Realms of the Soul

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 (Whether a sudden awakening or a gradual process, it takes whatever it takes. It is time for forgiveness, to forgive each other, and ourselves, for humanity to forgive humanity.)

PART TWO

'Awakening'

The ineffable joy of forgiving and being forgiven forms an ecstasy that might well arouse the envy of the gods.”    Elbert Hubbard

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"City life is millions of people being lonesome together.” 

Henry David Thoreau

  The next morning Matthew got ready for work, wondering if he was doing the right thing, leaving his charge alone; he had some serious doubts but thought she deserved at least one chance. Toni got up as he was about to go, Matthew couldn’t resist a few last minute reminders.

“Don’t forget your key if you go out, my phone numbers are written on the notepad next to the phone. Take them with you in case you need something, no doubt you’ve lost the piece of paper I gave you before. You’ve got money….. wherever it came from.”

Toni just looked at him.

“I’m exaggerating, right.”

“I’m not saying anything.”

“Ok I’m going, see ya.” Matthew hesitated.

“See ya.”

“I don’t know what time I’ll be back.”

“No problem.”

“Well I guess I’ll go. Have a good day and stay out of trouble.”

“Sure, bye.”

  The door clicked shut and Toni breathed a sigh of relief. A part of her could understand why Matthew had his doubts; she knew she would almost certainly end up, in what he defined as, getting into trouble. She thought she would try to make an effort though, as she didn’t fancy the alternatives. The morning she could probably manage to spend at home and late afternoon she could go to the library for a couple of hours. She didn’t like being on the streets when it was dark so staying at home in the evening wasn’t a problem, that left a few hours after lunch. She couldn’t avoid going to a few old haunts though as she needed to keep in contact, to be aware of what was happening. She would just have to be extra careful to avoid Leo and his gang. If she arrived home with any more injuries, however slight, that would be it, and Leo never missed an opportunity to remind her who was boss.

  Toni tidied up the breakfast things as well as all the magazines that Matthew had thrown everywhere, then she had a look in his bookcase to see if there was anything that she fancied reading. She found an old history book but couldn’t concentrate; she thought it would have been easy to stay at home, at least for the morning, but she still wasn’t used to the stillness of the air. She gave up, put the key and the money in her inside zip pocket and went out. She wondered if the holidays had finished and looked for kids in the crowds, she saw enough to assume that they hadn’t. This gave her more freedom as no one would be wondering why she wasn’t at school, it also meant that she could hang around the library. There was a room full of computers, she would often wile away the hours playing games or browsing through Internet pages. This time she had something she wanted to look up: (she remembered her conversation with Simon about Matthew) the name of the town where he had lived with his family.

  After clicking through several pages of archives, Toni arrived at the front page of a Hamilton newspaper. ‘Mother and Son Killed by Drunk Driver’ read the headline. There was a picture of Matthew’s wife and son; it filled her with sadness and she felt the familiar knot in her stomach. She read the article, it was exactly how Simon had described, the girl who Matthew said he had lost touch with was also mentioned. She felt there was something missing, almost as if the story didn’t stop there, she was sure there was something more that Matthew and Simon hadn’t told her. If she had searched  another six months on she would have seen her own face staring out from the front page with the words: ‘Have You Seen This Girl?’ Maybe she would have discovered the something that she felt was missing. Reading the article for the fourth time, Toni felt all the old feelings of melancholy returning: the sadness that was locked inside once again surfaced; she didn’t feel complete. She searched inside for an answer, all she found was a strange feeling that she couldn’t define.

   Toni left the library, thinking to go back later, she decided to spend the afternoon in the park, at least there nothing out of the ordinary usually happened. She would have another book reading session later and that would be her day almost finished— without any of Matthew’s  feared ‘getting into trouble’ she hoped.

  The day passed and Toni arrived home early evening; there was no Matthew, she hadn’t really expected him to be there but she would have liked some company. She put the TV on, then thought again and turned it off. She opened the window and looked down at the people running around like ants, everyone with somewhere to go and something to do. Each carrying in their heads their own little world that might or might not have slotted so easily into the wider sphere of life. Nobody knew what went on in someone else’s mind for sure, everyone had a different view of life, but as she looked down it seemed that everything was in order and at least that evening there would be no surprises. The world inside her head had no place in this apparently perfect world below: she knew too much; she had witnessed too much. She had always wanted to make a difference: to change something. But she too, had felt lost and desperate; she too, had been swallowed by fear, the fear of not being able to make it in a world that took no prisoners. She didn’t need the statistics written in magazines and newspapers to know that people suffered, that the so-called ‘crime rate’ was increasing, that more and more children were becoming victims of violence, she had seen it and she had felt it. Statistics didn’t portray the sadness in the eyes of children, the desperation of the parents for not being able to provide a better life for their offspring. The statistics stopped when the newspaper was closed, the pictures ceased to exist when the page of the magazine was turned over. If you lived in the right place at the right time it could all be ignored and you could almost imagine that the world was a cool place to live.

  Matthew’s first day back at work was more eventful than he would have liked: after two weeks of fresh air and nature it was hard to start dealing with the darker side of city life, he felt that the day would never end. Just as he was about to leave, the person he had been trying to avoid all day found him.

“Ah Matthew, just the person. Now what’s all this I hear about you having a young guest at home?”

“Rosa, not today, I’m just about to go home. Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”

“I know when you’re avoiding me, come on, out with it, what’s the story? And why weren’t we notified, Social Services have to be brought in on cases like this; you know the rules.”

“I’ll be straight with you, if you lot get involved we lose her, she’ll run and I guarantee you, if she doesn’t want to be found then she won’t be. She’s been living rough for four years, she knows more about the street than any of us. Our only chance of finding out the truth is to gain her trust. If I hand her over to you, you won’t even have time to find the right form before she disappears down those side streets and dark alleyways again. Please Rosa, don’t blow it for me.”

“There’s more to this than you’re telling me Matthew,” she replied and looked at him for a moment, trying to decide what to do. “Why is she so important to you? You’ve never had an open house before.”

“Just give me some time, that’s all I ask.”

“Ok, ok. I’ll put your guest on the bottom of the pile.”

“Thanks Rosa, I owe you one.”

“I just hope I’m not going to regret it.”

Matthew breathed a sigh of relief as Rosa turned to talk to someone else; he left before she had a chance to change her mind.

  Toni heard the door open. Matthew came in looking tired and drawn, he looked at her and smiled. “Glad to see you’re still alive and kicking. Have you eaten?”

“No, I was just starting to think about it.”

“So what have you been up to all day?”

“Nothing in particular.”

Matthew sat on the sofa, he seemed distracted and his voice was strange, also he seemed a different person here in the city, more preoccupied and not, Toni thought, because of her. Maybe she had misjudged him, maybe he, too, felt what she felt and saw things she had seen. He had an expression that she recognised.

“What’s up?” she asked, moving onto the sofa next to him.

“Nothing, hard day at work, that’s all. It’s not easy getting back to things after two weeks at the beach; that’s part of the reason I don’t often take holidays. There’s too much of everything here; you should know that more than most.”

Toni knew exactly what he meant, he was right, there was too much of everything. She put her hand on top of his and gave it a squeeze, surprising even herself. Matthew looked at her and remembered all the times she had done the same in the weeks after the death of his wife and son; he smiled. Then, without warning, he pulled her down on the sofa and started to tickle her. Toni burst out in fits of giggles; she had an infectious laugh, and soon they were rolling around laughing together.

  The next few weeks passed in very much the same way; Matthew and Toni enjoyed each other’s company, Matthew didn’t ask any awkward questions, Toni kept out of trouble and life went smoothly. During this time something was developing between them, a bond that had been formed years ago. Toni found comfort and security with Matthew but a part of her was worried about her becoming dependent on him, caring for him, trusting him, only to have it all taken away, so she always held back a little. Her fear of being hurt stopped her from living fully but she couldn’t overcome it. Despite her preoccupations they played together, laughed together and slowly started to get on with their lives together, anyone watching them would have assumed that they were father and daughter. However, Toni’s keeping out of trouble wasn’t exactly as Matthew had intended; Toni defined trouble as actually getting caught doing something that someone else thought was wrong. Every so often she would meet her friend Billy and would steal a purse or wallet if he needed some money being careful not to go home with any extra cash in her pocket, as Matthew always gave her some for expenses during the day. It was a period of relative calm for Toni and her friend, they would pass time together after Billy came out of school, walking, talking and playing, forgetting their problems for a while. As long as Billy’s mother had the means to feed her habit she left her son in peace.

Toni stayed out of Leo’s way; she seemed to have a sixth sense as far as his gang were concerned. “It’s almost as if you can smell them, but I don’t think you have to worry about Leo too much,” Billy had commented once after a narrow escape. She hadn’t really understood what he meant, but she had let it pass. She also managed to stay out of Matthew’s way when she was with Billy, how, she could never understand. In those early days when she had stolen his wallet she hadn’t been able to avoid him, he seemed to pop up everywhere, now she hadn’t seen him once during working hours. She was glad though, somehow her two worlds didn’t fit together; it was difficult having them co-existing in her head, and what Matthew represented on the street was the other side.

  Winter was approaching fast, days got shorter and nights got colder. Toni was grateful for Matthew’s cosy home and every time she entered in the evening she thought of the places she had slept in the past, the nights she had spent shivering, the times she had been ill, which luckily for her, were few. She would think of those who hadn’t been lucky like her, the people nobody wanted, the bodies under layers of cardboard trying to keep warm, trying to survive just one night, and then just one more night again. She had found an exit but was finding it difficult to go through the door and close it behind her; she didn’t want to become separated from what she had known for so long, from what she was used to. The street had a kind of honesty: you knew where you were; there were certain rules to follow; life was tough but you knew it and just got on with it as it was. This other world was full of images, things that weren’t real, reading between the lines, somehow she felt she was being sucked in and she was afraid of losing what she had become and turning into one of them. She didn’t feel comfortable around people in that world, she felt at ease only with Matthew and Simon. They had once visited a family, friends of Matthew’s. There was a girl her own age; she hadn’t known what to say, everyone had been very friendly, but she had felt awkward, an extra. She hadn’t understood anything, the small talk, the chatting and couldn’t forget herself long enough to pretend. In the car on the way back she had turned to Matthew and said, “I’ll never be like that girl.”

“You don’t have to be like anyone, you only have to be yourself,” he had replied, but she didn’t know who she was in their world, she didn’t know where she fitted in.

  So time passed, Toni enjoyed the peace, but she knew it wouldn’t last forever, nothing ever did.

  It was a cold December afternoon, Toni was looking for a victim, she had arranged to meet Billy later, but this time luck wasn’t on her side. As she lifted a purse from a woman’s pocket the woman turned round quickly and grabbed her arm, screaming that she was being mugged. Two policemen appeared as if from nowhere and took hold of Toni. There was no escape, although she did try the usual series of kicks, bites and punches, but they had her. There was nothing she could do and very soon found herself being escorted into the station; one of the officers disappeared for a moment while the other made sure she didn’t go anywhere. She tried to think of a possible way out of the situation. The policeman reappeared and she was led into a room, as she walked through the door she saw Matthew standing by the table in the centre of the room.

“She’s all yours, be careful she bites,” one said, then the two officers left. Toni looked at Matthew, waiting for him to start blowing off steam; her stomach was churning. She knew she had let him down. On the street she hadn’t felt the slightest bit of guilt but now, standing in front of him, she felt ashamed; she had betrayed his trust. The silence was unbearable, if he had started shouting and screaming at her she would have felt better, but he didn’t even raise his voice.

“Sit down,” he said finally, she sat down without a word. “This time you were lucky, but if it happens again I can’t get you off the hook and I wouldn’t even try.” He was calm. “I’m not going to ask you why, or how long it’s been going on, or why you needed the money, because I know you won’t tell me or you’ll make up some ridiculous story and expect me to believe it. You can wait here until I finish work. Don’t try and run off, I’m putting someone on the door.” He left.

  Toni couldn’t have felt worse. She sat alone in the room with her thoughts: Billy needed some money, she had let him down too, she hoped he had got some stashed for emergencies. No one came; she didn’t care, she didn’t want to see anyone, least of all Matthew. She had been sitting there for what seemed like hours when the door opened and in walked Simon with a drink. He sat opposite her.

“You blew it this time kid.” He wasn’t smiling but there was a hint of sympathy in his voice.

“Yeah in more ways than one,” she said thinking of Billy and what might be happening within four walls somewhere in the city.

“Come on, Matthew has to work late. I’m taking you home.”

“I don’t want to go,” she mumbled, sipping the drink.

“Well where do you want to go?”

“Don’t know.” She thought for a while, Simon watched her.

“You’re feeling lost right?”

“A bit. Will you take me somewhere, if I promise to behave?”

“Ok.”

  They drove through the city to one of the lost and forgotten parts where Toni had often slept. “Can we stop here?”

Simon pulled over, Toni got out and started walking towards one of the abandoned buildings, she went in. A cold wind whistled through the broken windows and doors, for this reason it wasn’t a place used by street people. Toni had adopted the building, it was so uninviting that no one would have gone there; there were other, slightly warmer places to go and sleep. Simon followed her inside; she entered a room, a blanket lay scrunched up in a corner. “I used to sleep here, not always, it’s dangerous to always sleep in the same place, this was one of the buildings I used,” she said, speaking in a straightforward, matter-of-fact voice, not wanting to evoke sympathy or pity. “Now I sleep in my own room in a big, comfortable bed with covers, windows with thick glass that shut out all the sound of the city. The two worlds are so different, too different, I feel like I’m on a bridge between the two and I don’t know which one to go into.” Simon looked at Toni’s corner; he could hear the city far off in the distance and he tried to imagine sleeping in such a place; he couldn’t.

“You don’t belong here kid, no one does.”

“Some people don’t have a choice.”

“But you do, make sure you make the right one.”

“I can’t abandon everything I know for a comfortable box,” she replied, she was of course talking about Matthew’s apartment. “Your world is made up of things to put yourselves in: apartments, houses, cars.”

“Come on, you’re exaggerating. You haven’t spent all your life here, you, too, lived like us once. You’re starting to sound like you’ve just landed from Mars.”

“I’ve never lived like you, believe me, and you’re right I do feel like an alien in your world.”

“But once it was your world, too.”

“A long time ago, almost a lifetime.”

“Have you spoken to Matthew about how you feel?”

“No, he takes everything I say or do so personally. I sometimes wonder what’s going to be the end of all this. When I look at that corner I don’t know if I could ever come back and survive like I used to if it came to it; things have gone too far.”

“Well maybe it won’t ever come to it.”

“But a part of me is here, part of my life still belongs here.” She thought of Billy. “I can’t let go.”

“It just takes time that’s all,” Simon reassured her.

“I don’t know if I want to let go, I don’t know if I want to live in your world. I don’t want to become like the people I see running back and forth from their offices every day, ignoring what they have around them.”

“You don’t have to become like anyone, you only have to be yourself; you don’t have to change.”

“That’s what Matthew said but things change, everything changes. All of a sudden everything is different, I feel like an outsider.”

“On the street, do you feel you belong?”

“I did.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well maybe it’s time to move on.”

“But I can’t,” she said, thinking of Billy. “I can’t turn my back on all that’s happened here.”

“You are lost, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what I am.”

She turned and walked back to the car, Simon followed, feeling inadequate beside her. They arrived back home. Toni went straight into her bedroom, opened the window and lay down on her big, comfortable bed, she wasn’t sleepy but she preferred to stay in her room rather than face Matthew. After about an hour she was still in the same position; she heard the front door and then voices for about twenty minutes; she imagined Simon relaying their conversation, heard the front door close, then silence. She knew she was in trouble, with Matthew because she had tried to steal a purse, and with herself as she had got caught and let Billy down. All this was made worse by Matthew’s apparent calmness; he didn’t even come and knock on her door. She got up, wanting to talk to him but not really knowing what she wanted to say. She couldn’t apologise it wouldn’t mean anything as she knew it wouldn’t be the last time; she still had to sort out her friend and she knew who he would turn to if she didn’t help him. She didn’t want him to end up going one way down a dead end street.

