only words on a page.” Toni hated what was coming out of her mouth, she could see her father’s old wounds opening up and he was unusually quiet. His eyes seemed distant and he was just too calm, the eruption was coming, she knew she had to go on, this was her last chance. “‘Don’t hate me for leaving you, I’m your mother and I’ll always love you. Please forgive me.’ Did you forgive her for leaving you? Did you ever forgive her Richard?” Toni stopped speaking hoping she had said enough. His face was dark, he was tense; she knew he was trying to control his anger. She moved behind the sofa for protection, when he exploded she knew what awaited her. She had to push him further. “Then my mother left you, I ran away and your wife wanted to leave you. No one wants to be with you. No one loves you.” That was it, the sentence. He lost control.

“Who the hell are you to talk to me like that? Do you think your Matthew would want you if he knew what I know about you, if he knew what you really are, that you’re nothing more than a filthy whore. How many men have been inside you, their dirty hands all over your scrawny child’s body, and you couldn’t even get that right. Those men paid me next to nothing for you, some of them even complained and refused to pay. How does that make you feel, eh?”

“I was only seven years old, how could you have done that to me?” Her voice was shaking, though she tried to remain unmoved. She had to choose her words carefully. “I knew nothing, I didn’t know it was wrong, you made me believe I was doing the right thing; you sold me, you sold your own daughter.” He moved closer to her, his eyes burning with rage, Toni started to retreat.

“You’re damn right I sold you, you had to earn your keep. I sold you to anyone who would pay. You’re about to regret opening that mouth of yours, a broken leg is nothing to what you’re going to get now.” She moved round the sofa, her heart felt as if it would jump out of her chest, his fists were clenched, flashes from the past shot through her head. She ran through the door of the lounge towards the front door, then suddenly felt herself being dragged backwards, he pushed her to the floor and put his foot on her chest, pushing harder and harder so she could hardly breathe. He kicked her in the side then dragged her to her feet coughing, her chest hurt, she struggled but he was too strong. His broad shoulders loomed over her, he pulled his arm back, his fist then sent her flying across the hall and into the wall on the other side, as she hit the wall the recorder fell from her pocket and slid across the floor. The red recording light was still on. Time seemed to slow down, Toni knew she had to get herself together, she felt dizzy and could only see a blurred image of the recorder.

“You fucking bitch!” Richard Fielding’s eyes flashed anger and hate, realising what she had been doing. Toni knew she had to get there before him and disappear out of the door, out of the house, out of his life, or that would be her last chance blown. She summoned all the energy she could find and threw herself at the little machine that could save her life; she was small and quick, her father was heavy and slow. She felt the metal in her hand and then changed direction, she yanked the door open and ran through, hearing her father’s heavy footsteps behind. Her leg was stiff and she wasn’t prepared for a chase. She hadn’t thought much about this part of her plan, what she would do if something went wrong; knowing that the outcome was too unpredictable, she had decided to rely on instinct. Adrenaline and will to survive kept her going, she ran down the garden, through the roses and into the orchard, she climbed up the tree nearest to the wall and let herself down the other side. She ran and ran, her ears alert to the sound of her father behind her, her side streets had changed to undefined pathways weaving between the trees. When she could no longer hear anyone behind her she crouched down by a tree and listened, she could hear nothing, only the sounds of the night. Finally she had the evidence, now all she had to do was get to Matthew, it sounded simple but there was only one road into the city, it would be difficult to get there unobserved. The side of her face throbbed, her chest hurt and really all she wanted to do was collapse in a heap on the ground and cry, she wanted someone to take over, to sort everything out without her. She wanted to go to sleep in her bed at Matthew’s and not think about anything. Her father’s fury had terrified her; she was shaking from fear, she imagined he would soon have everyone out looking for her, what she possessed was to him the end of everything. She pulled out the little machine from her pocket. Turning the sound down low, she held it to her ear to check the evidence. She heard her father’s voice, a little muffled but clear enough, and relived the last thirty minutes of her life, shuddering she rewound the tape again to the beginning and put it back in her pocket, this time zipping it up. She decided to go back to the house and hide in the garden, it would be the last place anyone would expect her to be. She waited a while to check for unexpected noises, then slowly and without a sound, she made her way back to the house, thankful that it was getting dark. Peering over the wall she could see more lights on than usual, she dropped down the other side, as she landed she felt a sharp pain shoot through her knee and tried to ignore it. She approached the house, keeping low and out of any light, she crawled round the side and hid in the bushes near the front. She knew she was taking a chance but she also knew that the only way to reach the city without being picked up would be to take a ride in one of the cars that kept coming and going. She remained hidden for two hours waiting for an opportunity, none came, she was getting tired, emotionally drained, then she saw the familiar shape of John’s car arriving; she was exhausted, her head ached and she could feel her resistance weakening. John entered the house, leaving the engine running, she took a look around then ran to the car and opened the door. There was always loads of stuff on the back seat, boxes, papers, rubbish, it was always a mess and he only ever used it to pick her up. She closed the door gently then installed herself behind the driver’s seat, trying to blend in as much as she could with paper and cardboard boxes, hoping that he wouldn’t bring a passenger or she would be noticed. She heard her heart thumping in her chest, the next few minutes would decide her fate. The front door of the house opened and footsteps approached, two sets, Toni was shaking, she felt sick with worry and fear, waiting to be discovered. In all her life, all the things she had been through she had never been quite so afraid. Only the driver’s door opened and John got in, she became rigid as she heard her father’s voice.