  Matthew was sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper, he looked up, Toni sat down on the sofa.

“Are you angry?” she asked him.

“No. I’m actually quite surprised you lasted so long without getting caught doing something you shouldn’t,” he said, putting the paper down.

“You don’t think much of me do you?” Toni looked him in the eye as she spoke.

“I wouldn’t say that. If you’ve been picking pockets all this time, which you probably have, you must be very good as this is the first time you’ve been caught. What are you saving up for?”

“You’re not being fair, you don’t know anything.”

“I don’t know anything because you don’t tell me anything.” There was a short silence. “Is there something you have to tell me?”

“No.”

“That’s what I thought.” He picked up his paper and continued to read.

Toni stared at the back page that had replaced Matthew’s face; there was a part of her crying out ‘yes, yes, I want to tell you everything,’ but the voice inside was a silent one.

“I’m going to bed,” she announced.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“No.”

  Toni spent the night more awake than asleep: worrying about Billy, reliving parts of her past and feeling sorry for having let Matthew down. In the morning, he knocked on her door.

“Time to get up.”

“Get up for what?” she mumbled from under the covers.

“You’re coming with me this morning.”

“What?”

“You heard. You’ve got ten minutes and then we’re leaving.” Toni yawned, wondering what she was going to do about Billy, she had to get some money to him. She got dressed and had just enough time to grab something to eat before Matthew pushed her out of the door.

“You don’t look so good this morning, didn’t you sleep well?”

“I wouldn’t have slept at all if I’d have known where you were dragging me this morning,” Matthew laughed. “Well at least there’s not much chance of you getting up to anything in the middle of a police station.” He put his arm round her shoulder. “Come on.”

  Toni’s only thought was for Billy and how she was going to get out of this mess. She knew at some point during the day she would have to disappear, whatever the consequences, but she knew Matthew would be watching her. She also knew that he wouldn’t spend all day at the station and doubted if he would take her with him on a call. Her opportunity came just after lunch. Matthew and Simon had to go out, she was sure with her two babysitters out of the way her escape would be easy.

“What are you going to do with Fagin’s apprentice?” Simon asked, grinning when he saw Matthew open a drawer and pull out a pair of handcuffs. “You wouldn’t.”

“What are those for?” Toni asked.

“You’re just about to find out,” he responded, and without further discussion Matthew handcuffed her to the chair.

“Now it won’t be so easy to go walkabout. Here’s something to read.” He placed a book on the desk.

“I’ll alert front desk to look out for an escaping teenager attached to a chair,” Simon joked.

“What if there’s a fire, how’d I get out?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll give him the key.” Matthew nodded towards the officer at the next desk.

“What if I have to answer the call of nature?”

“I’ll tell one of my female officers to look after you, ok.”

“No it’s not ok.”

“See ya later.”

They left. The officer at the next desk was smiling.

“What are you smiling at?” Toni snapped at him. She looked down at her hand, it would take more than a pair of handcuffs to keep her here. She picked up the book and pretended to read, then taking a paperclip began to play absentmindedly with it, stretching it out. The officer was frantically tapping his keyboard, too busy to notice what she was doing. She had no trouble picking the lock on the handcuffs and released herself from the chair, the handcuff on her wrist was blocked so she left it in place not wanting to draw attention by forcing it undone. Now all she had to do was to wait for her new babysitter to get up for something. Matthew had gone off in such a rush that he had left his wallet under some papers. Toni didn’t miss a thing, at least if she only borrowed his money and wrote an IOU no one could accuse her of breaking the law. She didn’t have to wait long, the officer soon got up and went into a room at the end of the hall. Without being too obvious and moving too quickly she opened Matthew’s wallet and took a few notes, she wrote an IOU, and placed it in the wallet. The photograph was still there, the photograph that had started it all, but she didn’t have time to ponder. She tucked the handcuffs inside her sleeve, still attached to her wrist, got up calmly and walked out as if it were nothing. She knew Matthew wouldn’t be very happy but she didn’t have a choice.

  Toni headed for Billy’s school; she arrived just in time to see the doors open, a wave of school children surged forward. She looked for Billy among the crowd; he was always one of the last and always on his own; she saw him straggling behind the main group and waved. His face lit up and he ran up to her.

“Hi! What happened, where did you disappear to yesterday?”

“I’m afraid the worst happened and I got caught. What about you? How was she when you turned up with nothing. Did you have any stashed away?”

“She found the money I’d hidden last week.”

“You never said; why didn’t you say anything?”

“It’s my business.”

“So did she get mad?” He didn’t answer which to Toni meant only one thing. She gave him the money she had taken from Matthew’s wallet.

“You’re gonna get it from your cop for this, aren’t you?”

“That’s my business,” Toni said, smiling at her friend. “Listen Billy, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get more money at least for the next few days. They’re really on my back now, they even handcuffed me to a chair earlier so I wouldn’t run off, not that it did them much good.” They laughed as Toni waved the handcuffs around. “If I don’t take them back they’ll probably accuse me of stealing them too,” she said, and pushed them back up her sleeve. “I wish you’d let me do something more Billy.”

“You already do enough, more than you’ll ever know, just being my friend is all I need. I’ve got to go, my mother said I had to be home early this evening. Thanks for the money. See ya.”

“Bye.” She watched him walk off, then thought about what to do next. She wondered if Matthew would be as calm this time. It was fairly early and he would still be working, she thought about going home but the thought of having to wait for the consequences of what she had done didn’t appeal. She decided to go back to the station, if he wasn’t there maybe she could cover things up a bit.

  As Toni entered the building, the officer on the front desk gave her a strange look but said nothing, she climbed the stairs and stood at the entrance of the main room. Peering in, she couldn’t see Matthew or Simon. She took a deep breath and started walking towards Matthew’s desk. There was a general rumble of people working, slowly the rumble became softer and softer until all she could hear was muffled laughter. She realised that all eyes were on her. Matthew emerged from one of the rooms at the back; she noticed the sniggers of amusement as the handcuffs fell out of their hiding place. Matthew stopped as he saw her walking towards him, he didn’t look very happy; she sat down at his desk. Slowly everyone continued with what they had been doing and normality returned.

“I want to talk to you.” He took her hand and led her into a room, closing the door after him. They stood facing each other. Matthew threw his wallet down on the nearby table.

“I didn’t take everything and I left an IOU so you can’t accuse me of stealing.”

“Well how do you intend to pay it back?”

“Don’t know.”

“And what did you need it for?” This was what Matthew wanted to know, the problem wasn’t the money but what worried him was why she needed so much. “I want some answers.” He took hold of her arms, one after the other, rolling up her sleeves then looked into her eyes.

“You think I take drugs, you think the money was for drugs.” Toni was indignant.

“Well you tell me what I’m supposed to think.”

“You don’t have to think anything.”

“Stop playing games and tell me the truth. For once tell me the truth!” He was getting angry and Toni was getting nervous.

“Tell me why you needed the money.”

“No.”

“Tell me what’s going on!” He raised his hand behind his head, a habit he had when he was about to lose his temper, instinctively Toni cowered and held up her arms for protection. Matthew was shocked by her reaction and stood staring at her in disbelief, he immediately felt his anger dissolve.

“You thought I was going to .....,” he didn’t finish the sentence. “Is that what he did, what your father did? Is that why you ran away?”

Toni sat down preparing for an onslaught of questions, instead Matthew said nothing, he sat down opposite and looked at her. “I’m sorry, I got angry but I’d never hit you.” Seeing Toni cowering like a frightened animal had made him feel like a sort of monster and his anger had turned into self-reproach. He realised that no display of temper, or angry words would ever get any answers out of her. Patience was the only way but he was used to rough criminals who only responded to threats; he wasn’t used to complicated teenagers. Matthew decided to let it go, after all what had she done, apart from making him an object of humour for the second time. When she had stolen his wallet he had put up with no end of comments from his colleagues about being mugged by a child and now the kid had slipped through his fingers, despite the handcuffs. He decided to see the funny side like everyone else seemed to; he looked at Toni and smiled. “What am I going to do with you? You know I’m going to find out what’s going on sooner or later, I guess I’m just going to have to be patient.”

“Can you take this metal bracelet off my wrist now then. I couldn’t get it off, it’s stuck.” Matthew laughed. “Do it yourself Houdini,” he said and threw her a paper clip.

  The next few days Matthew kept Toni under close observation, wherever he went she went too, when it was possible. Matthew didn’t want her witnessing some of the things that he had to and sometimes he had to leave her at the station with one of his officers. He knew she was extremely crafty and had serious doubts about whether his officers could keep her in one place. Toni was far from happy with the situation; she had Billy’s face consistently in her head, it had been almost a week since she had last seen him and in the end her loyalty to him won over. Early one Saturday afternoon she noticed Simon placing his wallet in the drawer of his desk, after a week without incident her two bodyguards had become more complacent. She waited for an opportunity and when it came she didn’t waste time. She emptied Simon’s wallet, this time with no IOU, and found a back exit.

"No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth." Robert Southey 

  Toni searched everywhere for her friend, she hoped desperately that he was all right, eventually she found him down an alleyway sitting on an old crate. She went over and lifted his head.

“My God, what’s she done this time? You can’t let it go on, you have to let me do something.” He had a black eye, she touched his shoulder and he winced. He’d been crying. “Billy come with me, don’t go back.”

“She’s my mother, I can’t abandon her, you don’t understand, she needs my help. You once told me we had to fight for what we believe in and I believe in my mother.”

“It was a long time ago I said that, I’m not so sure now, I’m not sure about anything. It breaks my heart to see you suffering.”

“I won’t leave her, she needs me.”

Toni could imagine all too well what his mother had probably said to him, she was used to emotional blackmail; a part of her also understood his loyalty, his sense of responsibility. What made a parent turn on their own child, their own flesh and blood? It was a question that haunted her.

“Here, take this money, give it to her for some drink,” she said and put the money in Billy’s hand. She knew it wasn’t the answer but it was all she could offer that he might accept. He gave it back to her.

“Keep it, we don’t need money anymore; everything’s going to be ok. My mother said that everything’s going to be ok now.” The tone of his voice made Toni nervous. She swung round suddenly as she saw a dark figure out of the corner of her eye, Leo.

“That’s all I need.” She turned back to face Billy.

“I have to go,” he said softly, standing up, “and, by the way, you don’t have to be afraid of him. That night they beat you up it was him who told me where you were and to go and help you. He made me swear not to say anything, but I don’t suppose it matters anymore. Goodbye Toni and thanks.” He walked off down the alleyway.

“Billy please,” she begged, “don’t go back.”

He didn’t hear or pretended not to, Toni was troubled, she felt as if something was about to happen. The way he said goodbye, it sounded so final, but Billy had already disappeared and she didn’t know what to do. She sensed Leo behind her and sat down on the ground waiting for the usual treatment; she didn’t care, she was sick of running, sick of being afraid.

“Do what you want and then leave me alone,” she said to him.

“Come on…..don’t be pathetic. Where’s your fighting spirit, this isn’t the Toni I know and love.”

“I’m not in the mood for games.”

“It’s no fun if you don’t put up a fight. Tell Uncle Leo your problem.”

Toni ignored him; he sat down next to her. “You know I’ve always admired you, it takes a lot to take on someone like me the way you did.”

“You’ve got a strange way of showing admiration.”

“Well I couldn’t let you get away with it and lose face. You broke the rules, I had to make an example out of you.”

“You nearly killed me: you beat me up and cut my back, then left me in a corner to rot.”

“I had to give the boys something to get their teeth into, the cuts were only superficial.”

“It was agony and they left their mark.”

“Everyone carries around marks, scars, a sort of diary of life. It wasn’t so bad, no bones were broken; if I’d let the boys loose on you it would’ve been worse you know. They hate you, you humiliated them with the other gangs. You humiliated me too but that’s not important, no one would dare laugh in my face, only you, huh? If I slap you around a bit every now and then it’s for your own protection.”

“Protection? Is that a new word for physical abuse?”

“It keeps them happy; they’d kill you, or at least leave so many bones broken the doctors wouldn’t know what to glue back to what.”

“Oh so now I’m supposed to be grateful to you.”

Leo laughed. “You’d better not tell anyone we’re having this conversation, I’ve got a reputation to keep up and it doesn’t involve protecting scrawny, street kids like you. Wasn’t that the boy you risked life and limb for? He’s a smart kid but with a lot of problems, lives Eastside by the railway, mother’s an alcoholic.”

“You know where he lives?”

“Don’t you?”

“Not exactly.”

“He lives above that bar, Blue Note, thought you knew everything.”

“We have an understanding not to get too involved in each other’s life.”

“Well you certainly got yourself involved in his when you first showed your face in these parts.”

“You shouldn’t let kids do your dealing for you, most of them end up addicts.”

“I provide a service, they need money, where else can they get it so easily? You know how it is, survival of the fittest. Don’t give me a lecture on morals, morals don’t exist here. There necessity exists and nothing else. Your Billy needed money, I helped him get it and when he wasn’t getting it from me you gave it to him. Where did you get it? You stole it. So don’t talk to me about morality.”

Toni had never thought of it like that. Leo saw the troubled look on her face.

“Don’t take it so hard, here on the streets no one wins. Listen, don’t say anything to anyone of what I said. Go back to your policeman friend, you’ll be safe with him, and stay out of my way.” He walked off.

  Toni thought how strange life was, how people were, all this time he had been protecting her from a major beating from his boys—if what he had said was true—but she had no reason not to believe him. She was convinced he was being honest. It struck her how difficult it was to understand people: what they had inside, who they were and what they stood for. It wasn’t all black and white, good and bad, everything was mixed, confused and complicated. Her thoughts turned once again to Billy; she didn’t know what to do, he had never wanted her anywhere near where he lived; she had never met his mother. When they had spent time together, they had tried not to think about their problems; they hadn’t wanted their friendship to be tainted by the outside world. She made her way back home, her head full of thoughts of Billy. The money she had stolen from Simon’s wallet seemed to be burning in her pocket. Matthew would be furious. She arrived home and threw herself on the sofa.

  It was late in the evening when Toni heard Matthew’s key in the door. He walked into the lounge.

“You’ve got some explaining to do, sit up.”

Toni remained where she was.

“I’m not in the mood for one of your question and answer sessions. I didn’t need the money, here.” She took the screwed up notes from her pocket, reached out and put them on the table. She felt herself getting angry, not with Matthew, but with herself and her own inability to change anything. She got up to go out, she couldn’t face a shouting match.

“You’re not leaving this apartment until you’ve told me exactly what’s going on. I’ve been patient, I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt. Now I want the truth.”

“You have no authority over me, I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“While you’re here under my roof, I have the right to know why you have to steal.”

“Well, we can soon sort that one out,” she walked towards the door. “I’m off back to the hole I crawled out of, thanks for the hospitality.”

Matthew placed himself between Toni and her only exit.”

“I told you, you’re not going anywhere.”

They stood looking at each other for a while, then Toni retreated to her bedroom. She lay on the bed weary from thinking, from her emotions, she thought she would wait until things had calmed down a bit, until Matthew was asleep, then go and find Billy; he wouldn’t want her to go to his home but things had gone too far. It was getting late, Toni was exhausted but knew she couldn’t sleep. She tried to resist as her eyes got heavier; she tried not to give in as her whole body shut down for the night. She couldn’t fight it, her eyes closed, haunting piano music drifted into her mind, The Sad Dream by Rick Wakeman. As the music unfolded she saw herself with Billy, she relived the four years of life they had shared, their lives through all the seasons of the city, in the bitter cold and burning heat, the joy and sorrow, the laughter and the tears.

  

  Toni slept a long and heavy sleep, then as she began to surface in the morning she found herself in a dream: she was with Billy, they were sailing in a big ship, it was just like a scene out of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the fifth book of The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis. They had enjoyed many wonderful adventures and were heading towards another world where all dreams came true. The ocean was clear, the sky stretched into the distance. Toni looked at Billy, he was different, his face was shining with happiness. He was smiling, the smile that she loved so much. He took her hand.

“You have to go back.” Billy’s voice was soft and reassuring.

“But I want to stay with you, we can go into the beyond together.”

“You have to go back; you haven’t finished what you set out to do.”

“Billy don’t leave me, I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“There are no goodbyes, I’m not leaving you, we’ll always be together. Listen to the song Toni, it’s for you, The Snows Of New York, remember? You told me you liked it once, you said you loved Chris De Burgh’s songs. This is my message to you from the end of the world.”

 Toni woke up suddenly, a single tear ran down her cheek, she was afraid of what she had understood from the dream. She heard Matthew in the kitchen and glanced at the clock by her bed; it was morning. She couldn’t believe she had slept all night; she jumped up and went into the lounge where Matthew was waiting for her.

“You look like something the cat dragged in. Come on, you’re coming with me. We’ve still got some unfinished business, remember.” He put a piece of toast in her hand and pushed her out of the door. “Hurry up I’m late.”

Toni felt confused and was having trouble getting her thoughts together. While Matthew drove he spoke on his phone, refusing to be interrupted, they were soon at the police station and Toni found herself sitting once again at his desk. “Now where did we get to last night?”

“Matthew, I need to talk to you about Billy, you remember, my friend.”

“And I need to talk about the money you stole from Simon’s wallet.”

“The money was for him, for Billy, please listen there’s not much time,” Toni pleaded. Just at that moment Simon came over, there was urgency in his voice.

“There’s a problem Eastside, above that piano bar on the corner, we have to go.”

Toni’s ears pricked up and she got to her feet.

“You stay here, I’ll talk to you later,” Matthew ordered.

“I’m coming.”

“I said stay here, don’t complicate things.”

“And I said I’m coming.” There was no time to argue.

  The car ride seemed to take forever, Toni felt her stomach turning over with anxiety. Finally they arrived, Matthew told her to stay in the car but she jumped out before anyone could stop her. She saw a police officer enter a building and followed him. As she reached the top of the stairs she looked down the corridor, one of the doors was open, the others were closed. People were hiding, afraid of questions, afraid of having to admit that they were guilty of doing nothing.

  Toni took a deep breath and went through the door. There on the bed lay Billy and his mother wrapped in each other’s arms. Both were white, all the colour drained from their faces, before anyone could stop her she went over to her friend and took his hand, it was still and cold, there was no life left. On the table were two empty glasses. The unimaginable had happened; she felt a lump in her throat; her eyes stung with tears that wouldn’t fall. She wanted to cry, she wanted to let everything out but she couldn’t; she felt she had let Billy down, at the very least he deserved her tears. She stared at the two bodies. She felt sick and was shaking with a mix of grief and anger, anger at the world and herself for permitting this to happen. By this time Matthew had entered the room, he recognised the boy, suddenly realising where all the missing money had gone. Toni couldn’t believe the scene in front of her eyes.

“I fell asleep, I fucking fell asleep when I should’ve been going to him. I would’ve been in time, I could’ve saved him. How could I? I was sleeping and he was dying.”

Guilt overwhelmed her, maybe if she had done something more. She remembered her dream, he had come to say goodbye. All she could think about was that he was in his pyjamas. He should have been safe, all children should be safe in their pyjamas, something so personal, so intimate. There was a horrible smell in the room, it was the smell of suffering, of sadness and of death. She had to get out; she turned and left the room.

  As she walked pictures flashed through her mind of a woman and a boy in a car, the car was almost destroyed, the woman and the boy both dead, squashed inside the tangled wreckage, the same smell of death. She saw herself standing beside the wreck next to a man, he was on his knees calling out two names—the man was Matthew. Toni ran outside and breathed the fresh air but the putrid smell of death seemed to be stuck in her nostrils. The images were still flashing through her mind, a loud noise, shouts, running down the drive, the woman and the boy, squashed, unrecognisable. Where did it all come from? She sat on some steps, she was sweating, then it hit her, the realisation that the images were a memory, a distant memory of that part of her life she had forgotten. She was unaware of how long she had been sitting on the steps and was jolted back to reality when an ambulance arrived; she moved aside to let the medics into the building. Some time after they came out again carrying a stretcher, there was a small body underneath a white sheet. They stopped to put the stretcher in the ambulance, Toni pulled back the sheet uncovering Billy’s face, someone said something to her that she ignored. He looked at peace, he was almost smiling. She felt Matthew’s hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry Toni.”

She didn’t say anything, there was nothing to say. She felt numb. A second stretcher came out, she wanted to hate the body under the sheet but Billy hadn’t hated her, in spite of everything he hadn’t hated her. He had never said a bad word about his mother, he had been too good. Despite everything she had to go back in, she turned round.

 “No Toni,” Matthew said gently.

“I have to take another look, I have to understand why.” Her voice was strained.

“I want the answers too but maybe, just sometimes, there is no why.”

“But there has to be a reason, what makes a parent do that to their own child?”

She pushed past and went back, Matthew followed, knowing he couldn’t stop her. Inside, the same stifling smell filled her senses; there were empty bottles everywhere, it wasn’t a home, it was just one big, squalid room. Billy’s life had happened within these four walls, this had been Billy’s world. Matthew was right there were no answers here, maybe there were simply no answers anywhere. She sat on the floor, if only she could cry it might bring some relief but all she could do was sit and stare at the bed and imagine the two bodies wrapped in each other’s arms, both desperate for something they couldn’t find.

“Toni come on, I’ll take you home.”

She got up. “It’s my fault, I should’ve done more, he wouldn’t let me, I should’ve insisted, I should’ve tried harder.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Matthew said, taking hold of her. “You can’t take responsibility for the suffering of others. My God, you’re only fourteen, you’re still a child, what blame have you got?”

He knew he was partly responsible for her guilty conscience after the things he had said to her the night she disappeared.

“It’s us, we’re the ones to blame, we’re the ones at fault, not you, it’s the society that we’ve built not you.” Whatever he said, it didn’t make her guilt go away, she stared at him, images ran through her head, the smell of death stuck in her nostrils.

“Matthew,” she whispered, “Mum…Timothy……,” she paused, “Mum….Timothy…,” she repeated the words as if she couldn’t believe what she was remembering. As she concentrated the memories became clearer. Matthew looked at her as she spoke, he saw by her expression that she was remembering something. The memories came flooding into Toni’s mind, everything started to make sense: the way Matthew looked at her, some of the things he had said, why he had taken her in. She didn’t just remind him of someone, she was that someone. From the look on her face Matthew could see that she had finally remembered. Toni looked directly in his eyes.

“You knew, you knew all along and you said nothing, you said nothing,” she said accusingly.

“Toni let me explain….I…..”

“No, don’t say anything.” She stared at the empty bottles and remembered the evenings that Matthew had spent with a bottle for company. He could imagine what she was thinking.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Toni wasn’t listening, she took one more look around the room and walked out. She had too much in her head and she had to be on her own. Everything had happened at once. Billy was dead, how could it have happened? How was it possible? How was it possible that once she had been part of a family but by some cruel twist of fate she had found herself with a man, her father, who had the capacity only to hate and hurt others. She found herself outside and took a deep breath, trying to rid herself of the suffocating smell. She sensed Matthew behind her but had no desire to talk, she turned to him.

“I need some time to think,” she said, then she walked off.

  Given the circumstances Matthew was reluctant to let her go wandering off alone but he knew that she didn’t want him around. He glanced at Simon.

“She’s remembered everything, she knows who I am and who she is. Go with her, don’t leave her on her own, try and get her to go home. I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”

“Poor kid, so much in one day.”

  Simon caught up with Toni but she was so lost in her thoughts that she was oblivious to his presence. Ten minutes passed in silence. Toni’s world, already upside down, had once again been twisted and turned around; she felt as if a bomb had gone off in her head.

“Come on kid, let’s go home.”

“I suppose you knew too.”

“Yes, I knew. Matthew had his reasons for not saying anything, he thought it was important that you remembered first.”

“It doesn’t matter, I wouldn’t have believed him anyway. Billy should never have died like that, he was so young, he deserved better than he got.” Her voice was shaking, her mind jumped from one thing to another. She didn’t know what to deal with first, her new memory with all its anguish or her dead friend. She stopped and sat down where she was, her back up against a wall; she put her head in her hands and closed her eyes wishing it was all just one of her nightmares. Simon crouched down next to her, not knowing what to say, afraid of her reaction to all that she had to take in at once.

“It’s time to go home,” he said, and took her trembling hand.

“Leave me alone, you don’t understand, I lost everything back then, my brother, my mother and then Matthew and I didn’t remember, I didn’t remember for all that time; now I’ve lost Billy too.” She hurt inside, a pain she hadn’t felt since the day of the accident. It hurt worse than anything she had felt before; it hurt more than hunger, than being cold, than a beating. Simon looked at her: she was pale, there were dark rings under her eyes, eyes full of the pain of loss.

“I’m taking you home.” This time he insisted, stopped a taxi and within no time they were back at Matthew’s apartment.

  Toni felt bewildered, adrift in a rough sea, alone, being thrown from one side to the other. Simon made a drink but she just stared at it, trying to make sense of Billy’s death, the death of her mother and Timothy, of life with her father.

“Toni, talk to me, sometimes it helps to talk.”

It was as if he had said nothing, there was no response. An hour passed, the same expression, the same silence. Toni was so lost and confused that she didn’t know who or what to think about. She went back to the accident and relived Matthew’s despair and her own helplessness, she started thinking aloud.

“I watched him destroying himself and there was nothing I could do, he’d lost his wife and his son.”

“And you’d lost your mother and your brother,” Simon reminded her.

“But it was me who knocked everything on the floor, it was me who insisted on staying at home. Mum wanted to take me with her, not Timmy; it should’ve been me in the car not my brother. Then he would’ve still had his son. Matthew made my mother so happy, and Timothy, he was the sweetest kid.” The words fell from her lips after years of suppression. She remembered everything as if it were only yesterday, all the grief that she had never let out. She had gone round in a circle, after years of hiding from her memories she had gone nowhere, emotionally she was back where she started. While Toni was pouring her heart out to Simon, Matthew came home unheard; he stood in the hall listening.

“I tried so hard to comfort him but the only comfort he could find was in a bottle, I felt so useless. I would’ve given anything to have died instead of them,” she paused, “I missed my mother and my brother so much.” She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “And I missed him, I missed Matthew, I felt like I’d lost him too. I felt so alone. It was all my fault, Matthew was right, it was all my fault.”

  Matthew felt her despair, he remembered how she had tried to comfort him, how he had turned his back on her. He had tortured himself for years over what had happened, over what he had done and hadn’t done, but hearing Toni’s words, her desperation, he felt his heart being ripped apart. They had gone back in time to the night that Toni had disappeared, it was then that their relationship had been put on hold and it was there that they had to begin again.

  Matthew went into the lounge. Toni looked up, he saw pain and confusion in her face and was worried sick that she hated him. Simon left them alone, whatever had to be said was for them only.

“I didn’t mean what I said that night Toni. I was drunk and angry at the world for taking away two people that I loved, I took it out on you, I was wrong. I looked for you everywhere for days and days, months and months but I couldn’t find you. What happened? Where did you go?”

Toni didn’t answer, everything had happened too quickly. She remembered how they had argued, Matthew was drunk and had told her to get out of his sight and she had refused. She had wanted a reaction from him: she was fed up with his listlessness; for months he had just sat around, either drunk or recovering from a hangover in a world of complete silence. She had pushed and pushed until he snapped. He had screamed at her to get out, to leave him alone, that it was all her fault. As she remembered, she felt her heart break in two just as it did that night, the emotions of the past had caught up with her. After Matthew had screamed at her she had run to the embankment near the railway and sat in the rain for about an hour thinking, then she decided to go home, she had slipped and vaguely remembered falling. Then she remembered waking up in bed, a man was standing over her saying that he was her father and that she had fallen and hurt her head. At first she had thought it strange, something didn’t feel quite right but she did have a feeling that she knew him. She couldn’t remember anything so she had to believe him.

  Toni’s head seemed to be shattering into pieces; she had to be on her own to think, to get things straight; she didn’t want to say anything to anyone. She got up and went into her bedroom. A few minutes later there was a knock.

“Toni we need to talk.”

“I have to be on my own, please leave me alone.”

Matthew reluctantly did as he was asked.

  Toni lay on her bed, she remembered when her father had first introduced himself to her a short while after her mother died. He would wait for her everyday after school, buy her presents and take her for ice cream; she hadn’t told anyone. She didn’t think Matthew would have been interested and there was no one else to tell. He had actually seemed nice enough, he could certainly turn on the charm when he wanted to. She had believed him when he told her that he was her father: he showed her photos, she was very young in the pictures, and he even had her birth certificate. He must have been watching the house, seen her leave and followed her, waiting for an opportunity. Well he couldn’t have had a better one if he had planned it himself.

He must have known Matthew would look for her. She had a vague memory of her father cutting her hair, but then if he was her father she wondered why he had done everything in such an underhand manner. Why hadn’t he just made his claim with her birth certificate and a lawyer? She remembered how they had started travelling, moving around from place to place and slowly she began to see him as he really was, an opportunist: sly and evil. For the millionth time she thought about all the beatings she had taken from him without protest, all the things he had made her do with his friends and she felt ashamed; how could she ever tell Matthew what had happened. He would want to know why she had run away, he would want to know everything; how could she ever face him or anyone else. Her father had always told her that she was a nobody who didn’t deserve any happiness. How could she ever have thought that staying with Matthew would work?

  Toni was tired and drained of energy but she knew she wouldn’t sleep, she hadn’t even bothered getting into her pyjamas; she couldn’t empty her head of images of the past, of Billy. How much she wanted to sleep, sleep peacefully with a clear mind but her thoughts were always the same, the same dreams and the same nightmares. Hours passed, she knew there was only one thing to do: she would have to leave, if she left she could forget and the pain would go. She walked quietly into the lounge where Matthew had fallen asleep on the sofa; she took enough money for a bus ticket to nowhere, nothing more, and taking one more look at Matthew, left without a sound.

“Sometimes, only one person is missing, and the whole world seems depopulated.”

                                                                                               Alphonse de Lamartine

  When Toni arrived at the bus station it was five in the morning. She bought an open ticket, not knowing where she wanted to go, and sat down on a bench. Every so often a bus would arrive and then leave and Toni would remain sitting on her bench; she couldn’t bring herself to make the final step, to leave everything behind. Images of the last few months of her life rolled around her head, the voices of Matthew and Simon echoed in her ears, thoughts wandered through her mind. It was almost nine, another bus came along. She decided it was now or never; she stood up and pulled the ticket from her pocket. The door of the bus opened, a few people got on, then it was her turn, the driver looked at her and she looked at him.

“Are you getting on?.........Well.......... Yes or no?”

“No,” Toni answered and the doors closed. The bus pulled away and revealed Matthew, standing on the opposite side of the road. Their eyes met and they held each other’s gaze, feeling all the emotions moving back and forth along the invisible lines that connected them. Matthew crossed over.

“Don’t go, Toni, don’t leave me again,” he said, his voice was shaking, with relief that he had found her, with fear that she hated him. Seeing him made Toni realise just how much he meant to her: she didn’t want to forget him.

“I’ve been sitting here for hours thinking, I wanted to run away, run away from everything and pretend that it just didn’t happen, that it was all just another nightmare, but I can’t. I just wanted to forget, forget everything like I did before, but it doesn’t work, forgetting just makes the remembering more difficult. I’m sorry for Mum and for Timmy, it was all my fault, if I .....”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Matthew interrupted, “if anyone was at fault it was the driver of the car. Your mother and Timothy were in the wrong place at the wrong time.” He wished he could convince himself.

“But you said it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been so clumsy. You said it was all my fault and you were right.”