“You’ve got to find her before she gets to the cop, that’s who she’ll go to, I’ve spread the word that she’s carrying a gun, when you find her call me immediately and don’t let her talk to anyone. My men are controlling the road, go round her usual haunts, ask questions, pay people and find her.” Toni felt the car turn round and head down the drive, it was the longest twenty minutes of her life. John tuned in to the local radio station, she listened to a description of herself that she hardly recognised, ‘a runaway, mentally unstable, armed and dangerous, not to be approached.’ She sensed that they were still passing through trees. John had his window open. They continued for another fifteen minutes and the smells and sounds gradually changed. Toni knew instinctively that they had arrived, she could sense the feel of the city at night, now she had to grab the first opportunity that came. The car turned sharp corners as they went deeper into the forest of buildings, then slowed down and stopped. John got out, she heard him talking to someone. Risking a look, she peered through the window, it was a dark and uninviting part of the city, the sort of place you didn’t go at night. There weren’t many people around and she knew she might not get another chance as good as this; he was a fair distance from the car. She opened the door on the passenger side, trying to keep quiet but the click sounded like thunder to her, she slipped through and closed it carefully behind her. She crept round to the front of the car, glanced over to John to make sure he wasn’t coming back, then ran down the alleyway opposite. Once she started running she didn’t stop, she couldn’t afford to, someone might have seen her. She continued down side street after side street, over walls and bins, through windows of deserted buildings, relieved that she had such a good knowledge of the city. She felt like the old Toni, the streetwise, tough Toni, not Gillian Fielding. She heard no one behind her but didn’t stop, she had to find a good place to hide until the morning. The streets were too quiet at this time and she would soon be noticed, if her father valued his career and his freedom, the place would be crawling with people looking for her. It was midnight, she had got herself right into the heart of the city and she knew that at least for that night she was safe. She climbed through a window, listening for signs of other bodies, she took a quick look around and as far as she could see there was no one. She sat down in a corner and allowed herself to relax, in the morning she would find a phone, call Matthew and arrange a place to meet then it would be all over. She lay down, it wasn’t cold but she shivered, her face was swollen where her father’s fist had landed and she was thirsty. The sound of rats scurrying around on the old wooden floorboards kept her awake, she found it hard to believe that once she had done the same every night as routine. It was a lonely place, it had been a lonely existence, she wondered how she had managed to survive, she wondered how many other kids there were like her, alone and frightened, forced to live in dirty, squalid places. While she lay curled up, her back against the wall, she thought about what her father had said, about what she had said to him; sorrow overwhelmed her. It had all become so complicated: buried emotions, hurt, pain, everything had surfaced and there was no going back. Everything had gone too far, he would have to kill her to shut her up; she guessed he knew it, too. There was only so much a person could take and she had taken more than most, the recording ensured that she would be believed, it left no doubt; she had to be sure it didn’t get into the wrong hands. She remembered her father’s book with names of certain police officers. It was a long way from over; she had the finishing line in sight but in front of her was a fiery dragon with three heads. She smiled at the image she had formed in her mind, realising that it had been a long time since she had lost herself in images of monsters, dragons, knights, kings and queens. She realised that despite everything she still believed in those stories, she still believed that it was all possible, she still believed in the magic. She stopped shivering, warmed her body and chased away her fear with fantasy and filled her mind with images of all her heroes and heroines, wishing that she had their courage.