Matthew remembered every word, since that night he had repeated them so many times in his head, it wasn’t her he blamed but himself. He had placed his guilt on her and she had carried it all this time.

“I didn’t mean what I said; I was drunk and wallowing in self-pity. I had no right to say what I did.” Matthew realised how with just a few words you could destroy someone’s life. Toni recalled leaving the house and running down the road in the rain.

“I intended to come back that night, I only left to be on my own for a bit, just as I decided to come home, I slipped and fell, I think I must have hit my head. When I woke up I remembered nothing. My father must have followed me.”

Toni looked deep into Matthew’s eyes and saw a mix of pain, remorse, sadness and guilt. She could never tell him everything: what her father did to her, the torment, the violence, the abuse, he would be devastated. She sat down on the same bench where she had spent the last few hours and Matthew sat next to her.

“What happened? Where did you go?”

Toni had no desire to talk about that part of her life and tried to make it as brief as possible. “When I woke up I was with my father.”

“You mean you knew it was him?”

“He seemed familiar, but I couldn’t remember. Now I remember before that night he was always hanging around, waiting for me, buying me ice cream and presents. In the end he told me he was my father, he showed me my birth certificate and photos of him and Mum. He even had a photo of the three of us, I was a baby.”

“But why didn’t you tell me?”

Toni didn’t want to say—because he was either in bed or drunk, so she didn’t answer. Matthew felt numb, he had driven her away from him and wrecked both their lives.

“So what happened? Why did you run away from him?”

He thought that maybe now she would tell him, but she didn’t.”

“We didn’t get on.”

“Just that, you didn’t get on.”

“Yes.” She didn’t want to explain further. “Matthew,” Toni said in a quiet voice, “it all hurts so much, now I know why I couldn’t remember. I didn’t want to, the pain is almost unbearable. It feels like it was all just yesterday.” As she said the word yesterday she thought of Billy. “Billy died yesterday.” A tear rolled down her cheek, others wanted to follow but she wouldn’t let them, she put her head back and closed her eyes for a moment, then turned to Matthew. “I feel like I’ve lost three people I loved in the space of a day. I feel like I’ve lost three and found one, I suppose I should be grateful for that.”

“Let’s go home, you’re freezing.”

Matthew was worried about her, she had so much to deal with. Toni felt as if she had a big hole inside that would never be filled. She remembered her dream and how happy Billy had looked, how they had held hands. She had left him behind. “Toni, come on, let’s go home,” Matthew repeated, but she didn’t seem to be listening. “You don’t look so good.”

  He had never seen her so pale, her eyes were full of the agony of losing a friend, full of sadness, and she looked so tired. As far as he knew she hadn’t eaten since the previous morning and then it had only been a piece of toast. He knew how easy it was to deteriorate when emotions took control. He put his arm around her.

Toni stared into space, her voice had a strange tone.

“I always felt there was something missing from my life that should’ve been there but I couldn’t work out what it was. I figured it had something to do with the part of my life that I couldn’t remember but I had no idea. Now I know what was missing and part of it still is and always will be, and that’s what hurts the most. And Billy, I hope he’s happy now. You know I dreamt about him the night before last. He said there are no goodbyes, that we’ll always be together. I guess I already knew he was dead before they found him but was afraid to acknowledge the truth. I’m afraid of everything, yes, I’m afraid of everything, but I’m sick of running. That’s one of the reasons I never got on the bus, the other was that I didn’t want to lose you again. You’re the only one I’ve got left. I sat here watching bus after bus arrive and leave and thought about everything: how I’ve just gone round in a big circle. I thought about you and Simon and everything you’ve done for me.”

“Whatever I do it’ll never be enough.”

“I don’t blame you, I don’t hold you responsible for any of what happened, you have to know that, you have to believe it.” There was a brief silence. “So what happens now Matthew?”

“Come here.” And for the first time Matthew did what he had been wanting to do since he had watched her sleeping on the sofa just three months ago, he took her in his arms and hugged her. Toni, hesitant at first, let her arms fall around his body, and then buried her head in his chest. Her body and mind relaxed; muscles that had been tense after years of having to stay alert, her mind after years of having to be one step ahead of every situation. For a moment, she surrendered herself into Matthew’s protection, she felt she could have stayed there forever. “I’ve missed you so much,” Matthew whispered, and he felt he could have hung on to her forever. After a few moments they separated, Matthew looked into Toni’s deep blue eyes and she studied his face. “I’m sorry Toni, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything,” she assured him, “I pushed you too far that night. I wanted a reaction from you, even if you shouted and screamed at me. Even that was better than the silence.”

“What the hell happened to us Nicki?”

“Nicki doesn’t exist anymore.”

“I know, it was me who killed her.”

“No, it wasn’t you, it was life. She was shown everything too soon and didn’t know how to cope with what she found, but Toni did.”

“But I should’ve been there and I wasn’t, there’s no excuse. I’ve been back a million times to the day of the accident and a million times to that night, wanting to change the outcome but unfortunately there’s no going back. There’s no changing anything, we can only go forward, but at least we can go forward together. When I saw that you’d gone this morning I was desperate, you can’t imagine what went through my head, I almost had the whole police force out looking for you. Then, after the first few moments of panic, I suddenly knew where you were, don’t ask me how. Something inside told me you wouldn’t leave,” he paused, smiling, “besides anything else, you can’t leave, you owe me too much money.” He stood up and took Toni’s hand. “Come on, I’m taking you home, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

It was the catching up that Toni was concerned about, she didn’t feel ready to open up about everything that had happened since that night. She needn’t have worried, Matthew had no intention of giving her the third degree about anything, he was just so relieved that she had remembered who he was, that she didn’t hate him and that he didn’t have to pretend anymore.

  It was only ten o’clock when they got back, the day had only just begun but they both felt as if they had already lived a lifetime that morning. Matthew made a drink and something to eat, Toni just sat and stared at the table in front of her.

“I don’t want anything. My stomach feels all inside out.”

“At least drink something,” Matthew insisted, but Toni didn’t hear, she was thinking about Billy, reliving that terrible moment when she had walked into the room and seen him lying on the bed. She remembered how cold his hand felt. She didn’t know how she would ever get through the day without exploding with grief.

Billy’s funeral….

  Five days passed without Toni even noticing. It was the morning of her friend’s funeral. She sat on the sofa waiting for Matthew to finish getting ready, the ceremony was in an hour. She thought about how history seemed to repeat itself. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go; she didn’t know if she could face seeing his little coffin lowered into a hole in the ground. In her dream he had been radiant and full of life; in the coffin he was so obviously dead.

  Matthew came in. “Are you ready?”

“No. I don’t think I can face it.”

“You don’t have to go but it sometimes helps to say a final farewell.”

“Billy told me there are no goodbyes. I don’t understand why he had to die, just like I don’t understand why Mum and Timmy had to die. I can’t believe I’ll never see Billy again.”

“Never is a long time like always. Didn’t he tell you that you’d always be together? How do you know you’ll never see him again?”

“I suppose I don’t.”

“Come on, it’s time to go.”

Toni switched to autopilot, cutting herself off from the outside world, she remained in silence, lost in her own thoughts. There weren’t many people there, no one really cared for another two dead people, one an innocent victim of the other, and the other a victim of a life and a world she didn’t know how to cope with. Toni’s mind drifted back in time to when they had buried her mother and Timothy, she had wanted to be buried along with them. She watched as they lowered her friend and his mother into the ground: two coffins, one large and one small, just as they had done seven years ago. She had a lump in her throat that she couldn’t swallow, that same lump of seven years ago. She walked away, not wanting to witness any more; she felt let down by life, let down by promises of justice and fair play that she had found in books. She sat on the grass  looked around and saw a dark figure standing near a tree. It was Leo; they looked at each other for a moment, something passed between them; his presence was a kind of ironic salute of honour from the street. She looked across at the group gathered round the graves and when she looked back he was gone, she wondered if he had ever been there at all. Then it was all over, a wave of emotion threatened to engulf her; she pushed it down, back inside, just as she had seven years ago.

  While Matthew was speaking to the priest, Simon went over to Toni and sat next to her. “I’m sorry about your friend, Billy.”

“He was the first person I met when I came here who smiled at me.” She remembered that smile and what it had meant to her when she was feeling lost, alone and afraid.

“I should have done more for him.”

“You did all you could.”

  Toni looked at Simon shaking her head, her stomach felt as if it would spill out of her mouth any minute. “He didn’t deserve any of this,” she said quietly.

  There was no one left by the graves, Toni went over and looked down at Billy’s small coffin one last time, she was trying hard to suppress what was trying so hard to get out. If she had been by the sea she would have run along the beach until she couldn’t run anymore; she would have thrown herself down on the ground and thumped the sand until all her strength had gone; she would have stood by the sea and screamed until she had no voice left. Here, in the city, she wanted to break everything, all the buildings, bringing everything down to the same level. She wanted to shake all the people, to wake them up from their illusion that everything was in place, to bring everyone here to the graves in front of her and show them how two people had suffered. How Billy’s mother hadn’t been able to make it in the world, so desperate that dying and taking her son with her was a better option than living a life without hope. Those who have hope don’t kill themselves. She thought she must have hope as she hadn’t yet taken the other option. She supposed that she must consider life worth living as she hadn’t yet ended hers.

  Everyone had gone. Toni stared at the two holes, but the hole inside her felt bigger than both of them. She thought how familiar it all was and shot a glance at Matthew who was standing beside her, wondering if he too had taken a trip to the past and imagined the same scene being played with different corpses. He turned to her.

“What do you want to do?”

“Walk, I want to walk. Can you take me to the bridge, the little wooden bridge by the river? I want to start there, I used to go there with Billy. I want to walk round all the places we used to hang out together. I want to remember every detail, it’s all I have left of him.”

Her eyes held a sorrow so deep that Matthew felt that his heart would break for her. He drove her to the bridge. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, this is between me and Billy. I’ll see you later. Don’t worry about me.”

   Toni walked and walked. The Procession by Vangelis accompanied her.

She went everywhere they had ever been together, she remembered every detail, every word they had ever said to each other, happy moments and sad moments, she didn’t want to forget even one second of the time they had shared. She could hear his voice and see his face in her mind and she couldn’t believe that he was no longer there, with her, in the middle of the city. She finally arrived in the park. It hurt more than ever to see children playing, running and laughing, without a care in the world, this is what she had wanted for Billy, she wiped away a tear. Her throat hurt, her eyes stung and her whole body ached from the sorrow of losing her friend.

  Toni couldn’t walk any longer, she couldn’t think straight, she had exhausted all her memories. Billy was gone and there was nothing she could do. She found a phone and called Matthew. She didn’t have to wait long, from where she was sitting she saw Matthew pull up, she went over and got into the car.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Just drive, drive out of the city, drive until I tell you to stop.”

Matthew did as he was told and they drove out of the dirt and grime, out of the confusion. Toni waited until the outline of the city was silhouetted against the horizon, then told Matthew to stop. She got out, sat down by the side of the road and stared at the black buildings. The sun was going down on one of the saddest days of her life. She had spent the days since Billy’s death going over and over her memories, trying to make some sense of what had happened. She had gone round in the usual circles, over and over the same things until she thought she would go mad; she had been looking from the inside out, now she wanted a different perspective.

  As she looked at the city she had a sense of being outside looking inside. They sat staring at the buildings in silence, then Toni tried to explain what she was thinking and feeling. “Everything seems different looking from here, it doesn’t make the pain go but it gives a sense of….a sense of ......something.” She stared at the metropolis in the distance and thought about the thousands of lives going on inside. Her life was only one, a drop in the ocean of all the laughter and sadness, joy and sorrow, a drop in the ocean of everything, but she didn’t feel small and insignificant, she felt a part of it all. As she sat looking at the buildings that rose out of the ground she knew she would go back and finish what she had started when she decided to return Matthew’s wallet. She was filled with foreboding, something was hidden there, waiting; she had a terrible feeling that the worst was yet to come.

  Matthew noticed a dark shadow fall over Toni’s face, she wore a strange expression.

“What are you thinking?” he asked her, but she just looked at him and said nothing, as if her thoughts were too terrible to attempt to put into words. A cold shiver ran down Matthew’s spine, he got back into the car and started the engine.

“Let’s go back.”

Life goes on....

  It wasn’t easy coming to terms with everything. Toni spent hours going over and over the past, from her first memory with her family, the accident and her life up to Billy’s death. She didn’t know where to go, the street reminded her too much that Billy was missing, Matthew’s home reminded her too much that her mother and Timmy were missing, so she spent her time wandering between the two. She felt she was drifting away from the street, her last link had disappeared. With Billy gone she had no reason to continue with her life as it was before, yet she still wanted to be a part of it, to be a part of something.

  The only place where Toni felt relaxed was the library: it was a neutral place, here there were no ghosts of the people she loved, only of herself and her need to escape into other worlds, other people’s lives. She kept to her old habits, going only when school had finished for the day, so she would go late in the afternoon, early evening and always on Saturday mornings. Matthew kept irregular hours, she never knew when he would turn up and she had the feeling that he wasn’t very happy when he didn’t find her at home. He never said anything but she knew he didn’t trust her to stay out of trouble. He didn’t understand that anything she had done on the street had been out of necessity, nothing else, now, at least for her, there was no necessity. She was looking for something beyond physical needs; she needed reasons, answers, she had too many ‘whys’ floating around in her mind. She would often be late for arranged meetings with Matthew; she would away in her thoughts or in a book in the library or sometimes she would just forget. Time didn’t mean much to her. Matthew was beginning to lose his patience.

  One Saturday morning she had gone to the park, she watched a family messing about with a Frisbee. There was a boy who looked like Billy, they had even asked her if she wanted to join in. She had declined, although there was a part of her that longed to forget and lose herself in play, if only for a short while. They laughed a lot and teased each other. After their play finished and they had left, she looked at the space where they had been, their happy voices echoed and the ground still vibrated with their footsteps. She wondered how things might have been different, only if, but ‘only if’ hadn’t happened. She felt lost in the world in her mind, her world of secrets, of things that she didn’t want anyone to know. Toni glanced around, a police car went past. Suddenly, she remembered that she had a meeting with Matthew. He was taking her bowling, but she had no desire to be stuck inside, under artificial lights which made her feel sick. Over the last few weeks he had been trying to keep her busy, arranging no end of things to take her mind off recent events. They had enjoyed themselves but today she wanted to think; she decided not to go home. It was a nice day, cold but sunny, she walked a circuit of the park then bought herself a hot chocolate, while sipping the hot liquid, she thought about how suddenly everything had changed.

  Toni arrived home, relieved not to find Matthew. She looked around the apartment and automatically started to tidy up. The desk was always full of paper and bits, there were always magazines sprawled all over the table. It took her an hour to put everything in order, just as she finished she heard the key in the door.

“What happened to you?” Matthew asked as he walked through the door of the lounge, “I thought we were going bowling.”

“I didn’t feel like it.”

“Didn’t you think about phoning?”

“No.” Toni felt gloomy, she headed in the direction of her bedroom.

“Don’t do one of your disappearing acts, we need to talk.”

“I don’t feel like talking.”

“Come and sit down.” Matthew was trying to stay calm but Toni’s behaviour was starting to irritate him. She turned round.

“Say what you have to say, give me your lecture on being punctual and phone calls, then leave me alone.”

Toni felt like a bomb waiting to detonate but didn’t know why, she sat down on the sofa. Matthew started fumbling around on his desk for something.

“I wish you wouldn’t keep tidying up, I can’t find anything anymore. Why can’t you just leave things where they are.”

As he opened and closed drawers, he got more and more annoyed, he took a drawer and emptied it on his desk, then went over to where Toni had put his magazines and threw them back on the table, some fell on the floor. Toni went to pick them up. “Leave them, leave everything where it is, I like a bit of disorder, makes me feel at home.” He went round the room returning it to its previous state. Toni watched him turning everything upside down, the atmosphere was tense and images from the past started to flash through her mind, she remembered her father’s anger if he found something out of place and the inevitable that came with it, she felt bewildered. Matthew continued, “I don’t understand where you got this obsession from, you used to be the most untidy member of the family, but then you don’t tell me anything, do you? Where you go, what you do all day, what happened during those years with your father……one big nothing!”

Toni felt herself getting hot, her throat tightened, she had to get out before she lost control and said things she would later regret; she stood up and headed for the door. Matthew suddenly realised what he was doing. “Don’t walk out Toni, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to lose my temper.” She stopped for a moment and looked at him, Matthew saw sadness and confusion in her eyes and he regretted his rash words. “I’m sorry, I act like an idiot sometimes. It’s just that when you’re late or you don’t turn up I get worried. I start thinking that it’s all going to happen again, that you won’t come home. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you a second time.”

Toni went back and sat on the sofa. “I didn’t know I meant so much to you. I’m the idiot not you, I always seem to make you angry.”

“Let’s make a deal, I won’t complain about your tidying up if you try and make an effort to be on time or at least let me know if you change your mind about doing something.”

“Ok.” Toni glanced out of the corner of her eye at Matthew. “So who’s gonna tidy up this mess? I’ve already done it once today and not so very long ago. I reckon it must be your turn.”

“Why don’t we go out and get something for dinner, we can sort this place out later……Come on, grab your coat.”

Toni looked around.

“Nothing’ll happen you know. Nobody ever died of having an untidy home.”

“No, I guess not.”

Although Toni knew that there were times in her life when she had come very close.

  Christmas was just around the corner. It had never meant much to Toni, more than anything it had reminded her that she was alone. It had been an annoyance, especially if it was cold, as the library would be closed for a few days. Christmas with her father was just another excuse for him to get drunk with his friends. Now she had memories of happy times spent together with Matthew, her mother and Timothy, but those memories made it even more unbearable; she wondered how Matthew had passed Christmas through the years, she doubted if he had celebrated even one. She was right, he had always worked, had never bought a tree or sent a card and had tried to avoid numerous dinners organised by colleagues and friends who had felt sorry for him. Even this year he couldn’t find much enthusiasm but he felt he should make an effort for Toni, though he wasn’t sure if even she would feel like celebrating after everything that had happened. It was only three or four weeks ago that Billy had died and her memory had come back. Christmas had come at the wrong time. The only thing that Matthew was sure about was that for the first time in years he wouldn’t be working; even if they didn’t do much celebrating he wanted to be with Toni.

  One evening they were sitting watching the TV after dinner. Matthew was curious about Toni’s thoughts on Christmas.

“Well, what do you think, shall we go and get a tree tomorrow?”

Toni thought about it, she doubted whether Billy had ever had a tree and was going to say no, then a thought passed through her head that she should celebrate for him. Maybe in a way he would be with her if she kept him in her mind; she could even buy him a little present, a little present for the people she loved that were no longer here and for the people she loved that were.

“Ok,” was all she said, but even an ‘ok’ surprised Matthew.

“That’s settled then, first thing tomorrow we’ll go and get a tree.” He looked at Toni and smiled, she smiled back.

  The next day was tree-buying day, the air was sharp and a cold wind blew that seemed to cut like knives. Toni wondered how many bodies under newspaper hadn’t got up that morning. They finally agreed on a medium-sized tree and put it in the car, then they went to get a drink. The waitress brought them two mugs of hot chocolate.

“What are we going to put on the tree? Have you got any decorations?” Toni asked Matthew.

“Well no I haven’t. I guess we’ll have to buy some.”

“What about the old ones, what happened to them?” Toni remembered their tree decorations, how they had always decorated the tree together.

“I gave them away, well, to be honest, I put everything in a box, sealed it up and threw it out, then after a while I repented and retrieved it. I couldn’t bear the thought of our decorations being trashed. I gave them to the church. It was my first Christmas after everything, the accident, your disappearance. It was difficult; I spent most of Christmas Day sitting at a table staring at a bottle of whisky.” She had spent that Christmas Day at home too, her father and his hangers-on had gone out to eat in a restaurant and left her on her own. No tree, no presents, nothing, he was too mean to waste money on such trivialities.

“How did you spend that first Christmas?” Matthew asked her.

“Alone.”

“And your father?”

“He had to go out.”

Then it struck them both at the same time why this year they should celebrate, neither said anything for a few minutes.

“I’m glad I returned your wallet that day.”

“And I’m glad you took it, though that kick you gave me was a bit unnecessary.”

“You had hold of my arm, remember, then for a moment you went all gooey-eyed, I had to grab the  opportunity, otherwise I would’ve ended up.....,” she paused, thinking for a minute, “where I ended up anyway.”

They both laughed.

  They finished their drinks and left, as they walked out of the door the cold air hit them in the face.

“God it’s freezing,” Matthew shivered. “On days like this how the hell did you manage to keep warm and what about during the night?”

“There are places to go.”

“You mean hostels for the homeless.”

“No, I would’ve been noticed immediately and thrown in one of those homes for kids no one wants. I used to get locked in places on purpose, I had to be careful that there were no alarms. It was important that there was a way out, a window, or a door that opened from the inside, a lock that was easy to pick, just in case I got locked in on a public holiday. Getting locked in was only a last resort when the cold was unbearable; nights like last night.”

“Simon showed me one of the places you used to sleep.”

“I thought he might.”

“He told me about your conversation that afternoon and I insisted that he take me.”

“Why did you have to go?”

“I don’t know, I felt I had to see, to try and understand what your life had been like.”

“And how did it make you feel?”

“Like shit.”

“I can imagine. You shouldn’t have gone.”

“Don’t try and spare my feelings.”

They were standing by the car, Toni felt faraway from those days, sleeping rough, planning where to go if it was too cold, she felt a different person now. It seemed such a long time ago, though it wasn’t.

“Can we go and get those decorations now?” she said, not wanting to continue with the conversation. Matthew looked at her, he marvelled at the way she had survived, she was tough, crafty, intelligent, sensitive and caring; he certainly hadn’t expected what he was slowly discovering.

  They arrived home with tree and decorations. Christmas was in two days, they had left it a bit late to get organised. The phone rang and Matthew had to go to the station.

“I have to go, I’m sorry, maybe we could do the tree later.”

“Can I have some money? I need to go shopping.”

“Thought you hated shopping.”

“I can always get what I want by other means you know, those means that you don’t approve of. Are you going to give me the money or not?”

“Here, how much do you want?”

“I don’t know, whatever I don’t spend I’ll bring back.”

Matthew handed her a few notes. “Do you want me to take you anywhere before I go to work?”

“No it’s ok, I’ll walk.” Toni knew a little shop that sold all sorts of handcrafted objects in wood, it was here she wanted to buy her presents, something small but meaningful.

  It was quite a walk but Toni had a lot of time on her hands, too much, and often she didn’t know what to do to fill it. She tried to empty her mind of thoughts and concentrate on what was going on around her. It was difficult, as soon as she emptied her head it filled up again: thoughts and images from the past rebounded constantly from one side to the other. She arrived at the shop, it was hidden down a side street, almost as if it didn’t want to be found. Toni had never been inside before; she knew an old couple ran it, the old man made all the wooden objects. She opened the door and a little bell rang, an old woman appeared from behind the cash desk.

“Can I help you dear?”

“Can I have a look around?”

“Of course, take as long as you like.”

Toni looked at the different displays, the shop gave the impression of being in another world, slow and calm, somehow separated from the confusion that surrounded it. She found a neat display of Christmas tree decorations and knew exactly what she was going to get. They weren’t the usual tree decorations like snowmen and reindeer, it was possible that they weren’t decorations at all, but it didn’t matter, it was almost as if they had been made for her as her own personal Christmas presents.

  For Timothy she picked out a duck, he had always played with three little ducks in the bath that squirted water and for her mother she chose two little robins, she had never forgotten to feed the birds. For Billy she found a little boat that reminded her of her dream. Toni thought about Billy’s mother and what she had done. Billy had always forgiven her; he would have wanted her to be with him on the Christmas tree. Toni didn’t know if she wanted to remember her, but for Billy’s sake she chose a little house, maybe it had been her dream to have a nice house and a big family but somehow it had all gone wrong. Simon was easy to choose for, he was always so cheerful; she picked up a sun with a smiling face,. Finally, for Matthew, he was difficult; she looked at all the different shapes, animals and objects but couldn’t decide. The old lady seemed to sense her confusion and went over.

“Having difficulty in choosing dear?” she asked.

“Well yes, these are presents for people I know...... or knew,” she added. “It’s just that I can’t decide on the last one.”

“Who is it for?”

“A friend, he’s a lot older than me.”

“Is there something particular about him, something he likes doing, what’s his job?”

“He’s a policeman, but I don’t think he wants to be reminded of that.”

“Doesn’t he like his job?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just that, well sometimes he gets tired of how things are.”

The old lady gave an understanding nod.

“Well maybe something between the two of you. My husband can make you whatever you like. It won’t take him long you know, you can pick it up tomorrow morning.”

Toni thought for a minute, she thought about how they had met and all that had happened since, she remembered the IOU she had put in his wallet once and what he had said at the bus station. Then she knew what she could give him to put on the tree:, an IOU, the letters carved in wood by the old lady’s husband.

“There is something, the letters IOU.”

“No problem dear, that’ll take no time at all. Come back tomorrow morning, I’ll put them all in little gift boxes for you.” Toni pulled the notes from her pocket but the elderly shopkeeper wouldn’t accept the money. “You can pay tomorrow.”

  Toni thought how nice she was, said thanks and turned to walk out of the door. The old lady called after her. “See you tomorrow and Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Toni found herself saying for the first time for a long time, not just saying the words but really meaning them.

  It was early evening, there was no Matthew, only a tree and some decorations left in the middle of the room. Toni took one long look at them then got to work. After an hour their tree stood in all its splendour in the corner of the lounge, complete with lights and a bright star on top. She made herself something to eat, though she was more tired than hungry, then lay down on the sofa and slowly drifted off to sleep. Matthew came in late and saw her asleep on the sofa, he was just about to carry her to bed but changed his mind. He remembered the last time he had picked her up in her sleep and the resulting black eye. He covered her up and went to bed.

  Toni woke up suddenly from a dream, she went and looked out of the window, the sky was clear, down in the street there were several cars passing and one or two people milling around. She thought about Billy, part of her still couldn’t accept that he had gone, somehow she felt blocked, unable to go forward and unable to go back; she couldn’t let go. She went into her bedroom, lay on the bed and picked up for the hundredth time The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. She was still dressed, it seemed pointless to get into her pyjamas. An image of Billy entered her head; she would have given him the world if she could have done, but it was too late. She opened her book and lost herself in the magical country of Narnia.

  It was morning, another cold day. Toni remembered that she had to go back to the little shop, but it was far too early. She went into the lounge where Matthew was sitting with a coffee, he looked up.

“Tree looks great, you could do with sprucing up a bit though. Looks like you slept in those clothes.”

“I did. I fell asleep on the sofa. You should know, you covered me up. I woke up later but I couldn’t sleep.”

Matthew looked at the dark rings that outlined Toni’s blue eyes.

“Listen, I only have to go into work for a few hours this morning, then that’s it for several days. Is there anything you want to do this afternoon?”

“No,” it was a sad no. “Really Matthew I don’t want to do anything, I know you’ve only been trying to cheer me up these last few weeks and I appreciate it but please don’t arrange anything. I want to stay in a quiet place and think quiet thoughts.” Toni sat next to him. “I can’t accept what happened, I thought as time passed it would get easier but it doesn’t.”

Matthew put his arm around her, he wished with all his heart that he could do something to lighten her load. “You have to try, I know it’s difficult.”

“I am trying, believe me, I’m trying, but it feels like I’ve got a big hole inside me that I’ll never be able to fill.”

“I know what you mean.”

“So how long do I have to walk around with this hole?”

Matthew didn’t answer.

“It doesn’t go does it? You’ve still got yours. How can you bear it?”

“You just do, life goes on.” There was silence for a while.

“Come with me this morning, I’ve only got some paperwork to do, we can go and have lunch somewhere. I promise I won’t handcuff you to a chair.”

“I can’t, I have something to do this morning.”

“More shopping?”

“Something like that.”

“We could still have lunch. Get a taxi to the station at about twelve-thirty.”

“Not my style.”

“What, coming to the station or having lunch with a policeman?”

“Neither; getting a taxi.”

“Well, what’s the answer? Come on, I’ve got to go.”

“Ok, lunch it is.”

“Right, see ya, don’t be late.”

“Bye.”

  Matthew left and Toni went out soon after. It was still early but it was a period that she didn’t want to be on her own at home; it was too quiet she could hear her brain ticking. The sun was shining down on the city, on a cold, crisp, Christmas Eve morning. Toni tried to blank out thoughts of the past; as she walked she tried to stay focused in the present, on what was happening around her. People seemed a little more cheerful than usual, wrapped up in the Christmas euphoria. She arrived at the park and remembered how she had played ball with Matthew, how they had laughed and enjoyed themselves, then Billy had turned up. It all seemed so long ago, if only she could go back and at least relive the last moments spent with her friend. She would play harder, enjoy herself more, do more, but there was no going back, if there was a meaning behind all this she couldn’t find it. At least here, in the park, she could remember happy times together with Billy, wiling away the hours, almost as if they were just two normal kids with normal families and normal lives. She sat on a park bench; people walked past with dogs, jogged past, rushed past with briefcases as if the world wouldn’t wait for them; she wondered about their lives, their secrets, their hopes and desires. Then she stood up and made her way to the little shop with the little old lady. She thought about taking a short cut, it meant that she would have to pass through Leo’s territory; she didn’t think he would bother her again after their conversation the day before Billy died, but then he couldn’t be seen to lose face in front of his boys. What if he wasn’t around, now she knew what she would get if they caught her. She decided it wasn’t worth the risk of spoiling Christmas, she went the long way, arriving at the shop mid-morning. As she entered, the bell above the door rang and the little old lady appeared.

“Hello dear, everything’s ready for you.”

The tree decorations were on the old wooden table at the back of the shop, all placed carefully in little gift boxes as if they were made of gold, the old lady had even attached Christmas labels to each one. Toni once again pulled the notes from her pocket and handed over some money, having no idea how much it would all cost. “That’s far too much dear.” The old lady took one of the notes and placed some change in Toni’s hand, she had hardly taken anything. Toni was about to say something, then realised that there was one box too many.

“I think you’ve given me an extra one by mistake.”

The old lady put the presents in a bag, smiled and picked up the last box.

“Now tell me your name dear.”

“Toni.”

“Is that with an i or a y?”

“An i.” The old lady wrote ‘Toni’ on the tag.

“This is for you.”

“For me? But............”

“Come on, no buts, put it the bag with the rest and don’t open it until tomorrow. Just remember, one day you’ll release yourself from those troubles you carry around. You’ll find the courage you need, don’t worry.”

Toni smiled at the old lady, she had a familiar twinkle in her eye yet she knew she had never met her before coming into the shop. She said thanks and turned to go, the old lady called out “Merry Christmas!” and Toni returned the greeting. Once home she wrote the names on the labels, careful not to get the boxes confused. It was strange writing the names of people that were no longer there; she felt sad. As she placed the presents under the tree she glanced at the clock; it was almost 12.30. She was going to be late again and would have to get a taxi. She was at the station within fifteen minutes, Matthew was waiting outside and the taxi pulled up next to him to let Toni out.

“I didn’t think you used taxis?”

“I was late.”

“Well that makes a change, only by fifteen minutes though; you’re improving.”

Toni yawned.

“Tired?”

“A bit.”

“Hungry?”

“Very.”

“Come on, do you think you can keep your eyes open long enough to eat something?”

“Just watch me. You seem in a good mood.”

“No more work for a few days, Christmas with you and Simon. It certainly beats sitting at home staring at a bottle of whisky and old photos.”

“Don’t you usually spend Christmas with Simon?”