  Toni fell in and out of a restless sleep, waiting for dawn, for an end to her nightmare. As morning arrived, she checked her pocket for change, when she thought there would be enough people on the streets for some cover, she headed for the nearest phone. She found an old baseball cap near a bin and put it on, wearing it at an angle to hide her injured face. The first phone wasn’t working, the second only took cards, by now she was extremely nervous and felt vulnerable, out in the open, as if all eyes were on her. She found a phone that worked, first she tried Matthew’s cell phone, someone answered but said nothing, she hung up sensing that something wasn’t right, she tried home but there was only the answer phone; she didn’t need a machine she needed Matthew. Toni had one more coin she would have to phone the station. She dialled his private number at work, the phone rang three times then she heard Matthew’s voice.

“Yes.”

“It’s me, Matthew I need to meet you.”

“God, you’re lucky you caught me, I only popped by to find my phone, I seem to have lost it. What’s going on? What have you been up to? Seems like the whole city’s looking for you.”

“I haven’t done anything, I have to see you, only you, do you understand? I don’t trust anyone else, I think he’s paying them.”

“Paying who?”

“Listen, there’s no time, just come alone.”

“Ok, ok, just tell me where.”

“Wait for me outside the piano bar, where Billy lived.”

She hung up, looking nervously around, then retreated into the shadows.

  If Matthew had taken the time to look around he would have noticed one of his police officers watching him, listening to his conversation through an earpiece, then he would have seen him dial another number. He would have heard him talking to Richard Fielding, the politician, relaying the conversation he had just heard, but Matthew, sensing the urgency in Toni’s voice, left without speaking or looking at anyone.

  Toni waited nervously, wishing it was all over. She saw Matthew appear round a corner, he stopped and leant up against a wall, just one hundred metres away. She glanced around, everything seemed normal, she came out of her hiding place but as she looked to her left she saw her father walking towards her. She looked at Matthew who had seen her, then walking towards her from the opposite side of the road was her father’s faithful lapdog, John. She didn’t think she would reach Matthew before John reached her, her father blocked the other way and was closer than anyone. The only exit was back into the shadows; she heard Matthew call her name but she knew she had to continue in the opposite direction; she heard heavy footsteps behind her thudding on the concrete. She was tired, weary from lack of food and sleep, she knew she wouldn’t be able to carry on for much longer and if he caught her there, in the darkness, he could say anything had happened and he would be believed. She headed out of the labyrinth of alleyways and burst out onto a busy road, full of the morning hum of people and traffic. She ran across the road and into a building; cars skidded to a halt as she ran blindly in front of them. She wasn’t thinking where she was going, she hadn’t planned it this way, for once she didn’t know where to run, she didn’t know where to hide— she had somehow exhausted all possibilities. She ploughed through the doors of an office block, there was a choice, up or down, she went up and continued until there was no more up. She found herself on the roof; there was nowhere to go. She stood facing the door that she had just run through, waiting for the inevitable, just like she had waited in the past. The frantic thud of footsteps on the stairs was more terrifying than ever before, knowing that whatever happened it would be for the last time.

Fear gripped her, her chest tightened and her heart pounded. The door opened and her father came flying through; it slammed shut behind him. He moved towards her smiling, she felt sick with fear. Then the door opened again and two police officers appeared; she wondered whose side they were on and retreated to the edge of the roof. This was it she had to face him, she had run as far as she could. Matthew and several other policemen arrived, all eyes were on Toni. A thousand thoughts raced through her head: she thought about her imaginary heroes and heroines and she knew that they would have the courage to do what she felt she couldn’t, face him, confront him with the truth, her right to be heard, her right to live, her right to be happy. That one second seemed like a lifetime: everything seemed to meet right there, her past, present and future all seemed to depend on that one moment. Again she thought of her heroes and heroines and the courage they had shown whatever the adversity. The moment seemed to expand within her, she reached deep inside her being and reached all the people she had read about, all kinds of people in all kinds of worlds and situations. She felt that they were giving her something that she needed. They suddenly seemed so real. She remembered all the times in the library when she had relived her fantasies over and over again, that she was the heroine in an world of monsters, battles and evil giants.