“No, I’m usually too depressed to spend it with anyone. It’s hardly fair to expect someone like Simon to spend his Christmas with an old misery like me. This year’s different though.”

“Yes it’s different.”

“You don’t sound very enthusiastic.”

“It’s just that everything seems so strange, suddenly everything’s changed. Six months ago I was on my own, my only friend Billy, living from day to day, with no thoughts other than where my next meal was coming from. Now Billy’s dead, Mum and Timmy are dead, my head’s full of sad stuff and my insides feel all upside down and back to front.”

“It takes .....”

“I’m fed up with hearing it takes time. How much time have you had to heal your wounds? As far as I can see they’re still open and they’re still bleeding.”

“Toni, you see and understand too much. I don’t have any answers. I know it hurts and you’re right I’m still hurting, in fact it hurts like hell. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for what I did to you, for the life you led because of me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to stir things up. Matthew don’t blame yourself.”

They continued walking. “Shit,” Toni said, wishing she’d kept her mouth shut.

“Yeah, I guess that just about sums it up.”

  They looked at each other, the little outburst seemed to have cleared the air a bit. They had lunch and then decided to go to the park to walk it off. There were some people singing Christmas carols. They walked without speaking. Toni glanced at Matthew, he meant so much to her and she didn’t want him to hurt anymore. The sun was low in the sky; it was almost twilight.

“Let’s go home, you look tired. If you don’t go to bed early the man with the white beard won’t come.”

“Ha, ha.”

  When they arrived home Toni sat down on the sofa. Matthew looked at the presents under the tree.

“Looks like Santa’s come early this year. Are you hungry?”

“A bit.”

“Silly question really. What do you want?”

“A sandwich will do, I ate loads at lunchtime.”

“I noticed.”

  It was a strange Christmas Eve, one part of Toni was happy to be with Matthew, the other part was sad for the people who weren’t there anymore. It would be a bitter sweet Christmas, the living and the dead, back together, reunited in her head and on the tree. She switched on the TV, she noticed that when she watched her mind blanked and she could lose herself in a film, a documentary or a silly game show. She ate her sandwich, hardly tasting it, she felt weary and wondered where she was going to get the strength from to carry on. She searched for that spark of hope, it was still alive, deep inside her, and she knew while she still felt that flicker, however small, she wouldn’t give up. She caught Matthew staring at her.

“What are you looking at me like that for?”

“Well actually I was thinking ........... that ... um ...., well, I think you could do with a wash. At least you might make an effort for Christmas. Those clothes are the same ones you’ve had on for days and you slept in them last night. And don’t scowl at me like that. What have you got against washing?”

“Nothing.”

“Well go on then, the shampoo’s on the side of the bath.”

“You mean I’ve got to wash my hair as well?”

“Well it might be an idea. Do you ever put a comb through those curls?”

“No.”

“Living with you is like living with the wild man of Borneo.”

“Who’s he?”

“Go!” Matthew escorted her into the bathroom. “And don’t come out until you’re clean.”

  After her enforced shower she got into her pyjamas; she always thought of Billy when she had them on. The image of him lying on the bed in his blue striped pyjamas was an image she couldn’t shake off though she just wanted to forget it. She walked into the lounge, towel-drying her hair, shook the curls back off her face but they flopped back. This was a mannerism she had inherited from her mother and Matthew felt his heart ache as he watched her.

“You’re so much like your mother.”

They hadn’t spoken much about happier times when they were all together, they both seemed to understand that it was too painful a subject, but the inevitable had to happen: they had to talk. They had to start to unwind all the suppressed emotions that had been wound up so tightly over the years.

“Can I have another look at that photo in your wallet?”

Matthew took it out and passed it to Toni. “Came out well considering you were only about three or four when you took it. Maybe you should be a photographer; Simon could give you some tips. Abi was pregnant with Timothy.”

Toni looked at it and remembered the day she had bumped into Matthew.

“When I first saw it I felt a sadness inside me that I couldn’t explain. I was going to throw your wallet away, but the photo haunted me and I couldn’t bring myself to throw it in the dirt. I had a feeling that the owner of the wallet.....well......you wouldn’t want to lose it. Now I understand why it stirred up those feelings, now I understand a lot of things that weren’t clear before,” she paused, “before that morning, the morning they found Billy.”

“It was the only one left with all four of us, well a sense of all four of us, you took it and Timothy was growing inside Abi.”

Toni remembered one night she had been looking through old photographs. Matthew had come into her bedroom to see what she was doing. He was drunk and had lost his temper; he had taken the box and gone back downstairs, she had followed him. He threw all the pictures and negatives in the fireplace and set fire to them with the words, “They’re gone, you can’t bring them back with photos; they’re gone, do you understand, they’re gone!” Toni hadn’t said anything, she knew it was the drink and the grief talking. She had thought that she didn’t need photographs when she had all the memories stamped in her mind. Their happy smiling faces, Timmy’s freckles, her mother’s understanding smile. Then, ironically, a few months later she lost her memory and with that she lost everything.

“I’ve always regretted destroying those photos. I’m so sorry, sorry about everything.”

“Don’t keep apologising, it doesn’t matter.” Toni looked hard at him as she said the words, she didn’t want him to keep apologising for what no one could change. She knew he was sorry and she didn’t blame him for anything.

“But it does matter.”

“You said once that there was no going back, no changing anything, that we had to go forward together. Going forwards means no more being sorry for the past; have we got a deal? I told you I don’t blame you.”

“But the way I treated you…………….”

“Listen,” she interrupted, “you’ve apologised, I accept your apology. There’s nothing more to say.”

Matthew looked at Toni knowing that she carried just as much guilt as he did.

“But you blame yourself, I can see it in your eyes; you hold yourself responsible, not just for your mother and Timothy, but also for Billy and you shouldn’t.”

Toni knew he was right.

“Well, tell me what I should do, explain it to me. How do I shake the feeling that it was all my fault? How do I get rid of this terrible sense of guilt?”

“I don’t know. We could try forgiving each other.”

“But we’ve already done that.”

“Then we have to try to forgive ourselves.” Matthew said the words though he knew it would be a long time before he could forgive himself for anything.

“It’s easy to say.” Toni yawned. “I think I’ll go to bed.”

“Don’t go wandering around in the middle of the night, you might frighten Santa.”

“Very funny.”

  Toni went to bed, hoping that she would sleep. She lay in bed staring at the ceiling; she heard Matthew turn on the TV, it was a different kind of background noise to what she was used to; she could hear a police siren but it was from the television, not from the street. From the bedroom she could hardly hear the street even with the window open; she felt isolated in an apartment way up, far above the ground where she had spent the last four years. Slowly she dozed off, only to wake up at four in the morning with the usual face flashing in her head: her father, he was just another of her unresolved problems. She could hear music coming from the lounge and got up to get a drink; she found Matthew sitting on the sofa; he looked up.

“Did the music disturb you? It’s that Rick Wakeman CD you ask me to get, Aspirant Sunrise.”

“The music’s fine. I’m thirsty.” Toni got a drink and sat next to Matthew. At night everything always seemed more intense, it was then more than at any other time that it was difficult not to dwell on the past. The only light came from the Christmas tree. Neither of them spoke, although both knew what the other was thinking; words were not always necessary, just being together somehow made them feel better. Matthew broke the silence.

“Come here hooligan,” he said and put his arm round her shoulder and pulled her towards him. Six months ago he would never have believed that he would be spending Christmas with his Nicki. He had never stopped believing that one day they would be together again, it was something he had felt deep inside, something he had known all along. Toni leaned on him, letting her head rest on his chest. He was warm and comfortable; she could feel his heart beating. She could hardly believe it was real; she felt so close to him, she felt safe.

  The music kept them company, Matthew recognised the track, Thoughts of Love, and smiled. “Don’t you ever leave me again,” he said softly but there was no answer. “Did you hear what I said?” He looked down and saw that she was fast asleep. He didn’t move, not because he didn’t want to wake her up but because it just felt so good. Finally, after all this time, his Nicki had come home…

 

  Toni woke up on the sofa, then remembered how she had been sitting with Matthew earlier that morning. The smell of breakfast came drifting through and she got up to investigate what was going on in the kitchen.

“Mmm, smells good.”

“So you’re awake then, come here and give me a big Christmas hug.” He picked her up and twirled her round, Toni laughed; he made her feel good about herself; he made her feel happy inside. He put her down.

“Here, let’s eat. Don’t overdo it though, Simon’s cooking Christmas lunch. If you don’t eat everything you might upset him.”

“Since when have you known me to leave anything on my plate?”

“We’ve got orders to disappear for the morning. Simon hates having people under his feet when he’s putting one of his masterpieces together. Make sure you put warm clothes on, you’re gonna need them.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

  Toni got dressed; as she dressed she thought how all this time she had been dwelling on the sad things that had happened and not about the things that made her happy. About Matthew, how he made her feel safe, how he made her laugh, how he was always there if she was in trouble. He had taken care of her when she was ill, when she got caught up with Leo, when she had nightmares; he didn’t have to do anything, after all she wasn’t even his child. She thought about Simon who always had a smile ready. She had found two friends, she had found affection and rediscovered how to laugh a little. After dressing she went back into the lounge; Matthew was waiting. She smiled a warm smile and Matthew noticed an unusual sparkle in her eyes.

“Well come on then.” Toni was impatient to know what Matthew had planned. She reached for her coat.

“You won’t need that, here put this on.” He handed her a bag; she opened it and pulled out a leather jacket. “Hope it’s the right size.” She put it on; it was a perfect fit.

“It’s a nice jacket, thanks, but what do I need a leather jacket for?”

“Here, take your gloves. Let’s go.”

Toni followed Matthew, they went down to where Matthew kept his car and she walked towards his garage.

“Not that way, I rent two garages, the other one’s over here.” This was news to Toni, she wondered why he needed two garages; she had only ever seen him use one car. He opened the door and inside Toni saw a motorbike. It looked like the one he had owned years ago; he would give her little rides on it up and down the road. She had loved Matthew’s bike. “Do you remember this?” he asked patting the seat.

“Is it really the same one?”

“Yes.”

“It doesn’t look like you’ve used it much.”

“No I haven’t, like everything else it reminded me too much of what life was like before. How your mother and I used to take off for the morning when you were at nursery school, before Timothy was born. I thought about selling it once but I couldn’t part with it, I always believed that one day you would come back. I knew how much you loved this old bike.”

“I used to have a little leather jacket like yours, do you remember, it was my pride and joy,” said Toni.

Matthew laughed. “Yes I remember, you lived in that jacket.”

He reached up to a shelf and got down two helmets, he passed her one. “Here, this was your mother’s.” Toni took it, then looked at Matthew. He spoke before she could say anything. “Hey no sad thoughts, today is for us.”

He pushed the bike out of the garage and got on, to Toni he looked just as he had seven years ago. “Are you coming or not?” She didn’t need telling twice and climbed on the back. “This is the quickest way out of the city. Hold on tight,” Matthew said.

  It was difficult to tell who was enjoying themselves the most, Matthew or Toni. It was a long time since Matthew had gone for a real ride, he had only taken the bike out occasionally to keep it tuned. It had felt strange having no one hanging on behind him.

  The air had warmed up a little and it wasn’t as cold as Matthew had thought it might be. They sped out of the city and were soon on the open road. Toni held on tight to Matthew. The feel of his jacket, the noise of the engine took her back in time and she let herself get lost in the memory. They went on and on, both lost in the past. After some time she felt Matthew slow down, they stopped. Matthew took off his helmet and looked at his watch. Toni lifted up her visor.

“That damn watch of yours. What did you stop for?”

“For a while there I forgot the time.”

“That makes a change.”

“Simon’s cooking, remember. I got a bit carried away. We should go back.”

“So soon?”

“Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of other opportunities. I don’t know why I didn’t bring you out sooner; I guess there was too much going on.”

“There’s always too much going on.” There was a brief silence. “I’m happy you kept the bike.”

“Me too. Let’s go, we don’t want to keep Simon waiting.”

  As they walked through the door the smell of Christmas lunch drifted through the hall and they could hear Simon pottering around in the kitchen.

“About time too,” Simon shouted, then poked his head round the door. “Oh and by the way Merry Christmas. Could you come in here a minute kid, I need your help to set the table, you’re the only one who knows how to do it properly.......... Nice jacket.” Toni set the table perfectly. “Great job. Now disappear for ten minutes while I finish off.” Toni went into the lounge.

“I’ve been banned from the kitchen,” she said smiling. She felt relaxed, almost happy. She noticed a few more presents had appeared under the tree.

“It’s a weird Christmas,” she said to Matthew.

“In what way?”

“I don’t know, maybe just because it’s different to what I’m used to.”

  Simon called through that lunch was ready. It took all of fifteen minutes to demolish everything. “Well you two certainly worked up an appetite on that bike.”

As soon as they finished Toni stood up and started clearing the table.

“Sit down.” Matthew looked at her. “I said sit. I’ll clear up in a bit. Let your food go down.” She sat down, but continued to fidget, playing with things on the table. “Toni relax, will you. Simon take her in the other room while I clear up.”

“Come on, tell me about Christmas on the street.” Simon said to Toni. He always seemed to be able to add humour to every situation, in a way that made you feel that no problem was a problem, nothing was insuperable and nothing was ever as bad as it seemed. He was easy to talk to and didn’t judge; he didn’t criticise or take offence and was never shocked. He took her by the hand and led her into the lounge. “Go on then kid.”

“Go on then what?”

“Talk.”

“About Christmas, you mean?”

“If you want. Tell me about anything; tell me about life on the street. It’s good to talk about stuff.”

“What’s there to tell? The street is the street. I kind of miss it a bit: the activity, being one step ahead, knowing everything that’s going on, doing what I want when I want and having no one to answer to. It was fun avoiding your lot; some of your officers aren’t particularly bright are they?”

“I don’t think it’s a question of them being bright, more a question of you being crafty. They got you in the end though.”

“I was having an off day.”

“I bet you could tell a few stories.” He was right. Toni could have talked for hours about her life on the street; she had a million stories but she wasn’t talking; a part of her was still out there, in the middle of it all.

  Finally the noise of plates, cutlery, pots and pans ceased and Matthew joined them.

“Well I guess it’s time to see what Santa brought this year. Do you want to start Toni.” She hesitated as she tried to find the right words.

“I haven’t celebrated Christmas since.......well......you know...,” she paused as she chose her words carefully. “This year I didn’t know if I wanted to think about it after Billy’s death and after remembering everything. The three people I want to be here aren’t. Then I thought that we should celebrate it for them so I got something for everyone whether they’re here or not.” She stumbled a bit over her words; she was always a little embarrassed when she expressed her feelings and it was even more difficult speaking about her mother, Timothy and Billy. “I got tree decorations that reminded me of everyone so that we’d all be together on the tree.”

She took her brother’s box, took out the little duck and hung it on the tree. “This is for Timmy he loved playing with little ducks in the bath.” She took her mother’s box with the two robins. “Mum loved the birds in the garden.” Then she opened Billy’s box. “This boat reminds me of when I was with Billy in a dream.” She looked at Billy’s mother’s box and felt she had to confess, “I didn’t know Billy’s mother. When I saw her on the bed with Billy in her arms and then on the stretcher under the sheet, I wanted to hate her, but Billy didn’t hate her, he loved her. I think he’d want to be with her on the tree. I got her a house, maybe it was her dream to have a nice home.” Toni was finding it difficult to control her feelings, her eyes were wet and that familiar lump had appeared in her throat. “Simon I got one for you too, Merry Christmas.” He took the box and opened it. “I got you a sun because you’re always smiling.”

“Thanks kid.” He leant over and kissed her on the cheek, then hung his sun on the tree. She handed Matthew his box. He opened it and immediately remembered the bus station; he looked at Toni and smiled.

“Thanks.” He hugged her and then hung his IOU on the tree.

“There’s one left,” Simon commented. Toni picked it up.

“The old lady in the shop gave it to me and told me to open it with the others.”

“Go on, open it.” Simon passed it to her; she lifted the lid, inside were two wild horses, perfectly carved in the midst of a canter, their manes blowing in the wind; they looked so real. “Well that about sums you up, wild and free. Does she know you well this old lady?”

“Don’t think she knows me at all, at least I don’t know her. I met her at the shop for the first time two days ago.” She put the horses on the tree remembering what the old lady had said. Wild she might be but free she wasn’t; maybe that’s what the old lady meant, that one day she would be.

  Simon took the largest of the presents from under the tree, and gave it to Matthew; he then reached for another and gave it to Toni.

“I hope these will help you argue less,” he said with a grin. Inside a box Matthew found a magazine rack and a cleaning kit, complete with apron. Toni laughed, then opened hers: it was a watch. This time Matthew saw the funny side.

“Maybe now you’ll be more punctual,” he commented.

“And maybe you’ll be a bit tidier,” was Toni’s answer.

“Now, now, you two, it’s Christmas remember.” Matthew went over to the tree and picked up the last three presents. He gave Toni two and handed one to Simon, who ripped open the paper.

“Great! A new lens for my camera, it’s exactly what I wanted! How did you guess?”

“You told me often enough.”

“Well I might have mentioned it a few times. What about you Toni, what did Matt get you?” She tore off the paper from one of the presents.

“A phone,” she said in a ‘what do I need one of these for’ voice. “Don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t think I’ll ever become a slave to one of these things.”

“You’ll get used to it, save you searching for a phone that works,” Matthew explained.

“It’s not something that’s ever stressed me out; if it doesn’t work I don’t phone.”

“Yeah, and that stresses him out,” Simon laughed. “Come on, open the other present.”

It was a set of books, The Chronicles of Narnia. Nobody could imagine what the present meant to Toni. Matthew didn’t realise it but he had given her part of her life: the books were full of memories, feelings and sensations from a life that was no longer hers.

“Thanks.” Toni picked up the books; she could hardly believe they were hers. She looked at the tree and the decorations: her friends and family together on the tree and now they would be together every Christmas. Matthew saw her staring at the tree.

“It was a great idea, the tree decorations; it was the sort of thing your mother would’ve done.” He noticed her expression change; her eyes were distant and a shadow fell across her face. She was thinking about times she had been alone at Christmas, trying to remain detached, pretending that it was all a con, a con to try to persuade people to spend more money on things they didn’t want. She had always tried to convince herself that she was better off without it but today she had almost touched happiness; she had enjoyed herself even though there were people missing. She had felt wanted; she had felt loved.

"The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding." Leonardo Da Vinci

  Just over two months had passed since Christmas, it was a Saturday morning, a Saturday morning after a late Friday night and the usual exchange of words. The library closed late on a Friday and Toni had got carried away and completely forgotten the time. She couldn’t get used to taking taxis. It was a fair walk back home from the library and she had taken it easy, enjoying the mood of a buzzing Friday night in the city. Matthew as usual had been worried, phoning Simon who gave him the usual reassurances. He had come down heavy on her when she came in and it continued in the morning. When Toni got up she dressed quickly, she wanted to be somewhere alone. Matthew was waiting for her in the lounge.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“Where?”

“Just out.”

“You’re staying put.”

“Since when did you start telling me what to do?” She put on her jacket.

Matthew took hold of her arm. “Sit down, I want to talk to you.”

She looked down at Matthew’s hand on her arm. “Let me go.”

Matthew didn’t move, she lifted her head and looked at him.

“I was worried,” Matthew said calmly.

“Don’t give me a hard time. So what if I came in late last night, what’s the big deal, when you’re working you don’t even know what time I come in. I wasn’t doing anything wrong; you just don’t trust me, do you?” As she said the words she pulled herself away from him and sat down on the sofa. “What do you think can happen?”

“You know better than I do what can happen.” There was silence for a while.

“I’m sorry,” Toni said. “Forgot the time, that’s all.”

“I know I worry too much, but ……….well you know,” he paused. “Why don’t we start the morning again?”

“Ok.”

“What about a ride on the bike? We could have a picnic. ”

“Sounds good to me.” Their disagreement was soon forgotten, they couldn’t stay angry with each other for long.

“Just out of interest do you use that watch Simon gave you? And what happened to your phone?”

Toni didn’t answer. She could have told him where she had been all evening, where she usually spent her time, that she had got lost in a book but where did it stop? How much could she say? How much could she give him of herself? If she gave him that part of her life what would follow?

  Toni held on tight to Matthew as they left the city behind; she loved being on the bike, it made her feel free. She imagined that they would go on and on, discover new places and have wonderful adventures. Then, after many new places and many new adventures, they would arrive at the end of the world, and there waiting for them would be her mother, Timothy and Billy. Matthew took all the little side roads, taking them deep into the forest; he knew the countryside as well as she knew the city. After many bends and winding lanes he slowed down and stopped the bike. He took off his helmet and turned to Toni.

“You’re gonna love this place. Listen.” Toni listened, she could hear running water.

“We have to leave the bike here. Come on, take your backpack.”

They scrambled down a slope and walked through some trees. At the bottom was a large stream and a little further away a small waterfall. It was the right side of winter; it wasn’t cold but it was too early for spring; a watery March sun filtered through the trees. It was a wonderful place. A childlike wonder took hold of Toni whenever she found herself surrounded by nature. She sat down on a rock and took off her shoes and socks. Matthew looked at her. “What are you doing now?”

“I’m going for a paddle.”

“But the water’s freezing.”

“So.” She ventured in, Matthew was right it was freezing but in a strange way refreshing; it made her whole body tingle.

“What is it with you and water, you can’t resist standing in it, swimming in it, paddling in it but when it comes to washing you avoid it at all costs.”

“Washing’s different.”

“In what way?”

“Just is. Get your shoes and socks off, it’s wonderful.” Matthew found himself following her example; he had to admit it did feel good, though after a while he conceded defeat. “I can’t feel my feet, I’m out.”

Toni followed him and sat down on the grass, wriggling her toes in the air waiting for them to dry.

“I’m hungry,” she said. Matthew threw her over her backpack, which she opened and got stuck into a big sandwich.

“Don’t eat everything now you might be hungry later and don’t think you’re digging into mine.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Toni finished eating then put her shoes and socks back on. She yawned.

“Sleepy? You need a brisk walk to wake you up a bit.”

“You’re right, let’s follow the stream. I love listening to the sound of the water as it flows over the rocks and down the little waterfalls. One day I’d like to visit an enormous waterfall like Niagara or Victoria, Angel Falls in Venezuela or Tugela in South Africa. It must be incredible to stand at the top and watch the water cascading down in torrents. Imagine the noise and the power; it’s almost beyond imagination.”

“Well for now you’ll have to be content with these little ones; come on.” Matthew was a little surprised by this sudden demonstration of her geographical knowledge. “Where did you learn all about waterfalls?”

“Around.”

“What do you mean ‘around’?”

“Just like I said.”

She ran off, Matthew watched her disappear as the stream carried on its journey. He had hoped with time Toni would be more forthcoming with information about herself, her past, her father, where she had spent the last seven years, but whenever he tried to get more information from her, she immediately went on the defensive, avoided the issue or completely disappeared. He always had the thought at the back of his mind that he had no documentation on her, not even a birth certificate; he had searched through piles of papers but concluded that it must have been destroyed along with the photographs. He thought that she should go to school, though he knew what her reaction would be to the suggestion and with no identification it was impossible. He didn’t want to go digging around in her past behind her back, concerned about what he might find, but he knew that they were living on borrowed time and if she didn’t open up soon he wouldn’t have a choice.

  Matthew caught up with Toni and they followed the stream in silence, lost in the music of the forest. It didn’t seem right to talk and disturb the sounds of nature, at least that’s what it seemed like to Toni. The beauty seemed to jump out at her; she was so used to grey buildings, traffic, city smells. Here everything was clean and fresh; she felt more alive.

  Morning turned into afternoon. Matthew looked at his watch and Toni shot him a look.

“I know what you’re going to say, it’s late we should start back.”

“Well it is, I think we’ll have to find somewhere to sleep.”

“You mean here in the forest?”

“No you idiot, a motel. We’ll have to get back on the main road. It’ll mean getting up early tomorrow, I’ve got to go to work.”

“Can we walk on a little more? It feels like another world here; it almost makes you believe that all the other stuff is a kind of game: a serious game, but a game just the same.”

“What do you mean by all the other stuff?”

“You know, life, all the stuff that happens, how we feel. We get so involved in it all when we’re stuck right there in the middle, but here, if you look and listen carefully, there’s a message. It’s not something you can put into words but something you understand instinctively with your whole body.” Toni always seemed to leave Matthew lost for words, she never ceased to amaze him with the way she looked at life. Unlike many people she stopped to watch things, to listen and she was barely more than a child.

“What’s the message?”

“I told you, it doesn’t exist in words. It exists in the wind, the trees, the birds, the insects, the plants, the animals and all that’s alive, it exists in the sound of waves crashing on the sand, in the rain, the sun, in thunder and lightning.” She stopped and looked at Matthew. “Do you understand me?”

“I’m trying.....I’m trying.” They walked on until Matthew announced it was time to start heading back. As they arrived at the bike, he turned to Toni. “Listen, sit down a minute, we have to talk about something.” His voice was serious, Toni knew she wouldn’t like what was coming. “We can’t go on living like this, pretending it’ll go on forever, someone sooner or later will start asking questions. I have no documents on you, in the eyes of the law I don’t have the right to keep you with me. It took a lot to persuade Rosa to stay off my back while I got to know you. You remember Rosa, from Social Services?”

“Vaguely.”

“You must’ve seen her at the station once or twice; she only agreed to do as I asked because she had so much work, but time’s running out. I know you’re hiding something. What did your father do to you? Why did you run away?”

“Who said I ran away, not me.”

“Don’t you understand the situation we’re faced with Toni?”

She wasn’t going to say anything. She knew if she told Matthew the truth they would start looking for her father and she didn’t know if she was strong enough to stand up to him. She saw herself cowering in a corner while he stood over her, the smell of his squalid friends, their grunts, their sweat, their greedy eyes on her body. Matthew watched her, her face gave nothing away but her eyes had the same look as the day on the beach; he was sorry he had pushed her so far but he had to know.

“Tell me your story, Toni,” he said gently. She turned off the pictures in her head and stood up.

“I told you once before, there’s nothing to tell. Didn’t you say it was time to go?” Matthew gave up. They found a motel, ate something, then retired to their room. They didn’t speak much and went to bed early.

  The following morning they were back in the city by eight o’clock. Matthew went straight to work, leaving a slightly disorientated Toni at home, not knowing what to do with herself. He arrived at the station looking a little bleary-eyed. Simon greeted him with his usual grin.

“So how are my two biker friends or should I say bickering friends? I take it the kid came home in the end. I didn’t call yesterday, I figured I’d let you sort yourselves out.”

“She arrived home at about midnight; I kind of lost my temper a bit.”

“I thought you might. You can’t treat her like a child.”

“You’re right I can’t; she’s a teenager and a difficult one at that.”

“But she’s not a typical teenager you can’t even try to keep her under control. Don’t treat her like she’s fourteen, because she’s not, she’s seen too much to be just fourteen; you have to trust her, after all she’s made it through a lot of life. You have to trust her ability to judge things for herself; you have to trust her integrity. You haven’t fully understood who she is yet.”

“Have you?”

“I know you don’t want anything to happen to her, you want to protect her, but it’s too late Matt, she’s seen everything, she knows what’s what. The only thing to do is to help her come to terms with it all, with who she is and all she’s been through. You can’t do the father bit, it’s too late; she doesn’t need a father she needs a friend.”

It was hard for Matthew, he felt he should have protected her all those years ago but he hadn’t and because of him she had ended up seeing life too soon.

“How can I make it up to her?”

“Don’t ask me ask her.” Matthew looked at Simon.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, I’m sure Toni doesn’t hold you responsible for what happened.”

“No she blames herself and that’s worse, she seems to take responsibility for everything.” Simon laughed.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Well seems to me that she could be trying to protect you.”

“From what?”

“From your guilty conscience.”

“Haven’t you got any work to do?” Matthew asked his friend.

“I can take a hint,” Simon replied and went downstairs.

  It was a quiet Sunday, Matthew caught up on his paperwork. He was thinking about going home, when a call came through: there had been a clash between rival gangs; he could imagine the scene. By the time Matthew and Simon arrived there were two bodies lying on the ground covered with white sheets, their blood staining the pavement. Officers were escorting others into ambulances or police cars depending on how much blood was spilling from their various wounds.

“It’s going to be difficult to get to the bottom of this one,” Matthew commented. He looked around for the gang leaders, then turned to speak to one of his officers, apparently no one had seen them. Matthew gave orders to go and dig them out. This wasn’t the usual type of confrontation; gangs always sorted out their differences in quiet places, usually at night, not in the middle of the city on a Sunday afternoon. Matthew didn’t like this sudden explosion of violence, it worried him. He thought about Toni and how she had lived in the middle of all this. It was a miracle she had survived and survived with her head together in the midst of this world of prostitution, drugs and misery. He was glad she was well out of it now.

  ‘Well out of it’ wasn’t exactly what Toni was. After Matthew left her that morning she had soon got fed up with the silence of his four walls and decided to go for a walk. As she was walking, she heard shouts, on turning a corner she found herself almost in the middle of a gang fight, there were already two bodies lying on the ground. Her curiosity got the better of her and instead of exiting the scene she discreetly found a back seat on some steps, out of sight, or so she thought. She peered through the railings observing the action with interest trying to recognise the faces, trying to work out which gangs were involved. Her curiosity came from an old habit she had formed on the street, to know everything, what was going on and who hated who; some habits were hard to break.

  Matthew looked around; his eyes rested on the steps where Toni had taken up position.

“I don’t believe it! What the hell is she doing here?!”

“Who?”

“Who do you think? Can’t that little idiot keep her nose out of anything?!”

“You mean Toni? It’s your imagination; you’ve got that kid stuck in your head.”

“Over there behind those railings, on the steps.” Simon peered over in the direction that Matthew indicated. Toni noticed them looking over and realised that she had been discovered. ‘Shit now I’m for it,’ she thought, then realised that she hadn’t actually done anything wrong. She had stumbled on the fight by accident, though at this point she felt it was better to do one of her disappearing acts, the last thing she wanted was to be dragged to the station as a witness. She didn’t want to upset anymore ‘yob-type’ people bent on revenge. She was small enough to slip through the railings on the other side, then she quickly dived round the corner, Matthew watched her and for once was happy that she had disappeared.

“Thank God she’s gone. Doesn’t she understand that she doesn’t need to be involved in any of this stuff anymore.”

“Come on, you can speak to her later.”

They went back to the station. It was a long day; no one was talking.

  Toni stayed at home for the rest of the afternoon, knowing that Matthew would have words to say when he came in. Sure enough, later on, he walked in with the familiar ‘what have you been up to’ look on his face.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Come on Toni, you know what I mean. Don’t play games, I’m not in the mood.”

“Listen, I came across it by accident, when I walked in on the action there were already two bodies on the ground. If I had seen anything I probably wouldn’t tell you just the same, so it’s useless to insist, but I didn’t.”

“Lucky for you,” Matthew grunted. “Why the hell didn’t you just turn round and walk away as soon as you saw what was happening?”

“I have to know what’s going on, that’s why.”

“No you don’t. Don’t you understand, you’re not on the street anymore, you don’t have to know anything. It can all happen without you now.”

Matthew’s last sentence stuck in her head, there was silence. Matthew felt sorry for her, she seemed lost.

“I know it’s difficult for you. You need something to do, something to occupy you, a hobby, you need to make friends.”

Toni gave him a despairing look. “ I’m not interested in hobbies or making friends.”

“Well what are you interested in then?”

“Books.”

“You can’t live your life with your head stuck in a book.”

“Why not?”