  She closed her eyes for an instant and accepted all that she was being offered from her friends in other worlds, when she opened them she looked at her father directly in the eye. What she saw she hadn’t expected: he was afraid, afraid of her. She realised he couldn’t hurt her anymore and saw that he realised it too.

  Toni got up on the small wall that surrounded the rooftop, she could see over the edge, how small and insignificant everything seemed; she looked at her father also he seemed small and insignificant; he was afraid and angry, he had never been so vulnerable. He had everything he had ever wanted: the power and money he had always yearned for, and she was about to take it all away. She went to pull the recorder from her pocket, her father’s voice disturbed the silence.

“She’s armed!”

Then she heard Matthew’s voice, and tried to make him out in what had become a sea of faces.

“Don’t shoot, nobody shoot! That’s an order!”

  She held the little machine in her hand, pulled it from her pocket and pressed the play button. She held it in the air, the wind carried the voice of Richard Fielding over the wall. Nobody heard clearly what was recorded but it was enough to confuse everyone. No one knew the next move, this was the moment that would decide the outcome; she wondered if her father would admit his past or whether he would try desperately to keep it hidden. Toni was in a precarious position, it was windy on the roof and the wall she was standing on was far from stable. Suddenly Richard Fielding lunged towards his daughter and made a grab for the recorder, she was too quick and jumped sideways. He was a big man and he couldn’t stop himself in time, his own weight carried him over the wall. She watched him as he fell screaming, waving his arms and legs madly about in what looked like an attempt to fly. Then he hit the ground.

  Toni felt dizzy, she was losing her balance. For a moment time seemed to stand still, then she felt two hands take hold of her and lift her off the wall to safety. She felt Matthew’s arms around her but she pushed him away, she had to see her father in all his glory splattered on the concrete. She ran back down all the stairs that she had previously run up, reached the bottom and ran out into the car park, there, in front of her, was his distorted body lying in a pool of blood. La Mort Du Loup by Vangelis, seemed to be playing over his body and in her mind.

The Death of the Wolf, yes, he had been the wolf, but he had also been the lamb. She felt all the sadness of their life together; she hadn’t wanted him to die, she had only wanted him to love her.

  As Toni stood staring at her father, a whole mix of emotions filled her: sorrow, grief, regret. She wondered how much of him remained a part of her. The necklace he had bought her burnt into her skin, she pulled it from her neck and placed it on him. The watch suddenly felt too tight, she took it off, a part of her wanted to stand on it and crush it, just as he had done to Simon’s watch, but she didn’t want to be like him. She put it next to the necklace, took one more look at his motionless body and walked away. There was a crowd forming and Toni didn’t want to hang around; she heard Matthew call her name and as she turned round she saw him walking towards her.

“Where are you going?”

She didn’t know, she didn’t know where she was going or who she really was, she had lived so long in the shadows, afraid of even giving herself a name, afraid of the past, of the present and of the future. She didn’t know how to live. Matthew took her hand; it was shaking, it looked so small next to his. She looked so frail and yet was so full of courage and strength, she had taken on her past, she had stood up to the man who had almost destroyed her. Toni had put the recorder back in her pocket after her father had fallen, she took it out and it was still playing; she could still hear her father’s voice even in death. She turned it off and gave it to Matthew. She should have felt happy, she should have felt relieved but she only felt sad, he was her father and she had been responsible for his death, just as she had felt responsible for the death of her mother and brother. She was free of her father but she was not free of her conscience that continued to taunt her. She smelt the now familiar smell of death. Matthew looked at Toni, she wore an expression he hadn’t seen before. “It’s over Toni, it’s all over.”

“Is it?”

She wasn’t so sure, she wanted it to be but scenes of her past were still playing in her head and now there was a new one to add. She didn’t feel the sense of liberation and relief that she might have expected and the tears wouldn’t come. What more did she have to do to earn peace of mind, to quieten her thoughts, to stop reliving the past? Where were the flashing lights and bells? She didn’t feel much different.

“There are... things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.” Fyodor Dostoyevsky