“Because you have to live, that’s why.”

“And there’s me thinking I’ve lived enough.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”

For a while no one said anything, then Matthew broke the silence.

“It’s late, shouldn’t you go to bed.”

“I’m not tired and will you stop telling me what I should or shouldn’t do.” She was angry with him for what he had said, that everything could happen without her, she was angry because it was true and she felt left out. Matthew remembered what Simon had said earlier that day.

“Toni, sometimes I don’t know how to behave with you. I feel I should protect you, I worry when you come in late or get involved in situations like this afternoon.”

“I wasn’t involved in anything, I was just watching.”

“It only takes a stray bullet, or ………”

“I didn’t see any guns,” she interrupted.

“Will you let me finish. I don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want to lose you. It doesn’t take much, it’s dangerous on the street.” Matthew’s serious tone annoyed Toni.

“I know what it’s like, I’ve lived in the middle of it, remember. You don’t trust me, you really don’t think I can look after myself, do you? For God’s sake I did it for four years it’s too late to start with this protection act. I told you I’m not Nicki anymore, she’s gone, it’s too late. I’m Toni, for all that I am, good or bad.”

“Strange, that’s more or less what Simon said. You’re right, it’s too late, it’s too damn late. I let you down.”

“I don’t think of it like that.”

“Maybe, but that’s how it is.” Toni wished she could think of something to say to convince him but she knew how a guilty conscience worked: nothing took away the self-inflicted blame, nothing.

  Toni opened the window and looked down on the street below. Soon it would be spring. Spring always seemed to bring with it a sense of something to live for, the warm sun and cool breezes. If Billy’s mother had just hung on until spring then maybe things would have been different. After spring it would be summer and the burning days and hot city nights, the air so close you could hardly breathe, then autumn and winter— the never-ending cycle.

  After that Sunday night Toni made an effort to be where she had to be on time and to avoid trouble. Matthew tried to be more patient and left her relatively free to do as she liked. It was difficult for them but they tried.

  Matthew, however, was still curious about how Toni spent her time; he didn’t want her to think he was checking up on her but he had to know. When he was at home he always noticed that she went out at the same time each day and sometimes all day Saturday and Sunday mornings. One day his curiosity got the better of him and he followed her; he wasn’t too surprised when she went into the library and wondered why he hadn’t thought about it before. As he entered the building he lost sight of her, it took him twenty minutes of wandering around before he discovered where she was, sitting in an inconspicuous corner reading a book. Near to Matthew was a library assistant putting books back on the shelves: an elderly man with white hair and twinkly blue eyes. Matthew asked him about Toni.

“She’s been coming here for, oh three or four years now, especially when it’s cold. She just sits and reads, reads everything. She only comes out of school hours but if you ask me she doesn’t go to school, after all the books she’s read don’t suppose she needs to. A while back, every so often when it was really cold she’d get herself locked in, I never said anything, she never caused me any trouble, anyone so in love with books must have their head in the right place. Sometimes, if I could, I’d leave her something to eat. She’s looking better now, cleaner, new clothes, put on a bit of weight too. I guess she must have found someone to look after her.” He smiled at Matthew and continued to organise his books. Matthew didn’t disturb her, he thought he would let her have her little secret and decided to have more trust in her in the future. Unknown to him, Toni had seen him out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t mind that he had followed her; she was glad. It saved her the trouble of sooner or later having to give an explanation for her disappearances. She remained with her head in her book, amused at Matthew’s curiosity.

  When Matthew saw Toni later that day he said nothing about seeing her, in fact he said nothing about anything, no questions at all, none of the usual interrogation.

“What’s up?” Toni finally asked.

“What do you mean?”

“No questions?”

“Am I really that bad? I only worry about you.”

“And too much. Did you find the book you wanted from the library this morning?” Matthew looked at her a little embarrassed. “You saw me.”

“Obviously.”

“Ok, I admit it, I followed you, I couldn’t resist. You kept going out for hours on end, not saying anything. I had to find out what you were doing, you wouldn’t tell me. I had no idea.”

“It doesn’t really go with the image, does it? Tough, streetwise and all the rest.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me?”

“No.”

“Then why? That old guy said you’ve been going there for three or four years, said that sometimes you spent the night there, that he sometimes left you food.”

“So it was him who used to leave those little snacks. I thought it might be; all that time and he never said anything to anyone.”

“Don’t avoid the question. Why wouldn’t you tell me about something so innocent? All those times you were late were you there?”

“Mostly. I forget the time when I read; I forget everything.”

“So why didn’t you say?”

“I don’t know, maybe because it feels too personal.”

“How can going to the library be personal?”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then explain.”

Toni looked at him. “The library for me was somewhere warm and quiet, a place to escape from the cruel and heartless side of the street. It felt safe. I’ve read so many books I’ve lost count, while I was lost in a book the outside world remained where it was and I became a part of what I was reading. For a few hours I could escape into a different world, not always a better one but a different one just the same. I could enter other people’s lives, other countries; I could travel the world and beyond. Sitting in my small space in the library I could visit the past, remain in the present or even reach the future; like Dr. Who’s tardis: the library was, and still is, a starting point, a perspective, a doorway to many worlds. It was here I discovered Narnia.....,” she hesitated, wondering if she wanted to go further and tell Matthew of the games she had played at night in her imagination.

“Go on,” he encouraged her.

“Sometimes if it was cold, I’d get locked in. I used to imagine that I was in Narnia, that I was the heroine fighting monsters, evil giants and witches. All a bit silly really.”

“No it’s not silly. Your mother loved books and had a wild imagination just like you.”

“Without my imagination I don’t think I would’ve survived. When I was cold and hungry, sad or lonely, it was my imagination that got me through.” She paused and let her mind drift back to the nights she had spent in the library, the games she had played on her own. “So you see, the library is more to me than just a building with a load of books.”

  Matthew, for the first time, was seeing Toni as she really was, not how he had believed she was. The image he had formed of her when they had first met didn’t exist anymore. He had never imagined that underneath that tough exterior, the long silences, dark moods and the occasional anger, existed this other person, intelligent, sensitive and full of imagination. He also knew there was a lot she wasn’t telling him; getting information out of her was a slow and frustrating process.

  In the days that followed Toni thought a lot about her life, first when she was a young child with her mother and Matthew, then after the accident, so suddenly everything changed. She remembered how she watched helplessly as Matthew turned to drink, how she had watched him suffer, how lost she felt. She remembered how her father had sneaked into her life and brought hell with him. She remembered how she felt when she realised the truth, how ashamed. Then she had started running and was still running: from herself and from the truth. There had been the street, her refuge, despite the danger, the occasional beatings, the cold and the hunger, it had been her refuge.

She remembered her friend Billy, her heart hurt so much when images of him formed in her mind. Then she thought of Matthew, how they had found each other again. But she knew it wasn’t the end, she felt there was more to come. That terrible feeling that she had experienced after Billy’s funeral was still with her, however much she tried to shake it, push it away or ignore it. It was always there, gnawing away at her insides. Something was about to happen and she knew that there was nothing she could do to avoid it. Her fear weighed her down: fear of the future.

Matthew noticed that Toni seemed distracted and strangely detached, but he said nothing; a lot had happened. He just tried to spend as much time with her as he could. He noticed that she went out less, hung around him more, as if she were afraid of something. She even went to the station more often to meet him for lunch if he was around, and if he wasn’t, she would sit and wait. He tried talking to her about it but he got the usual ‘avoiding the issue’ treatment. In the end he supposed it was just a phase: a reaction to all she had been through, seeking protection; the protection he should have given her all those years ago.

“No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.”  Edmund Burke

  It was a fine spring day, Toni had got up early and gone out to enjoy the sunshine. She loved the feel of the warm sun on her face and spent all morning outside, watching the world go by, thinking her thoughts. At lunchtime she decided to go and find Matthew at work; she had become a familiar face at the station and could come and go more or less as she pleased. She sat herself down at Matthew’s desk and waited for him to show up. Not long after, he appeared out of one of the back offices and went over to her.

“You’ll have to hang around for a bit, I’ve got a meeting.”

“No problem.”

Matthew went to talk to someone over the other side of the room. Toni started doodling on a piece of paper; she heard a group of voices coming towards her. She heard one voice above the rest which cut into her ears; her heart jumped a beat and her stomach turned. She looked up and found herself looking directly in his eyes— she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, or rather who she was seeing. His eyes pierced hers, cold, cruel eyes, his deep voice rang in her head— the eyes and voice of her father.

“Gillian!” the voice shouted, feigning surprise and pleasure; it was a name she hadn’t heard for four years, a name she had hoped she would never hear again. He ran towards her and picked her up, hugging her. “You say anything and you’ll regret it,” he whispered menacingly in her ear. There was complete silence as everyone watched with interest the scene that was unfolding— except Matthew. He could see the same look in Toni’s eyes as if she had just woken up from one of her nightmares. He went over and forced himself between them.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he demanded.

“I could just as easily say the same to you. I’m her father.”

There was a murmur of voices, Toni wished she could vanish on the spot, Matthew turned to her. “Is it true Toni?”

“Yes,” the words came out in a whisper.

Toni’s father, Richard Fielding, didn’t want a scene, he was now a politician and any scandal could damage his career. He took Toni’s hand and pulled her towards him, bending down to her level, he starting speaking softly to her.

“I can’t believe it’s you. I know we had our differences but you didn’t have to run away, we could’ve worked things out. I searched for you everywhere. Where did you go? I was heart-broken.”

Toni couldn’t help thinking that she had heard it all before from Matthew, although everything he had said was true, her father was acting; he even allowed a tear to fall. It was quite a moving scene to anyone watching; to Toni his words were empty, an act for the benefit of the audience. Matthew wasn’t taken in, he knew Toni better than anyone and he could see she was afraid. It wasn’t a happy father and daughter reunion, but he was the only one who noticed. “Finally I’ll have you at home with me again. Gillian,” her father said softly. He turned to the man next to him. “Call off all my appointments today I have to take my daughter home.”

“You’re not taking her anywhere, she was my responsibility before you took her from me seven years ago.”

Toni’s father recognised Matthew. “If I remember correctly I found my daughter when she was seven years old laying by a railway track in the dark. If you were her guardian you did a poor job, you were always drunk and didn’t look after her properly. If you still believe you’re her legal guardian where are your documents?”

Matthew, of course, had no papers for Toni and remained silent.

“Just as I thought, come on dear, let’s go home.”

He put his arm round her. Toni could feel his fingers digging in her shoulder as a warning; she knew she couldn’t do anything else but go with him.

“She’s not going anywhere until I’ve seen proof that you’re who you say you are,” demanded Matthew.

 Toni’s father saw that he had no choice but to go home and find his daughter’s birth certificate. Matthew doubted whether after all this time he would have it so quickly to hand and he had bought some time, though he had a terrible feeling that history was about to repeat itself.

  Richard Fielding was convinced that his daughter hadn’t said anything and knew she was too afraid of him to start now, so he conceded. Before he left he spoke to her.

“Listen, I have to go and get some papers, you stay with your friend, then I’ll be back and we can go home. I’ve missed you so much.” He kissed her forehead. “I won’t be long.”

  Toni felt her life shatter around her in a million pieces— she hadn’t run far enough or hidden well enough. Matthew looked at her, his worst nightmare seemed just about to come true, to lose her again, to lose her to him a second time around. He took her hand and led her into an office, closing the door.

“Is it true, is he really your father?”

Matthew was hoping for a different answer but it stayed the same.

“Yes.” Toni sat down.

“Then why did you run away, what did he do to you?” She said nothing.

"Toni, listen to me!" If you don’t tell me what he did to you I can’t help you. If he comes back with the proof that he’s your father he’ll take you away from me, don’t you understand? There’s nothing I can do if you don’t tell me what happened. Why are you so afraid of him?” There was desperation in his voice and in his eyes, he couldn’t bear the thought of losing her again. Toni couldn’t say anything, she was afraid of what her father might do, not only to her but also to Matthew; he was capable of anything. She looked at the floor; she had let him down; she wasn’t strong enough. “Toni please!” He was almost begging.

“I’m sorry Matthew,” was all she could say. At this point Matthew snapped, he brought his fist down on the desk so violently that a pot of pens fell onto the floor. Toni jumped.

“My God girl! Why won’t you listen to me? Do you think your mother would’ve wanted you to end up with him? She’ll be turning in her grave; she would’ve wanted us to look after each other. She stood up to him you know, she left him, but she didn’t leave him just so you could go back!!” Matthew was almost screaming the words at her, she had never seen him so angry. The mere mention of her mother in connection with her father made Toni feel guilty and ashamed, but she couldn’t tell the truth; she tried to close her ears and remain unmoved.

  All the shouting brought Simon into the office; he saw that Matthew was losing control, all this wasn’t helping the situation. He tried to calm Matthew down.

“Maybe we should get a lawyer,” he suggested. Matthew gave Toni a look of despair and seemed to resign himself to the fact that she wasn’t going to say anything. They went out of the office and left her alone. Time passed slowly; Toni sat biting her nails until there was nothing left to bite. Eventually Simon came in.

“Your turn for the third degree now is it?” Toni spoke without looking up. He pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, he lifted her head and looked into her eyes.

“I’m not going to ask you anything, I only want to tell you something. Whatever it is you’re afraid of, whatever you don’t want to tell Matthew, can’t be worth losing everything for. If you love your father, if he can give you what Matthew can, that’s fair enough, but if he can’t, think very carefully about what you’re doing and how you’ll feel if your father comes back and takes you away. I’ve seen you and Matt together and together is where you both belong. Remember you have the right to live the life you want to; you have the right to be happy. Never forget it.” She looked away. “Look at me and tell me that your father can give you all that Matthew can.” Toni felt her heart sink down in her stomach, she couldn’t overcome her fear. There was silence. The door opened and in came Matthew.

“He’s come back with the documents, here’s your birth certificate.” He thrust it under her nose and held it there. She noticed his hand was shaking; she saw her name, Gillian Nicola, then she saw her father’s name in the column where she wanted to see written Matthew Oliver. She looked at Matthew and saw sadness in his eyes, she wondered what he could see in hers. She couldn’t find the courage to confront her father; she couldn’t find the courage to tell Matthew the truth. She felt the knot in her stomach getting tighter and tighter, how could this be happening? “Toni, tell me something to use against him. Toni please!” She stood up without looking at him, opened the door and walked out. She knew she was a coward and couldn’t bring herself to look at Matthew, knowing that if she saw once more what was written in his eyes she would cry. Her father was waiting for her, she walked towards him, afraid, as if she were walking towards the Devil himself, back to the hell she had come from. She was back at the beginning; he had done it again, only this time with her full knowledge and complicity. Matthew stood at the door of the office. Richard Fielding walked up to him, wearing an expression of triumph; he took the birth certificate and left with his daughter.

  Matthew sat down at his desk wondering what had just happened.

“She’s gone again Simon and there was nothing I could do. I’ve lost her.”

“Don’t give up, the truth always comes out sooner or later.”

“It’s the later I’m worried about.”

“Maybe all we have to do is make a few enquiries as to who this person really is, dig around in the past a bit.”

“If only it was that simple.”

“She’ll come round in the end.”

“I’m not so sure. You once said I didn’t know Toni, that I didn’t understand her, that was then. Now I know her better than anyone and there’s something under all this, something serious. She’s afraid, do you understand what that means? Toni, the kid that isn’t afraid of anything, of street gangs, street fights, our lot, of giving someone twice her size a good thump, well now that kid is afraid; she’s afraid of him and there’s nothing we can do.” Matthew felt tired and defeated. “I’m going home.”

  Toni sat in the back of the limousine, her father was sitting next to her, holding her hand to keep up appearances, except that he was squeezing it so tightly it hurt. There was only the driver, the only remaining witness; she wished the car ride would go on forever. She was thinking how she should have got on that bus the day after Billy died; she should have run when she had the chance; now it was too late. She had lost everything: her freedom, her friends and the only man she could ever call father.